Going no contact with narcissists is challenging. Narcissists either demand attention or crave validation, depending on their type, and if they lose you, they’ve lost their easiest supply of both. Narcissists invest enormous effort at the start of a relationship to hook you in, and they won’t let you slip away without a fight.
So, if you think you’ve seen every dirty gaslighting trick from your narcissist, prepare to be shocked. Narcissists don’t have boundaries or morals. Nothing is off-limits. And they’ll do anything to maintain their supply. Here are 7 things narcissists do when you go no contact.
7 Things Narcissists Do When You Go No Contact
Narcissists react differently to no contact, depending on their type. Grandiose narcissists are charming, confident and command attention. They react with rage and will push back with aggression. Vulnerable narcissists have low self-esteem and crave validation. They play the victim and prefer subtle manipulations like guilt-tripping.
1. They constantly message you
No contact narcissists carry on as if they’re still in the relationship. It doesn’t matter whether you ended it a month ago or ten years ago; if they want you as a narcissistic supply, they’ll keep messaging you. And they’ll use any reason to stay in touch.
For example; they’ve got mail for you, you’ve left some clothes at their house, they’ve got an important message for you, they want your advice on something, there’s a film on at the cinema they think you’d like. It’s all BS. They’re throwing out bait to see what hooks.
This is a gaslighting tactic, and it’s frustrating and bewildering. They’re behaving as if nothing changed, as if you are still in the relationship. It’s also a constant reminder that they’re still here, which prevents you from moving on.
How to deal with constant messaging
How should you deal with a no contact narcissist that still messages you? Ignore, ignore, ignore. There’s some mail/stuff you left at their house? It doesn’t matter; it’s just stuff. Narcissists need you to boost their ego or self-esteem. It’s never about their feelings for you. Block them and never respond.
2. They ignore boundaries
Narcissists must control their narcissistic supply, and going no contact gives you control. Narcissists don’t care what’s best for you in the relationship; their entire focus is on themselves. Narcissists typically disregard your requests to end contact because your desires are irrelevant to them.
Grandiose and vulnerable narcissists react differently to no contact.
Grandiose narcissists are insistent and push against your wishes with force. They are more likely to walk into your house uninvited or call you multiple times at work. Vulnerable narcissists are passive and play the victim to draw you back to them. They’ll plead some emergency or play on your heartstrings.
Ignoring boundaries is a hoovering tactic, designed to pull you back into the relationship at any cost. And if you resist, these tactics will escalate, and manipulations intensify.
How to deal with ignoring boundaries
Setting firm boundaries with a narcissist prevents you from their manipulation tactics. It stops you from being drawn back into the cycle of abuse, allowing you to heal and move on from this toxic relationship. Say no when they overstep the mark. Become a broken record.
3. They play the victim/or guilt-trip you
This is a favorite tactic from vulnerable narcissists who prefer to use passive ways of manipulating you. By the time you’ve cut ties with a narcissist, they’re often on their own, having destroyed relationships or fallen out with every other person in their life.
Once you’ve gone and they find that they’re alone, they feel wretched, wallowing in self-pity, so they use the victim card to make you feel as miserable as they do.
Narcissists like empathic people. They know you’ll feel obligated to look after them. Vulnerable narcissists play on your compassion and moral integrity, even though they have none. But be careful. Empaths are also attracted to narcissists because they want to help people. So, be aware of your biases and how it influences your choices.
Playing the victim and guilt-tripping are emotional manipulation tactics that exploit your sense of duty. Narcissists use your shared past history to suck you back in. They’ll blame you for their predicament. It’s all your fault they’re in this situation. Of course, it’s not; it’s designed to create guilt and doubt in your mind.
How to deal with playing the victim and guilt-tripping
It’s important to focus on your well-being and not get sucked into the drama and lies of the narcissist. They are pulling at your heartstrings because they want you back in a toxic relationship. Their problems are of their own making and have nothing to do with you. Don’t feel guilty. Ignore them.
4. They give empty promises/or apologies
When a no contact narcissist gets desperate, they’ll promise heaven and earth to get you back. They’ll send heartfelt messages of remorse or declarations of drastic changes. Of course, they’re lying; it’s a ruse so you’ll give them a second chance.
But there’s more to these promises and apologies. Narcissists want to play games with you. They like to win you back, then reject you. If you respond to a promise, they’ll come back with, “You know what, it probably won’t work.” Now you are the rejected party.
How to deal with empty promises and apologies
These promises and apologies are all insincere attempts to beguile you into letting your guard down. Once it is down, the narcissist will pounce, and you’re back into a toxic cycle of abusive behavior. Don’t believe a word they say.
5. They love bomb you
Grandiose narcissists are charming but glib, so you can’t believe their declarations of love and affection, but during no contact narcissists will ramp up their efforts and bombard you with excessive gestures and claims of undying love.
This love bombing might appear genuine, and it can be tempting to hear and experience all this attention. It is, however, a tool to regain contact and ultimately, control.
Love bombing is gaslighting designed to overwhelm the target and stop them from thinking rationally. Narcissists resort to love bombing at the start and end of relationships because it’s so effective. They sweep their target off their feet, giving them no time to process what’s really happening.
How to deal with love bombing
This is an insidious form of gaslighting as it preys on our desire to love and be loved. You must recognize love bombing as a superficial gesture that means nothing to a narcissist.
6. They start smear campaigns against you
Narcissists like to involve other people when you’ve gone no contact. If they can’t access you directly, they’ll do it through a third party. They’ll tell lies about you to gain sympathy. For instance,
‘You are toxic.’ ‘You were abusive.’ ‘They are a saint after everything you put them through.’
Smear campaigns work to isolate you and damage your reputation. They also allow others to get involved in your relationship. And look what’s happened? You’re still talking about your narcissist. They’re still in your life, and if you’re thinking about them, they might have an opening.
How to deal with smear campaigns
If the lies are particularly damaging, address them. However, maintain no contact with your narcissist. Mitigate their lies where you can, but don’t get drawn into a battle of words with your narcissist. This is exactly what they want.
7. They resort to gaslighting
Of all the 7 things narcissists do when you go no contact, gaslighting is the most common. It’s their favorite tool.
Gaslighting involves manipulating reality or a person’s perception to undermine their confidence. It’s a devious form of control because as the target doubts reality, they may become anxious and depressed, question their self-worth and become increasingly dependent on their abuser.
When you go no contact with a narcissist, they might rewrite the past to distort or deny their actions. They’ll lie to create a distorted reality where they are the injured party. They will make you question events or your memory. This is all designed to weaken your resolve.
How to deal with gaslighting
If your no contact narcissist starts gaslighting you, don’t doubt your memory. Rely on friends and family if you need to recall certain events. Stay strong and resist these mental manipulations.
Final thoughts
I said at the start, going no contact with a narcissist is challenging. Most of us feel empathy and compassion toward someone who is struggling. But you should never feel sorry for someone who feels entitled to use toxic behavior in a relationship.
If you’ve gone no contact, it means you’ve realized they are toxic, and you’ve had enough. Remember, they’ve done this to themselves, and while it’s okay to feel compassion from a safe distance, it doesn’t mean you must get involved. You can have compassion for a wounded wild animal, but you shouldn’t get too close; it might bite you.
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so true every word