Ending a relationship with a narcissist feels like a roller-coaster ride. Whether you leave or they discard you, it’s never straightforward. If they’re breaking up with you, they’ll threaten to end the relationship one day and the next they act like the perfect partner as if nothing’s wrong.
If you dare to break up with them and they still want you as their supply, they’ll go to extreme levels to keep you. So, it’s complicated, but it doesn’t have to be. If you’re breaking up with a narcissist, avoid these 9 things.
9 Things You Should Never Do When Breaking Up with a Narcissist
1. Get sucked into their arguments
I’ll warn you, if the narcissist isn’t ready to let you go, they’ve got plenty of tricks designed to keep you. One is creating conflict and arguments. This keeps you embroiled in their drama. For example, they’ll escalate any disagreement into an argument; they’ll project their faults onto you and then accuse you of the things they’re doing.
Narcissists are contradictory, so what’s OK one day they’ll make unacceptable the next. They’ll use the things you’ve told them in confidence against you. Nothing is off-limits.
What to do instead
Maintain your boundaries. Don’t get involved. Recognize the reason for the conflict. They’re the angler and they’re dangling this juicy bait to tempt you into biting. Ignore it and swim away.
2. Blame yourself for getting involved/their behavior
It’s easy to blame yourself for missing the red flags at the beginning, but narcissists are skilled at selecting their partners and then using mind games to mess with them. You’re not weak or a victim. Empathic people, those who are compassionate, easygoing and don’t like conflict, attract narcissists. These are admirable qualities, but the narcissist will use them to manipulate you.
Studies show that narcissists will blame external factors for a relationship breakup and tend to blame their ex partners, rather than hold themselves accountable.
What to do instead
Get to know yourself. What are your values, beliefs, deal breakers? Empathy is good, but don’t neglect yourself. Narcissists avoid people with strong convictions and robust inner beliefs because they can’t control them.
3. Continue to communicate with them
Breaking up with a narcissist can feel like you’re on an endless treadmill. Narcissists like to break up with you repeatedly because it shows their power and control over you. They do it to remain significant in your life. Now you’re having to think and deal with them.
Some dangle the perfect relationship like a carrot on a stick if they think you’re still invested. They might promise to change or start love bombing you over again. Others will threaten self-harm or even suicide.
You must escape this toxic cycle of abuse. Narcissists will do anything to keep you around, especially if they haven’t found your replacement. What you must remember is that they don’t actually care about you. You are merely a toy to them. Like the cat playing with a mouse until it gets bored and kills it.
What to do instead
Narcissists don’t love you; they love what you can give them. It’s futile to communicate with them. All you’re doing is providing opportunities to suck you back into this toxic relationship. Go Gray Rock instead and cut off all contact.
4. Feel guilty for leaving them
If you’re breaking up with a narcissist and they’re not ready to let you go, they’ll use every trick in the book to manipulate you into staying.
Empathic people often gravitate towards narcissists because they believe everyone deserves a chance at improvement. Remember, if the narcissist thinks you’re still useful to them, they’ll fight to keep you as their supply, bringing out the big guns, like guilt-tripping, playing the victim or blaming you for everything that’s wrong in their life.
Don’t fall for it; it’s just another manipulation tactic. The narcissist will never feel guilty for their behavior, so why should you feel pressurized back into an abusive relationship?
What to do instead
Surround yourself with friends and family members who can give you an objective perspective on the situation. Sometimes we are so wrapped up in the personal situation we can’t see the bigger picture.
5. Feel worthless about yourself
Relationships with narcissists follow a simple pattern; they love bomb you during the initial phase; once you’ve fully invested in their false persona, they devalue you to make you feel inadequate, then comes the discard where they cut off the relationship. They’re like a tornado that sweeps into town and leaves everything wrecked when they leave.
What to do instead
Realize that bad things happen to good people. This wasn’t about you and your failings or gullibility to spot a fake manipulator; it’s all about the narcissist. They deliberately target loyal, compassionate and empathic people, and these are all superb qualities to have.
Narcissists are empty shells needing external validation to make them whole. You are not. Surround yourself with people that love you and rebuild your confidence.
6. Try to reason with them
Humans like to make sense of the world. We use logic and reason to navigate our way through life, but you can’t make the narcissist understand the problems in the relationship. It’s nice to have closure and wrap things up neatly; then you can move on. But here’s what you need to know. Narcissists don’t play by the rules.
Their minds are packed with devious plans to manipulate and exploit you. You’ll never understand them or be able to reason with them. Listen, you wouldn’t reason with a cold-blooded reptile, would you?
What to do instead
You can’t reason with a narcissist, but you can try to understand them. Finding closure from a narcissistic relationship is almost impossible, but learning about narcissism can help you come to terms with their behavior.
7. Worry about them
Narcissists play passive mind games such as ghosting or giving you the silent treatment. It’s all to get you dangling on that hook again. They’ll behave erratically, becoming more aggressive towards you, or act more nonchalant. Either way, you’ll notice a tremendous difference in their actions.
If they’re not ready to let you go, they’ll leave your calls on unread to worry you and at the very extreme, some even threaten suicide.
What to do instead
You have spent long enough on this individual, and enough is enough. Waste no more time on them. They’re certainly not thinking about you; only what they can squeeze out from you. Ignore their attempts to trap you.
8. Be tempted to go back to them
When you’re breaking up a narcissist, they’ll say and do whatever it takes to get you back. They’ll tell you they’ve changed, they’ll do better, that it was all their fault and beg you to forgive them. This is hoovering, and you might be tempted.
After all, when you first met them, they were everything you dreamed of. They made you feel special; like a soulmate. But this was all a disguise to entrap you so they could bask in your attention and affection.
What to do instead
Narcissists are incapable of change, so ignore whatever they tell you. Minimize contact and establish firm boundaries. Be advised that if the narcissist sees you pulling away from them, they might increase their manipulations.
9. Get jealous about their new partner
Even when the relationship is over, the narcissist may still flaunt their new supply in front of you. They’ll post cute couples pictures on social media, tell all your friends how wonderful this new partner is and how they’re able to change and grow with them. It’s all BS.
What to do instead
Ignore it. Even with therapy, narcissists have deep-rooted psychological issues that are substantial and are difficult to work through. Their latest squeeze is hardly qualified to cause such dramatic changes. Don’t feel jealous, feel sorry for their latest victim.
Final Thoughts
If a healthy individual isn’t happy in their relationship, they break up and move on. They don’t keep breaking up; they don’t bombard their ex-partner with declarations of love or threats and they certainly don’t insist the other person fix everything.
If you’re trapped in a cycle of breaking up with a narcissist and getting back together, try the suggestions above and, hopefully, they’ll get bored and move on.
References:
- psychologytoday.com
- researchgate.net
- Featured image by freepik
Thank you for the words for deeper thought & understanding. I personally appreciate the intellect & getting outside looking in, idealogy. Any advice for a delicate situation where the narcissist is the mother of our 2 young daughters. This woman & the man she cheated on me with, altered my mailing address & filed a fabricated document into the family court clerks office. A clear cut case of defamation.
Our girls & I have been kept apart for over 4 years. Mental abuse is obvious as memories have DRASTICALLY been altered. Two extremely corrupt court officials flipped the tables on me & claimed I abandoned them. The Commissioner herself & her bailiff tag teamed me! No recordings are happening in Commissioner hearings.