Can a narcissist love? My immediate answer would be yes, of course; they love themselves. But are they capable of loving you?
Narcissists exist on a spectrum, so does their ability to love also exist on a spectrum? Narcissists would claim they can fall in love if their needs are met, but relationships need compromise, with an equal amount of give and take, and narcissists are takers, not givers. Their version of love is obsessive, one-sided, and transactional.
So, what is love for a narcissist, and what do they really mean when they say, “I love you”?
Can a narcissist love you? They would say they can, but their definition of love is different from yours. Narcissists love people much like you love your new flat-screen TV or your car. They love it for what it can do for them or for how it makes them feel.
Narcissists don’t have the emotional development or empathy to form long-lasting, deep connections. To them, you are an object, and your ‘job’ is to cater to their needs. This represents love for a narcissist.
Narcissists don’t reach the stage where objects become people worthy of love. So, when they say, “I love you,”, what they are really saying is: you validate me, you pay me attention, you boost my ego, you make me your priority, I feel special when I’m with you, so I must own you because I feel and look better with you around.
Narcissists may have inflated egos and an elevated sense of self-importance, but a narcissist’s self-esteem depends on the opinions of others. Narcissists rely on external factors to boost their self-worth.
Healthy self-esteem doesn’t depend on external factors. It is internal. It’s based on how we perceive ourselves and our capabilities. It accepts our strengths and flaws and does not rely on constant validation or admiration from others. So, can a narcissist be in love if they don’t love themselves?
When a narcissist says, “I love you,” they believe they can fall in love, but it’s not a deep connection where both partners are equal. Narcissistic love requires total attention to their needs. Their version of love has stages, and it starts with obsession and love bombing.
A narcissist falls in love quickly. Love for them means they cannot stop thinking about you. They daydream about life with you. They have become infatuated with you. But not because of your striking looks or captivating personality; it’s for what you can do for them.
“To a narcissist, love is an external source of validation used to boost their self-esteem. They do not understand that real love involves reciprocity. Instead, they believe that love is something they can obtain from a person or object and use to feel better about themselves.”
Dr. Ketan Parmar, relationship expert
You provide the adoration, appreciation, validation, admiration, and attention they need to feel special, and they think this is love. You fulfill their need for external validation. Narcissists will mirror your behavior to form a connection, albeit a shallow one. Narcissists know this connection is superficial, so they love bomb you to hook you in.
They will sweep you up into a passionate, whirlwind romance. They’ll be kind and thoughtful and talk quickly about long-term plans like marriage. Narcissists see you as the perfect partner, all because you are maintaining their sense of self-worth through your reactions to their behavior.
Once a narcissist has hooked you into a relationship, it soon becomes apparent that your world revolves around their needs. Your entire focus is on them. You’re constantly monitoring their moods and reactions. You boost and flatter their ego, putting them on a pedestal, all the while neglecting your needs in the relationship. Because of this, you lose your autonomy.
Soon, the boundary between you and the narcissist will blur, and as they ignore your feelings, you become a mere extension of the narcissist, absorbing their emotions as if they were your own. This is an enmeshment.
You’re the one working to hold the relationship together. As your identity becomes more enmeshed with the narcissist, your worth is determined by how you make the narcissist feel. So, if you want to know whether a narcissist loves you when they say, “I love you,” the answer is yes if you do a fantastic job to make them feel validated.
Because a narcissist cannot feel good about themselves without input from others, they need this validation from a constant source or supply. So, if you wonder whether a narcissist can love you, depends on the quality of this narcissistic supply; that’s you. They will keep you around as long as you make them feel good about themselves.
Feeling good can mean different things to a narcissist; for example, putting up with their toxic behavior or tantrums so they feel superior, looking after them financially to allow them to live a parasite lifestyle.
Whatever it is, the relationship must provide them with something; otherwise, they’ll leave. Narcissists are takers, not givers. They use tactics like gaslighting, extortion, or sabotage to extract the maximum reward.
So, can a narcissist love? The answer is no. Narcissists use people like normal people use objects or tools. When an object stops working, we discard it. And narcissists discard people like objects. Sure, they may have ‘loved’ how the object made them feel, but they won’t look back and say they were in love with it.
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