People use condescending phrases that may seem kind at first. Whether unintentional or deliberate, these words cause harm.
Have you ever spoken with someone who uses condescending phrases in their daily communication? I’ve experienced this, and I’ve also used condescending language myself. The truth is, that people can intentionally use cruel language or do so accidentally. However, the effect is often the same.
What are condescending phrases?
Condescending phrases are words or statements that initially seem polite. But upon closer examination, you’ll realize that the false kindness conceals underlying resentment.
Some people unintentionally say hurtful things, while others skillfully construct sentences that sting, disguising them as caring words or backhanded compliments. This behavior reflects a more insidious level of manipulation. Would you like a few examples? Let’s examine some of these phrases.
1. “How cute.”
This phrase consists of only two words, yet most people can sense the animosity in it. Saying “How cute” when someone achieves something downplays their success and makes it seem like a trivial task completed by a child.
This phrase seems much more appropriate when directed at a small child rather than an adult who has genuinely put effort into a project or job. It’s one of the simplest, yet most venomous, condescending phrases of all.
2. “Bless your heart.”
If I had to choose a favorite condescending phrase, it would be this one. I am from the southern United States, where we often say this. I try to avoid it because I understand its implications. Our use of this phrase is condescending. When we say this, we’re expressing,
“You just cannot do things right, but I’ll say something nice because you’re pathetic.”
Do you see how that phrase works? It’s mean, isn’t it?
3. “You look good for your age.”
This is not a compliment. Please don’t think that when someone says this to you, they admire you and consider you beautiful. If you look good, your age shouldn’t matter. When someone uses this condescending phrase, they aren’t truly appreciating your beauty. They are fabricating a fake compliment to appear genuine. They are not.
4. “I’m just joking.”
I dislike this phrase intensely, and there’s a reason for that. A family member used to insult me, and when she noticed it upset me, she’d say, “I’m just joking.” This was a way to cover for herself. Not only is this phrase toxic, but it also belittles the feelings of others. It deflects responsibility and makes the target feel guilty for getting upset.
Most of the time, people are genuinely joking, but then there’s that one person who uses this phrase as a shield to say anything they want without repercussions. That goes too far. It is one of the most hurtful, condescending phrases.
5. “You’re trying your best.”
While this may sound genuinely nice, consider this: Would you want someone to say this to you while you’re struggling to find a job? Upon reconsidering this condescending phrase, you may realize it sounds patronizing and suggests they have little faith in your potential for success.
If you’re using this phrase to show genuine concern, you might want to choose your words more carefully. It doesn’t come across as a truly caring statement.
6. “It’s not a big deal.”
When someone is feeling emotional or upset, the first thing they need is validation. However, if you say “It’s not a big deal,” then you fail to make them feel seen at all.
You’re simply pulling one of the many condescending phrases out of the air and throwing it at them. You’re causing so much more damage than you realize. When you say this, you imply that they are overreacting to a situation. You also suggest that you never react this way yourself. It’s simply unkind and shows a lack of care.
7. “You wouldn’t understand.”
How presumptuous to assume that another person wouldn’t understand what you’re thinking. Yet, this is how some people think. They believe that saying something flippant like “You wouldn’t understand” masks how they feel.
If you find yourself saying this, just stop. Stop assuming others lack your elevated intelligence. Honestly, this reflects what you’re thinking. I know; I used to say this too.
8. “It’s just common sense.”
Of all the condescending phrases, this one ranks among the worst. When you say this, you imply that others should know what you know. But how absurd is that? We are all individuals with distinct knowledge. No one knows everything. This statement can make people feel belittled and embarrassed. Just don’t say this to anyone.
How to stop using condescending phrases
I’ve discovered that the best way to stop saying these things is to consider how they would feel if directed at you. Would you appreciate being told that what someone knows should be common knowledge? Would you want someone to downplay your emotional turmoil? Would you enjoy being patronized, insulted, or invalidated? I didn’t think so.
Put yourself in someone else’s shoes, and never say things to others that would hurt you. It’s that simple. And yes, this change will take effort, as we sometimes say these things unintentionally. There’s no judgment here.
So, let’s start today. Let’s gradually shift our mindset to be kinder, so we can change the world one step at a time. Let’s strive to be better and to do better.
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