Many of us experience occasional doubts and fears about our partners and the relationships we’re building. This is natural and nothing to worry about.
Some people, however, suffer with much stronger fears about their relationship, and as a result, regularly seek reassurance that their partner is happy and still wants to be with them.
This constant need for reassurance in a relationship can, unfortunately, have a detrimental effect for some, leading to the one thing you had feared all along – the end of your relationship.
In order to prevent the need for reassurance from harming your relationship, you first need to identify what is causing this need. When the root cause is clear, the solution should be too.
Reasons You Need Constant Reassurance in A Relationship
1. Personal Past Relationship Trauma
Perhaps the most common reason for needing reassurance in a relationship is that you’ve been deeply scarred by trouble and trauma in a past relationship. Often, if you have been betrayed or let down by an ex-partner before, you’ll find it harder to trust in any future relationships.
If an ex-partner cheated on you, you might need constant reassurance that your new partner only has eyes for you. If your ex-partner simply fell out of love with you, you probably need reassurance over and over that your new partner still loves and cares for you.
It is understandable that, if you’ve been hurt so deeply in the past, you would be afraid of history repeating itself or being caught off guard again. In order to calm these fears, we seek constant reassurance in our relationships to create a sense of control. If you’re always up to date on what your partner is thinking, you can’t be taken by surprise.
2. Low Self-Confidence
Anyone who struggles with their self-confidence will know that it can be difficult not to put those feelings on other people. In particular, it can be hard not to assume that your partner sees you the same way you do.
Whether you see yourself as unattractive, unworthy, annoying, or boring, you’re likely to assume your partner feels the same. This can lead to seeking reassurance in a relationship. You’re constantly worried that they aren’t interested in you anymore or you aren’t attracted to you as much as they are to other people.
3. Relationship Troubles
Oftentimes, the need for reassurance in a relationship comes from broken trust. If you’ve experienced a betrayal, especially an affair, it’s understandable that you would feel very insecure in that relationship in the future.
You would probably feel constantly on edge, worrying that your partner has eyes for someone else again. In order to combat this, you might seek reassurance that they haven’t found someone else and that they are attracted only to you.
If your relationship is turbulent, often leading to fights or hurtful comments, you might need reassurance that your partner does love you. These fights can lead you to fear that your partner no longer wants to be in a relationship with you.
To overcome this anxiety, you probably need reassurance that despite your troubles, your partner still cares for you and wants to continue your relationship.
4. Your Partner’s Past
Despite knowing we shouldn’t judge a person by their past, it can be hard not to. Your partner’s past often feels like a clear representation of their character, and while we know that to not always be the case, it can be hard to shift the feeling.
If in past relationships your partner has cheated or betrayed their exes in some way, you might naturally be afraid that they could do it to you too. This will often result in needing reassurance in a relationship.
You might be hyperaware of their interactions with other people and frequently need to be reassured that they know they made mistakes in the past but wouldn’t do it again. You also might need to hear that they love you or are more attracted to you than their past partners, meaning they would never do to you what they did to them.
5. Childhood Relationships
Unfortunately, not all of us had loving, healthy childhoods. It’s not uncommon for children to feel a lack of support or love from their parents. This can lead to them becoming adults who seek out love with more desperation than others.
The craving for proper love, care, and affection can present itself in the form of needing reassurance in a relationship. If your family didn’t show you much love and care, you might be more determined to have your partner show it so you can feel reassured that it is there.
Suffering a loss at a young age can lead to seeking reassurance in relationships too. Whether it is through the death of a parent, a nasty divorce, or an absentee parent, you might have abandonment issues. The painful fear that your partner might leave too, in some way or another, leads to seeking reassurance that they aren’t going anywhere.
6. Difference in Communication Needs
Do you know your love language? In recent years, we’ve become more aware of how love languages dictate how we like to give and receive love. We often struggle to register love if it’s given in a way we don’t understand personally.
For example, if you feel loved when you’re being physically held or touched, you might not feel loved by someone who shows love by showering you with gifts.
Sometimes, our partner’s love language differs so much from our own that we don’t always see it when they’re showing us love. This can lead to needing reassurance in a relationship because you don’t see or feel their love the way they want you to.
How to Stop Needing Reassurance in a Relationship
1. Practice Self-Love
It is almost self-explanatory. If you love yourself deeply, then you won’t need to keep seeking reassurance in a relationship.
Building your self-confidence and self-belief will have you knowing and believing in your worth, and therefore not seeking external confirmation. If you love yourself, you will feel more secure and genuinely believe that your partner loves you.
By practising self-love, you won’t need to rely on declarations from your partner. Your confidence and security will come from within.
2. Open Communication
Sometimes, all it takes to get reassurance in a relationship is better communication. There is no need for your difference in love language to cause strain. As long as you keep your lines of communication open and tell your partner clearly when you’re feeling insecure, you could have a long and happy relationship.
Express to your partner what you need in order to feel loved and they can do the same for you, between you, you’ll never have to worry about each other’s feelings again.
3. Seek Help
In some cases, the need for reassurance in a relationship comes from a place of trauma, perhaps in your childhood or past relationships.
If you’re finding it hard to feel secure with your partner, regularly seeking reassurance that they love you or are still attracted to you, you might benefit from professional help. A professional counsellor or therapist can help you to unwind the damage done in your past, so you are open and ready to receive love.
There is nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to needing reassurance in a relationship. Many of us experience these same fears. That said, you don’t have to continue to live this way.
To avoid putting strain on your relationship, you can try opening up your communication and expressing your concerns to your partner. When the love is real, there is nothing that opening up can’t fix.
Copyright © 2012-2023 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.