How can you tell if you’re experiencing covert manipulation? Well, this type of abuse is not as easily detectable at first. It takes careful observation to see the signs.
Are you a target of covert manipulation? If you are and you know about it, then it must have been going on for quite some time.
You see, covert manipulation is rather difficult to spot. This is because it’s done in a calculating manner. And that means that it can go on for years without detection by an intimate partner. And the manipulator easily fools friends and family as well.
Signs you’re experiencing covert manipulation
Unlike physical and verbal abuse, you cannot always see or hear covert abuse. Manipulation, being emotional and mental abuse, is hard to detect at times on its own. However, when covert tactics are employed during manipulation, the effects can be devastating.
Here are a few signs that you may be experiencing covert manipulation.
1. Passive aggression
There are a couple of characteristics of passive aggression. Instead of being outright angry about something, the covert abuser will hint at their discontent. They will pout and sulk, usually saying things like,
“Never mind, it’s not important” or “Forget it”.
Instead of voicing their complaints, they deny being angry, while having an attitude. If you notice this, it could be covert manipulation at work.
2. Gaslighting
Covert manipulators pride themselves on making you look “crazy”. And what I mean by crazy is they mess with your head so much that you believe whatever outlandish thing they’re saying. And the logical things that you know to be true are lies to them.
For example, the manipulator will convince you that you didn’t go to a party. But you remember going, even down to what you wore and who was there. Gaslighting is a powerful tool used to divert your logical reasoning.
3. Compliments/insults
I put those two words together because they describe what I’m trying to convey perfectly. You may be experiencing covert manipulation if you receive a compliment that feels more like an insult. Let’s look at an example to understand:
“Your dress is so pretty considering you bought it at the thrift store”.
The reason that statement is a compliment/insult is because the giver of the compliment made sure to mention that the dress was used. This covert manipulator wanted to say something mean but preferred to veil the insult.
4. No responsibility
The covert manipulator never wants to take responsibility for any possible negative thing. They’re perfectly alright with taking responsibility for good things. You see, shirking responsibility in the mind of this toxic person makes them look like they do no wrong.
The covert manipulator wants to be in the spotlight as a good person. They carefully choose their responsibilities, controlling how you see them.
5. Withholding affection
One of the most common covert manipulation tactics is withholding affection. When a narcissist, for instance, gets angry, s/he may withhold affection from their partner. In their mind, their partner deserves punishment for the anger s/he feels. Maybe they had an argument that didn’t end in the narcissist’s favor.
Either way, the narcissist will probably withhold affection until they receive an apology.
6. Constant criticism
Another sign that you may be experiencing covert manipulation is if you’re being harshly criticized. How is this covert, you might ask? Well, the manipulator may tell you that their criticisms are true and that you need to work on being a better person.
The truth may be that you are basically a good person with issues like everybody else. But the manipulator would have you believe you’re much worse than everyone else. So, when being criticized, do a bit of introspection to see if any of the accusations are even true.
7. Isolation
When a covert manipulator wants to take control quickly, they will isolate you from friends and family. Take notice of how often your partner pulls you away from family.
Do they complain when you spend time with your mother? Do they make excuses for why you shouldn’t see your siblings? If this sounds familiar, you could be experiencing covert manipulation. While it’s good to have time with your partner alone, it is never okay to be isolated from your family by someone else.
8. Silent treatment
Although this is similar to and can be a form of passive aggression, it’s worse. The silent treatment can be brutal and last from a few hours to a few weeks. It disrupts life in general, so learning how to navigate it is essential to gaining back control.
Covert manipulators use the silent treatment to gain complete authority over your life. If you give in and beg them to talk to you, they will use this tactic even more.
Many of us are experiencing covert manipulation
You are never alone when dealing with covert manipulation. So many people struggle to figure out what’s happening in their lives just to discover they’re living with a highly toxic person. I’ve been through this twice as if I didn’t learn the first time. But, as I’ve come away from these situations, I’ve learned plenty about my mental health, and I’ve improved it.
I’ve learned that the silent treatment doesn’t have to stop me from doing the important things in my life, as long as I have a good support system. So, I guess that would be the first thing you’d need to do.
Gather trustworthy friends and family to back you up. Try to find ways of exposing the covert manipulator so your support system is completely aware of the truth. And yes, this can be very tricky. And most important of all, understand that you are a worthy and beautiful person, no matter what this toxic person says about you. And don’t forget to set and secure those healthy boundaries.
I hope this helped someone and provided a moment of peace and hope.
~Be blessed~
I find myself being despondent when I know that the only other action would be escalation and silence is often referred to as the silent treatment or being distant, but it’s the only way I can keep from having my truth denied over and over again. Time and time again there’s accusations put in many different forms of manipulative ways like questioning that only allows for the other’s narrative or possibly their perception to be reality and accusations in tones that are passive aggressive in nature, but with the same intent. And I have tried to respond with kindness, curiosity, anger, reason and silence. For the most part, I’m not finishing my sentence before they’re stepping on my truth with rebuttal and noticeably not listening to listen. It’s been going on so long that I didn’t even recognize how much disrespect was taking place, until they decided to record the beginning of a formal conversation about boundaries and how to treat one another. It turned out to be an eye opening experience for me as to how much interruption was taking place against me and then being twisted into a fiasco where asking for my chance to address their 30 minute filibuster was made out to be the most disrespectful and rude thing ever done despite walking on eggshells to ask for equality in the conversation. I have no interest in being a victim nor do I have any interest in being verbally abusive whether it’s well within the guidelines of reactive abuse. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to get my self esteem back enough to exit this toxicity with my accountability and self respect in tact. It’s far more complicated than the issues I’ve stated above and it’s pretty simple at the same time. If only the unknown were as appealing as it actually is. In comparison, it can’t be more degrading.