Have you ever been asked an awkward personal question and wished you’d had a choice of funny comebacks ready to use? Then let me help you!
We get asked personal stuff all the time. It’s when it makes us feel uncomfortable and on the spot that it would be really nice to have a witty response in our back pocket. Having a couple of readymade funny comebacks to bat across the net eases the discomfort.
It puts the ball firmly in the other person’s court. By using a clever response we are alleviating tension and focusing attention away from ourselves. Not to mention that we come out of the situation looking pretty witty. All of a sudden, the tables have turned.
So, what kinds of situations are we talking about? There are universal topics that we all find awkward:
Awkard topics we don’t like talking about:
- Money
- Family
- Sexual orientation
- Weight
- Having children
- Getting married
Now let’s get to it. First up, what sort of awkward personal questions are we talking about? Secondly, what can we say that’s not too rude but will get our point across? The point being of course that whatever they have asked is none of their business.
Funny Comebacks When Asked about Money
Some cultures talk about money and how much they earn as a matter of national pride. Others most certainly do not. For example, British people find it hugely distasteful to disclose or even ask a person about their salary. So if you are asked:
“How much money do you make?”
You can reply in any of the following ways:
- “It depends, are you talking about my drug trafficking ring or the gambling? Oh hang on, did you mean my day job?”
- “Oh I don’t work, I live off my trust fund/won the lottery, why, do you need to borrow some money?”
Funny Comebacks When Asked about Family
Families, we don’t choose them, we can’t live without them. However, there are certain times during the year when we have to spend time with them. Christmas, Easter, religious festivals, we can’t get away from them.
As with all social gatherings, you get friction. Obviously, each family has its own dynamic and a particular set of problems, but here are a few common scenarios:
“Family is important, why don’t you come home more often?”
- “Is it? Is that why you decided to have two different ones?”
- “You do know MacDonald’s/Burger King opens on Christmas Day now?”
There’s also the question of children and siblings in the family.
“Can you babysit your sister’s/brother’s children?”
- “Sure, if you’re okay with them learning about satanic rituals?”
“Your brother graduated from Harvard last month, what are you doing with your life?”
- “You mean my degree in fine arts? I’m working in edible paints. When you’ve painted the picture you can eat it afterwards. Banksy is really interested.”
Funny Comebacks When Asked about Sexual Orientation
Why is a person’s sexual orientation anyone’s business but their own? But certain people; for example, relatives, school friends, work colleagues, seem to think they have a right to know. Well, if this is what they ask, here are some examples of witty comebacks you can use:
“You’ve got very short hair, are you a lesbian?”
- “No, I’m not, but don’t take my word for it, ask your dad.”
- “Busted, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to buy a pair of nice-looking men’s overalls and Dr. Martens.”
“Are you gay?”
- “Sorry, I can’t give you a straight answer to that question.”
- “I am, do you want to join?”
- “Why, are you worried about that shirt?”
Funny Comebacks When Asked about Weight
I remember going to get some headache tablets from my local chemists and the pharmacist warned me not to buy certain ones as I was pregnant. I wasn’t. Moreover, I told her. You should have seen her face. She looked so guilty.
It was an honest mistake, but I went home and started yoga. Questions about weight can be devastating. Here’s what to say:
“Are you pregnant?”
- “I’m not, but thanks for assuming someone would have sex with me.”
- “No, but I am eating for two; me and my inner bitch.”
“You’re too thin for me.”
- “That’s fine, you’re too thick for me.”
“Are you worried about all your weight gain?”
- “No, I ate the last person that said a comment like that.”
- “Okay, my thighs will slow clap you as I walk away.”
Funny Comebacks about Having Children
Bless those elderly relatives who think it is their business to interrogate their sons or daughters about having kids. If you dread visiting your in-laws because of the incessant questioning about when you are going to start having children, read on:
“When are you going to start a family?”
- “Probably nine months after we’ve conceived them.”
- “Why, are you offering to pay for them?”
- “We’re not, we don’t want them to turn out like you.”
Funny Comebacks about When You Are Going to Get Married
This is another situation that people like to stick their noses in and rummage around for answers. A couple that is living together for a long period of time and has not yet proposed? What’s going on? We need answers!! Here is what you can say:
“When are you guys getting married?”
- “Actually next week. Didn’t you get the invitation?”
- “The same time as my partner.”
Remember That You Are Not Obliged to Answer Awkward Personal Questions
I hope I’ve given you some funny comebacks to use when people are asking you rude and embarrassing questions. But the main thing to remember if it all gets a little too personal, there’s no law that says you have to answer at all.
You can always say the following:
- “I’d rather not say.”
- “I prefer not to say.”
- “Actually, that’s really none of your business.”
- “I’m afraid that’s private.”
- “That’s a personal question.”
- “In this country, we don’t ask questions about sex/money/salary/etc.”
- “I don’t feel this is the time or the place for that sort of question.”
However, I have to say, it is really satisifying to deliver a killer punch comeback when someone is deliberately trying to make you feel uncomfortable or nervous.
On that note, why not let us know if you have any funny comebacks you’d like to share!
References:
How about: “I know I’ve gained weight but I was too polite to mention it.”
“Where do you come from?”
“From my mother.”
Often, I ask them to be more specific: “You mean the country?”
Some get the game, some are horribly offended.
This is one of the first questions folks ask (a friend of mine, who happens to be German, admits she has never been asked that… ?!), and it is irritating.
What about a comeback to people asking if you’re a virgin? (male)
1) No, I never lived in Virginia.
2) (if it’s a girl you could get into) That depends on who’s asking….I have to determine if I saying yes can get me some sympathy or points…. (If it’s a girl you don’t get into) Smile and say you’re really flattered that she’s interested, but you aren’t looking for a girlfriend right now. (if it’s a dude) Hey bud, it’s your own business if you’re that way, but you’re looking in the wrong place. I don’t get into that kind of stuff.
3) Are you from the child support lawyer? It’s not mine, I swear. I don’t plan on any kids until I’m older.
This 21 funny comebacks are really awkward personal questions.