Do you know how to deal with toxic family members? Is there someone in your family that makes your life miserable?
Regular readers of my articles on Learning Mind may know I grew up in a toxic family environment. My mother was cold and abusive, scapegoating my sisters, ignoring me, and playing favorites with my younger brother. She’s dead now, so I can’t do anything about it (apart from whining about her on here), but I wonder how I’d deal with her if she was still alive.
Growing up, she was a scary person, but I’m older now. Perhaps I could have changed her toxic behavior or at least disarmed her. Don’t worry, this article isn’t all about my mother. It’s a broader look at how to deal with toxic family members.
How to Deal with Toxic Family Members
Before you can deal with toxic family members, you must recognize the type of toxic behavior. Then you deal with it using the following suggestions.
1. Toxic family members who play favorites
My mother idolized my brother. This idolization resulted in him having no chores, no responsibilities, being ushered into university, and mollycoddled all his life. He only left home when my dad died. Having parents who favor one child over another creates all kinds of problems growing up. Unfortunately, you can’t change how they think.
Dealing with them:
My advice? Accept it, move on, be independent and seek validation elsewhere. Surround yourself with people who love, support, and value you.
2. Toxic family members who are nasty to you
I read an article where a daughter talked about her abusive father, who had a habit of ‘emotionally vomiting’ on his family members. He had been a high-ranking executive who took his frustrations and anger out on his family when he got home. He would belittle them, calling them dimwits, sensitive or chubby.
She realized he was only abusive in private; in public, he was a different man.
Dealing with them:
Instead of completely cutting off contact, she chose to only be seen with him in public. She’d ask him out for a meal or to the cinema, knowing he’d behave.
Figure out when this person is nasty to you. If it’s in front of strangers, only agree to meet with people you know. If it’s with your parents, arrange to meet without them.
3. Toxic family members who gossip behind your back
Gossiping is an insidious way of changing people’s perceptions or alliances. You rarely realize it’s happening until someone lets you in on the secret.
Dealing with them:
There are several ways of dealing with a toxic family member who gossips, but the main one is don’t tell them anything. Be polite, engage in small talk, but leave the deep and meaningful conversations to those you trust.
Those with a stronger disposition can ignore it, like water off a duck’s back, or you can become estranged, letting the person know why you can’t be around them anymore.
4. Toxic family members who are abusive
Whether it’s physical, emotional, or psychological, abuse is unacceptable. Victims of abuse often have low self-esteem, have depression, are angry, frightened or confused. Setting boundaries with abusive family members can be difficult. Perhaps this person is always around and attends family events?
Dealing with them:
If you’re not able to confront them or if doing so would fracture the family, I suggest attending only major family get-togethers such as weddings, but opting out of smaller, more intimate events. If the abuse is severe, you may be better off cutting all ties. In all cases, I would recommend therapy.
5. Toxic family members who are neglectful
When we talk about family neglect, we think of going without food or wearing hand-me-downs, but emotional neglect is a genuine concern. Some people describe growing up in a ‘nothing’ family or living in a landlord and tenant situation rather than a family dynamic.
There’s no actual conflict, but there’s no love and support either.
Dealing with them:
This advice about dealing with toxic family members focuses on you, and not them. Your parents are unlikely to discuss your childhood, so you must heal yourself.
Writing in a journal or speaking to a therapist can help identify emotional abuse. Getting a pet might sound a little weird, but it teaches parenting skills you lacked growing up.
6. Toxic family members who only love conditionally
We expect unconditional love from our parents. It’s an essential cornerstone of a healthy childhood. We know that no matter what we do, who we are, or where we end up, our parents will love and accept us.
Conditional love tells us we only deserve love when we fulfill certain criteria. I think this leads to a split personality. There’s the false self that tries to live up to their parents’ ideals, and our true self. The false self grows when we prioritize someone else’s well-being.
Dealing with them:
It’s time to ditch the false self. Separate your sense of self from another person’s happiness. Some describe this as a rebirth of your authentic self. Practice self-care, discover your passions and return to your true self.
7. Toxic family members who disrespect your boundaries
Boundaries are not just physical, they can be financial, emotional, or psychological. Examples include repeatedly asking for money and never paying it back; always assuming you’ll host Thanksgiving; calling you when they know you’re working.
Dealing with them:
Use the following steps if you want to know how to deal with toxic family members who disrespect your boundaries. The first step is to be clear about your boundaries and not assume they already know. The second is to be consistent and repeat this boundary. If they still disrespect you, it’s time to act.
For example, you can tell the persistent caller who wants to chat while you’re working you won’t take calls during the day and will only answer after 6pm. Tell your Thanksgiving guests it’s someone else’s turn to host and let the person asking for money know you can’t lend them anymore.
Final Thoughts
No family is perfect, but if a family member makes you feel worse when you see them and none of the above has worked, it might be time to distance yourself. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean you must put up with toxic behavior.
People still consider “family—shared DNA” as special. They are humans. Yes, perhaps with shared memories or past connections they “should” treat you decently. I realized that they are people with problems, like everyone else. They only talked to me when I was sending money. I quit that with a solid “NO” haven’t spoken to them in over 15 years. I am happier. I created my own “family” of trusted friends. No more disappointments at Holidays——no expectations. If you have toxic people in your circle, time to let them go/no longer allow them in your life. Loved my Mother……she died too young.
Thank you Janey! I do not think you are “whining about her here at all.” I get it!