Have you ever been told you’re too sensitive, you’re crazy, or you’re imagining things? Does it make you doubt yourself? We all experience misunderstandings from time to time, but if this becomes a pattern of behavior it’s likely someone is gaslighting you.
Gaslighters want you to respond in one of two ways; back down or lose your cool. Either way, they’re in control, but the key to regaining that control is knowing exactly how to respond to gaslighting. Here are my tips.
Remember, gaslighting is someone’s denial of reality that you yourself have observed. Reality is not subjective. It is the facts of what happened and not subject to interpretation. We may react and have opinions, but facts remain unchanged. Therefore, you do yourself no favors by saying things like:
“That’s not my experience.” or “I don’t remember it that way.”
You’re playing into their narrative. It helps to think of the gaslighter as a child. It makes them much easier to deal with. You wouldn’t indulge a child that was lying or manipulating you. The facts are your weapons. The truth is there. If they want to BS you, call them out directly.
When I deal with gaslighters, I imagine I am a wall. Walls don’t give way and they don’t react. I stick to the facts and don’t get emotional. Gaslighters want to frustrate you. Their plan is to wrong-foot you, because keeping you off-balance causes you to second-guess yourself, which ultimately gives them more control over you.
Here’s how to respond to gaslighting when they use the following manipulating gaslighting phrases.
Aren’t you fortunate that this person tolerates you? I used to get this crap all the time from my ex-partner. It’s designed to erode your self-esteem until you believe you’re worthless. Once you hit this rock bottom, they can treat you any way they like.
Your response:
Twisting reality helps gaslighters avoid responsibility for their actions. It’s also a way of making you question events.
Your response:
Gaslighters commonly employ this tactic to say something awful and evade consequences. Call them out. If this is an intimate partner, remember, they’re supposed to love you and support you, not ridicule or say nasty things to you. What’s their problem?
Your response:
Gaslighters hide thinly veiled criticisms or disparaging remarks under the guise of ‘jokes’, then accuse you of having no sense of humor.
Your response:
This tactic is used to make you question your sanity. Are you remembering things the way they happened or are you forgetting important details? Of course you’re not.
Your response:
As with mean jokes, gaslighters will use harsh criticism to chip away at your confidence, then justify it saying it’s for your own good.
Your response:
Shifting blame and avoiding responsibility is common among gaslighters. For example, they’ll blame you for their infidelity, claiming if you were more attentive, they wouldn’t have cheated.
Your response:
Manipulators will try any trick in the book to undermine you, and getting under your skin will only encourage them. Whilst the above things will shut down or at least deescalate a gaslighter, they’re not infallible.
If none of the above suggestions work my only advice is to use the Gray Rock method. This is the most effective way if you want to know how to respond to gaslighting. Don’t respond to their mind games, don’t react, don’t engage, just ignore or block them.
The problem with manipulators is once you’re aware of being manipulated, the damage to your confidence and self-esteem is already done, potentially leaving you unable to retaliate. Hopefully, the above things to say can help you stand up for yourself against the tirade of lies and putdowns.
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Hey Janey. Thank you for this information. I am at the point where I can take it and can actually return the attack with a sympathetic POV. Without dropping the mic/the God perspective, I heavily lean, now, on a Christian faith to get me through. I just wish like rainbows and bunnies, that the attacks-although sugar coated-would stop. That is why I do actually pray daily. Thank you again, your help is phenomenal.