Sometimes a joke is just a joke, but often bullies will add, “I was just joking”. It’s quite an effective get-out clause. It implies you’re too sensitive and invalidates the hurt behind the message.
If you know someone who repeatedly uses this phrase and you’re wondering if you can’t take a joke, check out the following 13 meanings behind this phrase.
13 Things That Hide Behind “I’m Just Joking”
“If they were the jokes, I was the punch line.”
Kimberly Novosel, author
1. It’s a malicious putdown
So, when is a joke not a joke? Noël Carroll writes for the New Statesman and suggests it’s the context in which we tell jokes that matters. What are the intentions of the joke teller? For example, sexist, racist or homophobic jokes can be funny if told without malicious intent.
“Does someone telling an Irish drinking joke intend it as a malicious put-down, or is it offered in a celebratory spirit as one Irish person to another? Is the attempt to harm, or to cheer?”
Noël Carroll
2. It’s a substitute for an apology
“I was just joking” becomes a substitute for an apology. It switches the onus from the perpetrator to the offended person by deflecting the hurt back, placing the spotlight on them. Why are you so sensitive? Gosh, you’re always so serious. I’m just having a laugh. Chill out.
3. It’s when a person pretends they haven’t upset you
Funny jokes don’t need a qualifier of “I’m just joking”. It masks insults or putdowns. It’s a coward’s way of pretending they haven’t upset you. Good jokes don’t need an explanation.
“I have weapons of self-defense. They’re called jokes.”
Jarod Kintz, author
4. It’s a defense mechanism
“Just joking” protects the perpetrator from any repercussions. It’s another way of deflecting fallout because now they’re not responsible for hurting the feelings of a ‘woke’ person.
5. It allows people to be hurtful without consequences
Manipulators like psychopaths and narcissists often say, “Just joking”. It enables hurtful remarks without consequence. People who use this phrase often know that what they’re saying will upset you, and they use ‘just kidding’ or ‘only joking’ to say whatever they want to you.
“Some jokes are less agreeable than other”
Harriet Beecher Stowe, Uncle Tom’s Cabin
6. It doesn’t let you express your feelings
This phrase shuts down any response from you because it implies you can’t take a joke and you’re being too sensitive. If you persist in calling this person out, you’re seen as a snowflake or a drama queen.
7. It’s designed to push your boundaries
Perpetrators use this phrase to see how far they can push you. They’ll shut you down each time with “I was only joking” and continue to intensify their abuse. They’ll disregard your protestations until you’re willing to put up with their abuse.
“Freedom of speech: Covers both jokes and criticism. If the joke’s bad, laugh at the comedian.”
Dipti Dhakul
8. It’s when a joke has gone too far
Perhaps the joker doesn’t realize they’ve stepped over a line, and you’re offended or upset, but instead of apologizing, owning up and showing they’re big enough to admit their error, they step back behind the line with ‘Just joking’.
9. It’s a passive-aggressive way of insulting you
This is a coward’s way of getting away with abusive behavior. Perpetrators use this phrase to insult or demean you without facing consequences, and anyone who confronts them can’t take a joke.
10. It’s a gaslighting technique
Manipulators use the ‘I was only joking’ phrase to undermine your self-confidence. You question whether you’re justified in calling out such behavior. Perhaps they’re right? Maybe you are being silly?
This is what manipulators want you to think, but jokes are supposed to be funny, remember, so if it’s at your expense and it’s upset you, it’s a gaslighting tactic.
11. It takes back a compliment
Saying ‘I was only joking’ isn’t just used to get away with insults. It’s also a favorite tactic of narcissists. They’ll give you a compliment, which boosts your self-esteem, then snatch it away with the joking phrase.
For example,
Narcissist: “You look amazing in that dress!”
You: “Thank you.”
Narcissist: “Just kidding!”
Narcissists don’t know how to show positive emotions, and they don’t want the spotlight on someone else, so they’ll tease you instead.
“… [I] would never allow myself to be funny at the cost of making somebody else feel like something the cat drug in.”
Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Timequake
12. It’s difficult for neuro-divergent people
Those on the autism spectrum find social norms and interactions difficult to understand and often have no filter. So when they joke around and say something inappropriate, they might use “It was just a joke” to cover up their actions because they’ve misread the situation.
13. It’s a response to anger
Humor is subjective. What one person finds funny may offend another. So sometimes ‘Just joking‘ is a knee-jerk response to a joke that hasn’t landed well.
How to respond when someone says, ‘I was just joking’
“…it is not ‘Cool’ to laugh at anybody’s age, gender, lack of understanding, or economic status. Make jokes and be humorous, but not at the expense of another person.”
Avijeet Das
There are many hidden meanings behind the phrase, so how can you respond?
US trial attorney Jefferson Fisher is a communications expert and gives advice on his social media platforms. He has the perfect response to “I was just joking.”
“Then be funnier.”
Here are a few more comebacks to keep up your sleeves:
- “You forgot the funny part.”
- “You’re not funny, so it’s hard to tell.”
- “I’m surprised you feel comfortable saying that.”
- “What a weird thing to say.”
- “Oh, that’s good because I thought you were just being an arse.”
- “A joke is when someone says something funny and everyone laughs.”
- “No, you weren’t.”
- “Oh really? Can you explain it to me?”
- “Thank goodness it was a joke; I was just about to tell you how rude you are.”
Final Thoughts
I said at the beginning that sometimes a joke is just a joke, but if someone uses the phrase “Just joking” to insult, belittle or embarrass you regularly, you must decide how you’re going to deal with the situation.
First, take a breath and analyze the situation. Second, think about how you want to address the behavior, and third, respond. And remember, it’s the person telling the nasty jokes who has the issues, not you.
- 13 Signs of Emotional Immaturity in a Man - January 29, 2026
- How to Outsmart a Manipulator: 9 Clever Ways - January 23, 2026
- What Happens When You Ignore a Narcissist – 11 Things to Expect - January 12, 2026
When ‘Just Joking’ Isn’t Funny Anymore
So much of the time “I’m just joking” comes off as a weak dodge.
It’s not always innocent, like the article says, sometimes it’s a lazy apology or a way to invalidate someone’s feelings. You get hurt by a comment, call it out, and the response is literally “chill, I was just joking”. That deflects accountability and makes you the problem.
If it’s funny, great. If not – say sorry, don’t hide behind “just joking”.
I decided this morning to call out one of those jokers on the street. Does he think that chewing his fingers every time he sees me is fun? Well, life is not one of those Dhar Mann videos that I will regret humiliating a dude that works for a minimum wage.