If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “My mother-in-law hates me” or “My in-laws hate me”, I can empathize. I dated a guy years ago and his mother made it very clear to everyone (mostly me) she preferred his ex-wife. She wouldn’t even use my name. She referred to me as ‘The Girlfriend’. To my face.
In the end, our relationship improved, but it was bloody hard at the beginning. I had to learn not to take her rudeness personally, and once she realized I loved her son and would always do my best for her grandchildren, she began to warm up a little.
Perhaps you have a toxic mother-in-law, and you’ve tried everything to get along, but you’re at your wits end. Here’s what you can do.
8 Signs My Mother-in-Law Hates Me
Signs you have a toxic mother-in-law include:
- Overly-critical
- Condescending
- Constantly interfering
- Rude
- Controlling
- Attention-seeking
- Disrespectful
- Ignores you
Toxic mothers-in-law create a divide between couples. The child might feel compelled to choose a side, try to mediate, or simply avoid the conflict entirely. This causes tension within the relationship. So, if you think, “My mother-in-law hates me,” what’s the answer?
1. Talk to your partner
Your first step should be to approach your partner. They might be avoiding the problem, or they might not realize how upset you are.
These types of toxic in-law relationships won’t solve themselves. Let your partner know how it is affecting you. Don’t ask them to take sides and don’t badmouth her character, but use examples of her behavior. Discuss the issue as if you are a team.
2. Try to get to know her
Spend some one-on-one time together. Tell her you’d really like to establish a relationship with her. Tell her she raised a terrific partner, and that her child is a wonderful partner to you. There’s nothing more flattering than a compliment, especially if your compliment is about her parenting skills.
3. Ask your mother-in-law why she hates you
Transparent, direct dialogue goes a long way. If you’re brave enough, ask your mother-in-law why she doesn’t like you. Take her aside and have that frank conversation.
Assure her you’re not going anywhere and this is her opportunity to air her grievances or concerns. Open and honest communication helps both of you address misunderstandings and concerns.
You’ve tried everything and your mother-in-law still hates you
4. Limit your interactions
I don’t know about you, but I don’t spend time with toxic people and certainly toxic family members don’t get a free pass. Keep interactions to a minimum. This includes minor stuff like telephone calls and ‘dropping in’ unannounced to major occasions like Christmas and Thanksgiving.
Agree in advance with your partner how long you’ll attend a family gathering and don’t feel pressured to go to events.
5. Don’t share intimate details
I tell my closest friends everything, but I certainly wouldn’t share intimate details with people who don’t like me. Keep this in mind when talking to toxic in-laws. Stick to small talk, be polite, but don’t go into detail about your family. Only give them the bare bones of shallow pleasantries because they haven’t earned your trust.
6. You don’t have to see her, your partner can
Your partner can have whatever type of relationship they want with their parents, but you don’t have to. There’s no rule in marriage that says you must put up with toxic behavior from your in-laws.
Tell your partner they can do what they want, but you won’t be seeing them until their behavior changes. And if their rude behavior stretches to your children, they are also off-limits.
Understanding why your mother-in-law hates you
In-laws clash for lots of reasons. Understanding the issues behind the hostility helps you to resolve the situation.
1. She’s threatened by your presence in her life
A jealous mother-in-law might be threatened by anyone that dates or marries her child. This stems from her insecurity, not from any fault of yours. She resents you for stealing her child from her. Now that you’ve arrived on the scene, she’s not as important as she was.
How to deal with it
You have two choices. You can stop trying, or you can reassure her of her place within your relationship.
How do you do that? Make sure your partner spends quality time with her; include her on family occasions; do something special for her on her birthday; or take her out on your own. Make her feel appreciated and reassure her of her place within the family.
2. She doesn’t think you’re good enough
Some mothers have imagined who their child should end up with, and it’s likely that no one can measure up to their expectations, but unless you’ve got a rap sheet a mile long or you have questionable hygiene habits, there’s no reason your mother-in-law shouldn’t get along with you.
You don’t have to become best friends forever, but at the very least, she can be respectful.
How to deal with it
My ex-mother-in-law hated me because she preferred my ex’s first wife, so there wasn’t much I could do about that. However, over time, she realized I loved her son and his children, and the ice melted.
You might not be her first choice, but you love her child, and they love you. Take her to one side and talk to her. Reassure her you have her child’s best interests at heart and while you might not be her first choice, her child chose you and you’re not going anywhere.
3. She doesn’t feel needed anymore
One person’s interfering is another person’s ‘helping’, so it’s possible your mother-in-law thinks you welcome her input. Then again, perhaps your mother-in-law is lonely, or she doesn’t feel important and this is her way of having a role in your family.
How to deal with it
Try to involve her on a more regular basis. For example, ask your partner to schedule a weekly phone call at a set time. If your mother-in-law is feeling lonely, establishing a routine will reassure her. It also makes her feel part of the family.
One caveat though, if she uses the interfering to criticize you, this is controlling behavior you don’t have to put up with.
Ask your partner for support if your mother-in-law is bad-mannered or disrespectful. You wouldn’t put up with this toxic behavior from anyone else, so it’s not acceptable within your family. If this fails, set boundaries and make it clear unless she can be polite and stop meddling, she’s not welcome.
4. She’s just so different to your mother
If you’re used to a warm, tactile, mumsy kind of mother, it can be a shock to the system to meet someone completely different. Maybe your mother is kind and generous; she looks after you when you visit, pampering and spoiling you, and your mother-in-law expects you to look after yourself.
Perhaps your mother-in-law is a straight-talker and comes across as blunt because you’re not used to it. It could even be a clash of cultures. For example, Germans state facts without sugarcoating them and this can appear rude to other cultures.
How to deal with it
Your mother-in-law is not your mother. Talk to your partner about the differences you’re noticing and they should reassure you that their behavior is normal for them and has nothing to do with you. Try not to take it personally and accept they’re different people.
Final thoughts
When you’re in the situation where you think, ‘my mother-in-law hates me’, remember, she doesn’t have to love you, but she should treat you with respect. If she won’t, don’t forget, you can’t control her behavior, but you can control how you feel about it and what you do about it.
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