Narcissists try to control you because they have to protect the false world they’ve created. Narcissists inhabit a kind of Truman Show of their own making, often resorting to extreme lengths to protect it.
To control the narrative of their story, they have to control the people in it, and that’s you, but did you know the methods grandiose and vulnerable narcissists use are miles apart?
For example, grandiose narcissists are the star of their show. They demand an audience, constant adulation and recognition of their achievements.
Vulnerable narcissists are the victim in their story. They fear abandonment, need constant validation, and wallow in self-pity. Here are examples of both types of narcissists’ controlling behavior.
How Grandiose Narcissists Try to Control You
Grandiose narcissists are ultra-confident, bold, impulsive, and callous individuals. They lack empathy and disregard anyone but themselves. This type of narcissist uses direct and often aggressive forms of manipulation to control you.
1. They use intimidation tactics
Grandiose narcissists are bullies. They are ruthless in pursuit of their desires. They are supremely confident and have no problem exploiting or dominating their victims. This includes physical acts of aggression, verbal or emotional abuse.
On the other hand, vulnerable narcissists are hyper-sensitive. They’re more likely to withdraw or become defensive, whereas grandiose narcissists are happy to browbeat their victims into submission. Grandiose narcissists are more likely to react with anger when they can’t control you.
2. They shock you with dramatic behavior
Once a grandiose narcissist has trapped you in the relationship, they’ll shock you to control you. Grandiose narcissists try to control you with over-the-top dramatic reactions which, after a while, become exhausting to the average person.
They might engage in risky or impulsive behavior which grabs your attention. You never know what will set them off, so you change your behavior to avoid conflict.
3. They undermine your confidence and achievements
Grandiose narcissists place themselves on the highest pedestal possible. From the top, they can command their audience of adoring worshipers, which includes you.
However, there’s room for only one person. Imagine one day you’re the center of attention; what then? You’ll soon know how angry they are. They’ll ridicule you or downplay your successes. They might even attribute them to their actions.
4. They veer between treating you extremely well or extremely badly
Grandiose narcissists keep you under control with their extreme moods towards you. Understanding this type of narcissist can be quite challenging. One moment you’re the most important thing in the world, the next you’re nothing.
This is a gaslighting technique which manipulates your behavior. For example, the grandiose narcissist will love bomb at the start of the relationship, then abuse you over time.
How Vulnerable Narcissists Try to Control You
Vulnerable narcissists use passive ways to control you. Unlike their grandiose counterparts, they have low self-esteem, so they won’t confront you directly. They’re hyper-sensitive and use covert methods like guilt tripping or playing the victim.
5. They sulk or give you the silent treatment
Silent treatment is a devious weapon in a vulnerable narcissist’s armory, because they can act as if nothing is wrong. So, they didn’t return your text? They were busy! They promised they’d call? Their phone battery died. They’re not as chatty as normal? You’re not the only person in their life!
You’ll get the message to chill out and stop being so dramatic, but deep down, you know something isn’t quite right, and it’s this sense of confusion that keeps you under their control.
6. They use timekeeping as a weapon
Vulnerable narcissists try to control you by using time as a gaslighting tactic. I’ll explain; when it’s something they want to do, they rigidly enforce an exact schedule. If it’s something you need, they’re chronically late, pretend you said a different time or don’t respond at all.
For instance, you invite your narcissist mother over for Mother’s Day well in advance and you don’t hear from her until late afternoon. As a result, she’s monopolized your entire day by not responding and making you wait until the very last minute.
7. They orchestrate a smear campaign against you
Vulnerable narcissists rarely like direct confrontation, so they resort to underhand methods to control you, such as spreading rumors, lies or exaggerating so-called unacceptable behavior. This method of control works in two ways. First, you become isolated with limited support from friends and family, and second, you may even turn to your narcissist for help. So now they are your savior.
Narcissists also use triangulation. In a group of three people, the narcissist favors one and shuns the other. The narcissist is playing everyone against one another by shaping opinions in a positive or negative way.
8. They use ‘micro-manipulations’ to foster sympathy or confusion
Micro-manipulations are casual comments dropped into a conversation by the vulnerable narcissist which grab your attention.
For example, you might receive a text that says they’re worried about a serious medical problem, but when you question them, they brush it off and say you weren’t supposed to see it. Or they might post a Facebook status about sitting in A&E for hours, but you know nothing about a hospital visit.
“Micro-manipulations are more geared towards sympathy and empathy of their partner and their own self-perceived victim status.”
Professor Kristy Lee Hochenberger
These comments force you back to the narcissist and clarify the situation. They’ll typically brush off the seriousness of the situation they’ve just created, but because you are empathic, you’re hooked into the drama. It’s a type of hoovering designed to draw you back to the relationship.
9. They ‘up’ their victim status and guilt-trip you
“Manipulators count on strong emotions—such as guilt, fear, love, and shame—to prevent us from thinking clearly and seeing what they’re up to. That’s exactly how they get away with it.”
Adelyn Birch, the author of ’30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics: How Manipulators Take Control In Personal Relationships’
Vulnerable narcissists try to control you by playing the victim. And because you’re an empathic person, it works. They’ll say things like
“I gave up everything for you so you owe me,” or “You have to do this because I’m your mother.”
Narcissists rewrite their history with you, recalling good times that never happened or glossing over abuse. They use their victim status to convince you and others of their fantasy world. Often, it’s you that end up apologizing because you believe you’ve caused their behavior.
Why Are Narcissists Able to Control You?
Narcissists often target empathic, trusting people-pleasers with low self-esteem who are forgiving in nature.
Having said that, it’s easy for anyone to fall into the trap of a narcissistic relationship because narcissists don’t start trying to control you from the beginning of the relationship, otherwise you’d run a mile. They slowly entangle you until your sense of the world is meshed with theirs and you’re trapped.
Narcissists control their victims because:
- The average person believes people say what they mean.
- You don’t expect to come across a pathological liar.
- You want to believe the wonderful person you first met is still in there somewhere.
- You think you can save this person.
- Maybe they’re acting the way they are because of something you’ve done.
- You don’t want to give up on them.
Final Thoughts
If you think a narcissist is trying to control you, one tip is to judge them by their actions, not their words, and always ask yourself, how do they make you feel? If the answer is confused, frustrated, guilty, anxious, depressed, or that you’re going crazy, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship.
References:
