It’s natural to argue with our partner sometimes, but what kind of relationship fights mean it’s over?
Disagreements are a normal part of a relationship, however, experts suggest it’s not the disagreements that matter, but what you argue about and how you argue that’s the crucial part of maintaining a healthy relationship.
For example, arguing about sex, money or commitment could mean problems further down the road. Here are 8 fights in a relationship could signal the end.
8 Relationship Fights That Are Deal Breakers
“Frequent fighting can be a sign of deeper issues in the relationship. When the cycle is evident, it’s important to look for help.”
Cynthia Catchings, therapist
1. When you have strong but polarizing core beliefs
Opposites can attract, but couples with polarizing values or beliefs will struggle to find common ground. Perhaps you are a feminist, and your partner doesn’t think women should have leadership roles? Maybe you’re a gun enthusiast and your boyfriend hates them? Are you pro-vaccine, but your girlfriend thinks the pandemic was a government conspiracy? Do your political or parenting views clash?
Our core beliefs are a fundamental part of our identity, and opposing views can feel like personal attacks. It’s one thing to disagree on your favorite ice-cream but constantly clashing on the bigger issues affects how you feel about that person.
2. When your idea of commitment is incompatible
We know what kind of relationship we want. Some prefer casual dating, others want exclusivity. However, studies show that people often view the partner who wants the most commitment as the weaker one in the relationship. This gives the less committed partner more power.
Relationships are journeys with significant destinations along the way, like cohabiting, marriage, and children. Traveling with a partner that won’t commit to these destinations creates uncertainty in the relationship. Until you address your commitment differences, the relationship fights will continue.
3. When your sexual needs are not met
We associate sexual compatibility with the frequency of intercourse, but that’s not the only factor. Frequency is central to a fulfilled sex like, but so is a willingness to meet a partner’s sexual needs. This is called ‘sexual communal motivation’. It refers to a partner’s behavior regarding sex.
“Perhaps their partner is supportive when declining their sexual advances, or more willing to compromise, or offer other forms of affection when they’re not interested in sex.”
Emma Young
So, it’s not simply about how often couples have sex, but what they do when their sexual drives don’t match. For example, a person may offer a massage or engage in a different sex act to please their partner. It’s a willingness to please that’s more important than sex itself.
4. When it’s always about money
It’s unlikely for couples to earn the same, but when salaries are poles apart, it can cause fights in the relationship.
Experts say when couples argue about money, it’s not just about finances. There’s an element of power and control attached to the person who earns more. For instance, if you and your partner work the same hours, but your partner earns more than you, they might expect you to do a greater share of childcare or housework.
There’s also the question of respect. Does a stay-at-home parent command the same respect as a top-earning CEO? Fights about money are complex with underlying issues, and if you can’t solve these issues, you’re destined to repeat the same arguments time and time again.
5. When it’s about your in-laws
In an ideal world, your partner’s parents would embrace you into the family as one of their own, but the reality can be quite different. Although there’s no rule that says you must get on with your in-laws, strained relationships with your in-laws can cause friction in your relationship.
You might not feel supported by your partner and insist they take sides. Or maybe you dread spending time with your in-laws and your partner doesn’t understand why?
We don’t choose our in-laws when we fall in love. We hope for a civil relationship with them. Your in-laws aren’t going anywhere. These relationship fights are going to keep happening until you resolve the issues.
6. When they engage in black and white thinking
Black and white thinking is an all-or-nothing way of viewing the world. It’s a way of thinking in extremes, often at opposite ends of the spectrum, with no nuances, empathy or grey areas. Black and white thinkers use words such as ‘never’, ‘always’, ‘disaster’, ‘perfect’, ‘impossible’, ‘everyone’, ‘no one’ etc.
For example:
“Oh, so I’m the monster and you’re perfect?”
“You never listen to what I say.”
“You are impossible to talk to.”
“I guess I’m stupid then for trusting you.”
“I’m always making excuses for you.”
“All your friends hate me.”
“I never get it right.”
“What’s the point of trying? It always goes wrong.”
When someone thinks in black and white, they’re unable to compromise or to see the wider implications of an argument. It’s easy to draw the wrong conclusions because we stereotype situations or people into extremes that are not realistic. When we do this, there’s no room for discussion or constructive debate.
7. When they bring up earlier arguments in every fight
“A lovers’ quarrel is always about every quarrel you ever had.”
Robert Brault
Your partner may revisit past fights for several reasons:
- They haven’t forgiven you
- It’s not resolved to their satisfaction
- They won’t accept they’re wrong
- It’s about guilt-tripping you
- Their aim is to punish or control you
Whatever the reason, it’s exhausting to keep hashing out old issues. How can you ever move forward and grow with your partner when you’re stuck in the past?
8. When they put every relationship fight on social media
“A relationship should be between two people, not the whole world.”
Anonymous
I think this is about having to be right and getting validation from your point of view. Your partner might feel strongly about their position and want confirmation or back up from their friends on social media. They can then use this as ammunition to win their argument.
Some might think that getting another person’s point of view is a good thing. After all, an objective opinion can often cut through the emotions of a highly personal situation. That’s why we have mediators. However, involving your friends and family to discuss personal issues is not conducive to resolving relationship fights.
How to Resolve Relationship Fights
“One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.”
Ziad K. Abdelnour
Conflict in a relationship doesn’t mean it’s the end for a couple. It shows there are issues that need to be resolved. So how do couples stop fighting? Cynthia Catchings is a therapist, and she has some advice for warring partners.
1. Take time out
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to say hurtful things when we’re emotional. Take a moment to calm down.
2. You don’t have to ‘win’ all the time
“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.”
John Ruskin
We all like to be right, but it’s not about winning. Your aim is not to win every fight, it’s about resolving the issue as a team.
3. Listen before you speak
Often, we are concentrating on our next response, and we miss what our partner is saying. Practice active listening skills, and you’ll see the situation from their point of view.
4. Ask questions
It’s easy to get caught up in the drama of a fight, but experts suggest asking questions not only diffuses the situation but also allows a greater understanding of the problem.
Final thoughts
Relationship fights are normal, but constant conflict is a sign of deeper issues that need to be addressed. The key to a healthy relationship depends on what you fight about and how you fight.
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Amazing Tips, you know i also thing I fight my spouse because of the in laws and end up with hurting each other, I really need to solve this as soon as possible, thanks for the amazing post.