Narcissists are renowned for using psychological projection to blame other people, even when it is entirely apparent that they are the ones in the wrong.

Whichever way they can, they will project the blame, stating that the other person made them do it, was responsible for their own bad behaviour, or simply did not do what they asked.

What is psychological projection?

It was psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud that first coined the term projection, describing it as a way in which an individual projects their own undesirable thoughts and beliefs onto someone else.

Examples of psychological projection:

  • Parents who have not achieved their goals in life demanding that their own children succeed.
  • Fearing your partner will cheat on you is often a reflection of how you view yourself.
  • Believing someone hates you could be signs of your hidden intense dislike for that person.

With regards to the narcissist, they too can have deep and repressed feelings, this is because their view of the world is so cut off from real life. It is often the case that a narcissist will blame their partner when their boundaries or rules are challenged. When this happens, a narcissist will suddenly experience a loss of control that threatens the very façade and world they have created.

It is not that a typical narcissist fails to know the difference between right and wrong. They do, it’s that when they themselves fail, they feel such an incredible sense of shame that they cannot deal with it.

Their delicate ego has to be protected at all costs and so the blame for the failure has to be directed elsewhere.

This leaves the other person in a constant state of anxiety because the narcissist’s reasons for blaming them are so irrational and ridiculous.

A few examples of psychological projection might include:

  • I performed badly at work today because you wanted to watch that late night film last night.
  • I was late for an important meeting because you asked me to collect the children.
  • My presentation sucked because you didn’t clean my shirts properly.

A narcissist will blame his or her significant other for every single thing that is wrong in their life. They are extremely judgemental and command total perfection from their loved ones. This, however, is certainly not reciprocated.

If a narcissist does something, however small and insignificant that is deemed to be a mistake, and they are caught out, they explode with a rage that is entirely inappropriate to the situation.

Ways in which a narcissist will use psychological projection on you:

  1. A narcissist might be particularly rude or abusive towards you, but when you get upset and call them out on their behaviour, they blame you for overreacting.
  2. A narcissist might cheat on a partner first and then blame the partner, saying they knew they would cheat so they did it first.
  3. They will avoid the problem then blame the partner for bringing up upsetting feelings.
  4. Give out silent treatment for no apparent reason and then blame the partner for some minor incident that happened in the past.
  5. Manufacture a problem and then refuse to discuss it, then blame the partner for wanting to talk it through when they say it was nothing to worry about.
  6. Leaving the partner saying that their partner was going to leave so they got in first.

It is unreasonable to expect anyone to be able to live under these shifting boundaries and rules. You are constantly in a state of free-floating anxiety, trying to live up to your partner’s unrealistic expectations that change by the minute.

Never knowing when the bomb will drop and your partner will explode about something that was never in your control in the first place. And inevitably, if you get the courage to leave a narcissist, it will always be your fault.

But this type of personality doesn’t sound like a very good romantic prospect, so how do people get sucked into dating a narcissist in the first place?

Experts in the study of relationships believe that narcissists target people who have very high emotional IQs.

Narcissists also focus on people who rate highly in characteristics such as empathy, integrity, ability to compromise, authenticity, accountability, and the capacity to love on a mature level. These just happen to be the exact characteristics a narcissist is lacking.

A narcissist is basically an empty husk of a human being who manufactures an attractive exterior in which to fool the people around him or her. Narcissists do not know how to feel love, pain, empathy or guilt, and seemingly surround themselves with people who have the exact qualities they lack.

A narcissist cannot continue putting up their mask to the world on their own forever. They need constant reminders of what it is really like to function as a normal human being. So they look for these types of people and emotionally entangle themselves with them.

However, even mixing with high-functioning people doesn’t allow them to keep up their façade. Eventually, they will go through the typical cycle of devaluing and discarding their partner before moving onto their next victim.

If you are involved with a person that is always projecting the blame onto you, you might be better off looking for love elsewhere.



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This Post Has 8 Comments

  1. Sardar Hamid

    Well It feels like I am a kind of Narcissist myself……… 🙁

  2. Mary Kingsley

    A very clever bit of writing but on this site, it’s as though narcissists are being singled out, attacked and segregated, rather seeing just how much narcissism is a component of everyone’s psychology today – because we are programmed into being narcissistic from birth.

    Narcissism is not so black and white. To understand it means we have to take a good hard look at ourselves. I say this as an ex-psychotherapist who has taught on this subject and who has been in mental health for over 30 years. OK, narcissists can wreck havoc but if you work in-depth, it’s plain that they are suffering greatly.

    Today, there are too many short essays and not enough deep research going on. Neither is enough guidance/help for those suffering.

    Well done for trying to bring certain issues to light, though. But instead of using the term narcissist, how about focusing on the collective psyche of humanity which is now highly programmed and in a real mess.

    1. Kelsee

      Yes, yes, yes Mary Kingsley! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I find these narcissistic attributes growing more and more in so many people I know and love. The extent of narcissistic programming going on in our society today is scary, but I do believe, as with any shadow side of human behavior, admitting to it’s existence in all of us and understanding it will help us disarm it.

      Narcissistic victims always “blaming” the narcissist sounds filled with irony. Not that it makes an excuse for the narcissistic behavior in the other person, but it certainly should cause a shift in our perspectives.

  3. Randy

    I agree
    “Suffering greatly is an understatement “

  4. Hitesh

    Hello, great article. Really insightful. I have a question as I thought the following is a form of Psychological Projection as well.

    Lets say, someone is narcissistic, and they cause issues, where they are the instigator and I call the police. Now, lets say I press charges, and they get in a mess, and if I try to reason with them, and say it is because you bullied and assaulted me and they reply with something crazy like “Well you called the police on me”

    Now is that Psychological Projection as well or is that something else?

    This is a common scenario among narcissists, no accountability. They will always place blame, like if you only listened to me etc.

    Please let me know.

  5. Missy Butcher

    So by labeling a person as a narcissist is not the one placing the label actually projecting their own narcissistic tendencies onto the other person? Isn’t the above described behaviors exactly what all of the so-called “victims” of their personally labeled narcissist do? In fact, isn’t “playing the victim” a labeled narcissistic manipulative behavior/tactic? Yes it is. These people, then, are not the “victims” of the narcissist – THEY ARE THE NARCISSIST.

    1. Hunkychunky1

      Hi Missy B. I am totally confused.I am somewhat paranoid. I know that i am writing from the viewpoint as a victim. I have learning difficulties and information processing problems. I have been used and pushed about by Narcissistic user types a few times. i believe that i have suffered trauma 7 times, 5 times in early childhood. I assumed i had attention deficit disorder but buried it.Eventually at aged 48 after a diagnosis of suspected bipolar. i found the book codependent no more and assumed that was what i had in conjunction with ADD and other things. I was Narcissistic and defiant as a child (ADD). I am now suspecting that i could be a covert narcissist !. Oh shit !. I have wanted to help Narcissists (protect and rescue )but am now paranoid that after no contact the last one is turning others against me. I am not without blame as i tried to help his wife and his adopted son from his anger and should not have got involved. He also demonstrated paranoia and flew into rages at me when drunk. He has pleaded with me not to talk about what has happened but i fear the worst although nothing has happened as far.
      I once wrote on a post that Narcissists were just victims of their childhood love less pasts and a little more understanding maybe should be considered. But i believe that i have now been seen as a protector of Narcissists.
      I do have a tendency to be very understanding and put the needs even of those who use me before my own. (co dependent)

      Should i be worried ??.

      I am obviously codependent but am i a covert narcissist as well ????

      Any advice you can give or somewhere i can get some would be very much appreciated.

      I understand that narcissists don’t go looking for help which gives me hope that i might just be paranoid !

  6. Lee

    Don’t let narcissists define who you are. Stop being ocd and labeling every flaw of your personality and try and live freely in peace from all manipulations. It’s like how so many police officers have a dismal outlook: they only see people on their worst days.ehat about all of the good decent people in the world who never call the police so they can come and see how perfectly “fine” everything is going.these good people and bar people are your thoughts in this comparison. What about all of the other good things about your personality? Focus on those, uplift yourself from bondage and live freely. Stop obsessing over your mistakes and rejoice that you aren’t ignorant of them anymore so no you have the opportunity to change. The stress relief will be enough to comfort you the rest of the way. Until you free yourself from this nonsense you will be stuck in the anxious ocd cycle that guides all disorders blindly.

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