When someone doesn’t love you back, it’s called unrequited love. Unrequited love comes in different guises. For example, you might yearn for an ex-partner, love someone who is unavailable, or stay in a one-sided relationship. Regardless of whether you choose to pursue this person or move on, these things happen.
7 Things That Happen When Someone Doesn’t Love You Back
1. You over-analyze the situation
“I’ll always wonder what we could have been if you had only loved me too.”
Unknown
While it can be a good idea to look back and learn from our mistakes, it’s easy to fall into the trap of over-analyzing a situation. You might read texts looking for clues, scrutinize their behavior, or perhaps you constantly go over conversations in your head to pinpoint if you said something to make them fall out of love.
In the end, you’ll have to accept that you may never know why this person doesn’t love you.
2. You want them even more
“Unrequited love is the hardest of all, because it makes you treasure what you never truly had.”
Unknown
Studies show that when something is rare and hard to get, it increases its value. Retailers know this as the Scarcity Rule, which is why you’ll see adverts declaring ‘Limited Edition’, ‘50% Off This Weekend’ or ‘Sale Ends 24 hrs.’
It’s the same with relationships. Suddenly, the person you were thinking of dumping has become an object of desire, just because you can’t have them.
3. You try harder to make them love you
When someone you love doesn’t love you back, it can make you put in more of an effort to please them. For example, you might change your appearance, agree to do things you’re not comfortable with, or allow your partner the freedom to see other people.
Unfortunately, this approach only makes your partner think even less of you and rarely has the desired effect.
4. You can’t stop thinking about them
“Love unrequited is like a question without an answer.”
Unknown
Humans have evolved to seek closure, because if we don’t get it, we’re left in a state of limbo, unable to move on. You often see crime victims talking about closure when the perpetrator has been found guilty. Closure is a full stop at the end of a sentence. It allows you to move on.
Without a full stop, the sentence just keeps going and going. Even though the relationship is finished, our brains are trying to resolve an unfinished emotional experience.
5. You feel rejected
“Nothing grieves more deeply or pathetically than one half of a great love that isn’t meant to be.”
Gregory David Roberts
When someone doesn’t love you back, it’s easy to feel rejected. Men find rejection difficult because they see dating as a ‘win or lose’ situation. This is black and white thinking. You are a success or a loser.
Rejection is unsettling because you feel people don’t like or value you, and when you don’t feel valued, your self-esteem and confidence plummet. Rejection has made you wary, preventing you from opening up and embracing new relationships.
6. You put them on a pedestal
“The saddest thing is to be a minute to someone, when you’ve made them your eternity.”
Sanober Khan
When you can’t have something, you want it even more, and unrequited love lingers, not because of who the person was, but who you wanted them to be. We project our hopes, our ideal partner characteristics, and sometimes our unmet needs onto them.
This person is a fantasy in our mind; they’re not a reality; they are a projection and live in our imagination.
However, studies show that there is little difference in the way our brains process imagined experiences to real ones. Just like real experiences, imagined ones produce a hit of dopamine, which makes us feel good, and we want more of this feeling. Our fantasy becomes self-perpetuating.
7. You have lost your confidence.
“There’s a special kind of pain in wanting someone who doesn’t want you.”
Unknown
Of all the gifts we offer, our love is the most valuable of them all, so having it rejected is devastating. You opened up, made yourself vulnerable and offered yourself, and this person doesn’t want you.
Loving someone who doesn’t love you back will inevitably knock your confidence and affect your self-esteem. You might wonder if there’s something wrong with you. Will you ever find that special person, or are you destined to remain single? It’s easy to become depressed, but difficult to regain your confidence.
What can you do when someone doesn’t love you back?
If someone you love has rejected you, think about the following:
Are you holding onto a fantasy or a real person?
Have you projected your ideal version of a partner onto this person? Is this so-called soulmate just a fantasy in your mind? Don’t think about what you’d like them to be. Ask yourself, what are they really like? Are they kind to you? Do they show you affection? Do they respect you? If the answer is no, why are you in love with them?
Are they fulfilling an unmet need?
Here’s another question to ask yourself; do you love the person or what they provide for you? For example, do they make you feel needed? Do you hate being single? Do you depend on them? These are not reasons to be in love. Think about how you can provide these things for yourself, rather than relying on other people.
It’s not you. It’s them
There’s no rule that says the person you love must love you back. Love is complicated. It’s nothing to do with you as a person. It’s how someone else feels about you, and you can’t control that. So, although this person is rejecting you, don’t take their rejection personally.
Your self-worth is not measured by the feelings of other people. Concentrate on healing and have compassion for yourself.
Final Thoughts
It can feel like a personal rejection when someone doesn’t love you back. Whether you are fantasizing about the person you want them to be, or perhaps they have fallen out of love with you, either way, accept this is out of your control. Find closure within yourself and turn your attention to those who deserve your love.
