Why do I hate myself? I’ve asked myself this question over and over again. So, I did some deep soul searching to find out. This is what I learned.

No matter who you are or what you do in life, you will come to a place of self-hatred. I think it happens to all of us. It happened to me several times, especially as a young adult. And guess what, I have moments here and there where it creeps up to bite me once more.

But now I know what to do when it happens.

‘Why do I hate myself so much?’

If you ever get an opportunity to see your self-loathing with its true face, you will be well on your way to understanding why it’s there, to begin with.

The problem so many of us have is that we cover it up, or we deny that we hate ourselves. But we cannot keep doing this because it will absolutely destroy us in time. So, getting to the root of the problem is the ideal solution.

1. Dysfunctional family dynamics

One reason you ask, “Why do I hate myself?” is because you’ve stored some things about your family in the back of your mind. Unveiling those truths, when you’re ready to know, will be painful.

You either had a family that neglected you, or you had a family who smothered you. In some cases, the family you were given considered you the black sheep. If you were the black sheep, it’s easy to understand where the self-hate came from.

2. Lost in our egos

Our ego wasn’t present at our birth, so we developed this as we went along. So many of us grew an ego that was flawed because it was enmeshed in a mixture of low and high self-esteem. We learned to survive and sometimes used people to get what we wanted. Come on, we’ve all been less than saintly people at times.

As we treated others in unkind ways, we understood that our ego was to blame. Some of us got stuck in this pattern of negative treatment that led to hating ourselves in the end. The more we hated ourselves, the worse we treated others, and so the pattern developed. This root could go back as far as our early teens.

3. Childhood trauma

Yes, dysfunctional families caused some childhood trauma just by being neglectful or smothering. However, severe childhood abuse, not just by family members, may have caused a thick root to travel throughout our lives and make us hate ourselves.

For years, I hated myself for being abused until someone finally convinced me that it wasn’t my fault. If you wonder, “Why do I hate myself so much?”, look back at the roots of your childhood. Sometimes nefarious could be hiding there.

4. Fake friends

As you grow older, you will encounter what I call ‘fake people’. I try to stay away from them now. There was a time, although, that I tried hard to make friends with people who I thought were popular or influential. This only damaged my self-esteem.

When those friends betrayed me, I couldn’t understand. I ended up hating myself and wondering what was wrong with me. You see, self-loathing comes quickly when dealing with fake friends. Be careful and guard your heart. Not every friend is really a friend at all.

5. Unhealthy intimate relationships

One reason why we end up hating ourselves so much is that a relationship ended badly with a toxic person. Many times, we get involved with someone who turns out to have a personality disorder. The narcissism and gaslighting have us believing lies like, “I’m worthless”, “I’m ugly”, and even “I will never amount to anything”.

This toxic person already hates themselves, and the only way they can feel better is to spread the disease and make other people suffer too. Well, it could just be a root that needs to be cut from another person you thought loved you. Unfortunately, they did not.

6. Body shaming

I’ve known many girls who’ve adopted low self-esteem simply because someone body-shamed them. In case you don’t know, body shaming is when a person is meant to feel bad for either being too big or too small, among other physical differences. They are criticized or insulted horribly.

It’s a form of bullying, and I guess you can say that self-loathing comes from this bullying behavior. This too can have roots from childhood. Even children are body-shamed every day.

It’s time to love yourself

Loving yourself might not be easy at first, especially if you’re still in a relationship with someone who brings you down as fast as you try to get back up. The hate you feel for yourself may even be leading to self-harm. So, if this is the case, getting away from that influence will change your life.

If the roots are deeper and travel into childhood, learning to love yourself may take a bit more time. One thing that worked for me was getting to know myself apart from any other influence. I had to train myself to not dwell on the trauma all the time, and understand that what happened to me isn’t who I am.

Even the people in my family, though they share genetic material still aren’t me. I am a good person. You are a good person too, and it’s important to realize this fact and appreciate the life you have. It’s time to stop asking “Why do I hate myself?”, and instead, start saying, “How can I be a better person tomorrow?”

Be better, do better.

If you feel like you hate yourself, read this article to learn how to cope with this emotional state.


  1. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
  2. https://www.psychologytoday.com

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This Post Has 5 Comments

  1. Daisy

    im Daisy and i say i hate my self twice a week, i think i start to hate my self even mor and more each time i say hate my self and lets go back rom tday. so what happened this aternoon was my parents was going out and i didnt want to so i didnt go and then they left me alone and i was very bored and didnt know what to do i felt stressed and yesterday was my brothers bday and i was there and it was hard for me bc he had friends over banging about and my bro was being horrible and i just stand it. so the next day my parents went to the shop and i didnt want to go bc i was bored and then i kept on walking around saying i hate my self then i ended up going n the kitcehn and puttng a big knife on my neck but i said to my self i want to die. 30 seconds later i said i need to calm down so i did i went on my laptop and searched why do i hate my self and saw this read the description and felt a bit better. i lost my nanny a few months ago and it hasnt helped much. thank you

  2. Sherrie Hurd, A.A.


    I am sorry that I just read this so late. It’s not bad to say you hate yourself sometimes, but it is better if you learn to gradually stop. It’s not easy, but it can be done. Let’s try this: Start saying,” I’m not happy with myself right now.” Then think about what you said and try to figure out why you don’t like yourself when other people are getting on your nerves. Do you feel guilty for getting mad at them? Don’t. It’s okay to get angry at other people who get under your skin.

    I would like to see you not putting knives to your skin, however, as I used to do that and now I have ugly scars. I had my whole left arm tattooed to cover my slashes on both the top and bottom of my arm. Since then, years since then, I’ve become better. I’ve thought of bad things, and I’ve attempted bad things, but for what? It’s not me that’s the problem all the time. Yes, sometimes I am the problem, but most of the time it’s someone or something else. Why should I take the blame?

    Over the years, my worst issue is my anger. Because now, I don’t want to hurt myself. I just get angry easier and complain. I don’t really even yell because yelling is putting myself at the level of toxic people who bother me. Think about these things. I don’t know how old you are, but no matter, be kind to yourself, and gradually stop saying those hateful words about yourself. Also, be kind to others, forgiving, and just let yourself be angry, not violent, just angry. If you have to, go outside and walk away from everyone, and let out this bloodcurdling scream. It feels good.

    The truth is, I don’t have a cure-all for everyone, as everyone is different. What I do know is my experience and where it leads. Nothing negative I’ve done has led to positive results. I cannot take it back now, so I might as well try to be happy any chance I get. When I’m not, I will get angry, fuss and go outside and scream.

    Take care of yourself, Daisy. You matter so much.

  3. Donia

    Hey Sherrie,
    I was discussing with my mother about a subject I’ve been suffering from for years: hating myself.
    First, I tend to blame myself all the time. I always avoid at all costs blaming others and I blame myself instead, no matter what’s the mistake and who caused it.
    Second, I wish sometimes that sui*cide was allowed in my religion. Otherwise, I’d be dead a long time ago.
    Third, I’m always afraid of the idea that I bother people when I’m with them; when I talk with my siblings, when I hang around with my friends. I try my best to be kind and cool. But I keep feeling anxiety and afraid of hurting or bothering my close friends.
    Fourth: I discovered this year that I’m a needy person in my relationships: I fear the idea that my friends or my “boyfriend” don’t love me that much. So, I demand them love and care, although they do. Is that a part of self-hatred?
    Finally, I don’t trust my taste, at all! Every morning, before I leave to school, I ask my mother if “I look okay or I look like a clown?” and I insist on the honest answer. Mama screams at me saying that I’ve never looked like a clown and that I should stop this lack of self-confidence. Also, she believes that my younger sister was the reason of this lack of self-confidence, because when we were togother in middle school, she used to complain about the way I get dressed or behave in school everyday and scream at me, as her friends wonder all the time why do I do this or that (I’m a very spontaneous girl and still am).

    I’m not sure what my question is. I am happy I could tell somebody else, as Mama and my friends are done with repeating the same dialogue “love yourself” almost every month.

    I can ask you: do you have any idea why do I have also a very negative view of the world and life? Is it genetic? Because my father suffered the same and now he’s alone in his bedroom; no friends, no job.

    Thank you!

  4. brooke

    hi im brooke and i hated myself
    so for a couple of years i hated myself and wanted to kill myself but i always said no but all the time i said no is because i want to give myself another chance .
    my dog died awile ago and she was the only one that keept me going and she got parvo and she died so i had to deal with crying for 3 months and then i got a new dog her name is lady and she is the best dog ever and animals make me calm and safe so im glad im here wrighting this because if it wernt for my dog i wouldent be here typying yhis right now . LOVE YOURSELF

  5. brooke

    Im going to come on here and start helping people not hate there self like i did.LOVE YOUSELF

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