Narcissistic females are thought to be rarer than their male counterparts. In fact, 75% of narcissists are male. Recently, however, studies have shown more and more covert narcissists are women. The covert narcissist mother, being one of the most malignant of the group, can cause some of the worst damage as well.
You would be surprised just how much damage is done to children with covert and dangerous mothers. Yes, I said dangerous because later in life, this upbringing can cause mental health problems and even suicide.
So, what does this type of mother do to her children that’s so heinous? Maybe you will understand the serious nature by delving into the effects of the narcissist.
One thing the covert narcissist type of mother does to her child is devaluation or triangulation. This means she uses one child as a scapegoat and the other as the perfect child.
This creates competition within the mind of the flawed child. This sibling tries desperately to please their mother which is almost impossible. In the meantime, their mother is doting on the golden child and offering praises day after day.
This sort of covert and venomous narcissist mother can leave her imprint way into her child’s adulthood. The effects surface by not being good enough and always comparing themselves to other people.
One way the covert style of the narcissistic mother affects the children is by the utilization of two faces. What I mean by two faces is that the mother is loving to her children when presenting them to the outside world, but behind closed doors, she is quite the opposite.
She shows off her children, then punishes them for small things later on. Sometimes she passes her duties as a mother to other people when no one from outside the home is around to see her true actions.
One of the most horrible things a mother can do is invalidate the feelings of her children and make them feel like they are the crazy ones. This type of mother does negative things and blames the actions of her children as the cause of her negative actions.
She doesn’t validate the feelings of her children as real concerns. This is because the covert narcissistic moods of the mother show no empathy. If something occurs that’s obviously the fault of this mother, she resorts to gaslighting to defend the truths of actions.
A narcissist’s children are not individuals in her eyes. They are simply a part of her being, created by her, and under her control. She dresses her children in certain ways to represent herself, otherwise, she will have a reputation she does not want.
In public, she brags about her children, but in private she pushes them to be better – she tells them to lose weight or to dress better.. Her children are possessions, or better yet, extensions of herself which must represent her and not an individual person.
The covert version of the narcissistic mother will cross strange boundaries with her children. These are boundaries that are extremely disturbing sometimes.
If she has a female child that is developing and maturing physical, the mother will compete with her daughter’s youthful looks. She may try to dress more provocatively than her daughter and even try to steal her boyfriends or seduce them.
She crosses these boundaries because she is aware of her aging and no child of hers will be better than her in any way.
A covert narcissist will always find greater pleasure in providing for herself over the need of her children. For instance, she rather purchase new clothing for herself than for her children, even if they need new school clothing.
She is a selfish person and doesn’t care how her children see her. She will buy them the bare minimum and then again, show her children off to the world in their few new outfits. If you pay attention, you will notice the covert mother has more new clothing than her children.
A covert and intrusive narcissistic mother will always break boundaries when it comes to her child’s privacy. Yes, you should, as a mother, be able to check up on some of your children’s actions, but not constantly. Sometimes it is best to let them have some privacy and figure out things for themselves.
An unhealthy relationship with your child will turn into unhealthy relationships when they grow older, destroying future relationships and causing others to resent them for their intrusive behavior.
Look within and ask yourself, do you fit any of these indicators of being a parent like this? If you relate to any of these things, please try to change as much as possible for the sake of your child’s future. The treatment they receive now will be the foundation of their adult lives.
If you know someone who is a covert narcissistic type of mother, please provide help for their children if you can. Remember, you cannot break boundaries either or the mother will only punish the children for that as well. If anything, get anonymous support or help.
I hope these indicators and words of hope have helped you as well.
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Why didn't I realize or even Imagine That my mother may have provoked accidents, killed a pet, influenced two people who committed suicide outside the family. I already knew She didn't seem to have my Best interests at heart,destroyed and hid favorite possessions throughout my youth. After her Death , sorting her possessions, I have found sarcastic pencil notes bragging about some Bad things She put over on me. There Was a list, of "terrible experiences " which included three suicides of people She barely knew and How they Did it. Two people outside the family killed themselves after questionale behavior by her. I found letters from some boys That wrote to me When I Was in H.S. and college That I didn't know about. I found lists if boys who liked me at different times. Some names I don't recognize.I found important papers about, my A.C.T. Scholarship. My Freshman year, I went to a private college and transferred to a public U. the next Year. My mother told me I had received a letter saying my father earned too much to benefit from the scholarship. Recently, I found that, they had actually sent an application if I changed to a STATE school.She kept lnfo. about an Honors Society ,She even invited a boy I had been dating to the family home When I Was not there and wouldn't be back for a long time. He doesn't remember What happened. I found his Thank you note. I found my mom had affaires and hid two of her lover's notes in School papers the She put in a box under my bed to be found some day. Now, I wonder if "my father" is really my father. What about the strange Death of my bird after my father promised That after one of her eggs hatched, I would give the Baby to one of his female students that He frequently complimented at home. Worst of all, What about horrific accidents That had strange elements involved and Why didn't I suspect her involvement given That She had already acted badly. She seemed to like to scare me as a child and later. Was my mother a narcissist and psychopath? Why didn't I suspect or do anything about a lot of this behavior?Terrible!! When I Was young, I moved overseas and joined another family. That Was so lucky.
That was MY MOTHER & I've had more therapists than Murphy Brown had secretaries!
My mother exactly. My father traveled for work and she also would make minor things we did BIG to him and he would spank us and be gone again. She slept with my husband (I was 17 and pregnant). My father had just left her. She was a horrible mother. My brother and sister eventually committed suicide. Now she likes to "paint " my wonderful childhood as she likes. She now has delusional thoughts and I no longer fall prey to her ways. I forgave her and myself for not being able to protect the little girl I was. I just wished my siblings were still here but for them she won't win. I suffered abuse from her and others (strangers) from 4-15 yrs old. My will is too strong for anyone to break me!!
DIANNE AND DEB Thank you for your replys. I apprecated the confirmations that
my mother wasn't the only one like this.I feel less bothered by my mother's actions after reading her pencil notes after her
death and realizing she willfully did some bad things and had a very distructive mindset. I feel that her attitude twards me wasn't my fault. However, I am really shock at what she did twards me and others. I would perhaps like to forgive her and completely move on but, first, I would like to know exactly what, other horrible things she was responsible for. I am so shocked at what I have already discovered. I live overseas and in 2018 and 2019 came back several times to sort my mother's house. I have help from a neighbor for many things but sorting is something I need to do myself. The result is that ,esp. because of not being able to travel during Covid, this might take a long time. I imagine I will discover
more shocking things sine much more needs to be sorted.I also feel I am the guardian of all of her letters from former generations, photos, geneology items about great aunts, etc. It feels like a weight because I live overseas and have no brothers or sisters or other close family members. What should I do? I feel guilty throwing stuff away but much of it I don·t want. I have trouble even being around these things. I feel it's my duty to take care of all of these papers,etc. I don't have other relatives that could keep them. I
really have a hard time going back to the house and usually leave after a short time. I would like to finish this chapter and get on with my life. How to do it?
I am so completely blown away by this accurate description of my mother! Every single point of this article relates to her and the issues my siblings and I endured growing up. I am the oldest of 6. I just turned 70 years old. The only way I could live a peaceful life was to completely separate myself from her many years ago. Several of my siblings have made the same choice. We had to do it for our own sanity. She would constantly try to divide us and turn us against each other, constantly tell us how disappointed she was that we were her kids, continually tossed us aside emotionally and disconnect from us for months if she got mad at us for something simple. It just gets emotionally draining and you end up not caring anyway. She dated several of my boyfriends while I was in high school and even had my brother by one of them. She also married another one of them for a short period too, just to show me she could! She was more popular in my high school than I was! She would tell my sister that she used to be beautiful when she was thinner. She told me “You know your Dad never really loved you, don’t you?” We never knew how to think for ourselves because it was all controlled by her. If I brought a friend home from school, she would accuse her of flirting with my Dad. She claimed she was a good mother because we were always dressed well. My younger brother was her “golden child” but after she told him about 3 or 4 different men that were his father, he finally broke off all communications with her too! All of these messages throughout your life really does a job on a person. I can see the damage it has done to each of my siblings in different ways. Even though some of us have been through years of therapy, it’s still hard to completely overcome. Thank you for this excellent article! I shared it with a couple of my sisters and we all appreciate it!