Love doesn’t make the world go round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
– Shannon L. Alder
That one person when we meet, you feel an uncontrollable desire and an illogical sense of familiarity with. As if you’ve known that person for a lifetime, or perhaps lifetimes. Whatever you want to call it, films and TV series alike have romanticized the phenomenon known as the soulmate.
But what do we really know about the perfect mate or the ideal partner? Psychology is finally shedding light on the mystery that encapsulates so many hearts and minds around the world in an effort to understand what truly makes two people compatible for a relationship.
Dating sites boast about their in-depth personality tests and about finding someone with similar answers to the questions you answer on their tests can result in finding your soulmate or the perfect mate.
Now, this sounds very appealing for many different reasons. First, naturally, you want to be with someone who shares the same values as you and perhaps even someone who enjoys similar activities like rock climbing.
Secondly, it only seems logical to search for another person that also wants to raise children and begin a family someday. Lastly, we have such a yearning for love as social creatures, that we will convince ourselves of just about anything in order to fill the empty spots in our hearts.
All of these reasons, create quite the compelling case for compatibility sites —but how well and how long do the relationships that have similar interests and quirks truly last?
Dr. Ted L. Huston of the University of Texas ran a longitudinal study of couples that had been married for years and in his research, he found out something quite surprising. Dr. Huston’s explains,
“My research shows that there is no difference in the objective compatibility between those couples who are unhappy and those who are happy”.
Dr. Huston went on to say that couples that are feeling content and warmth in their relationships said that compatibility wasn’t an issue for them. In fact, they were perfectly ok saying that it was them who made the relationship work, not the compatibility of their personalities.
But when the unhappy couples were asked what they thought about compatibility, they all answered by saying that compatibility is extremely important to a marriage. And sadly, that they didn’t think they were compatible with their significant other.
Dr. Huston explained that when the unhappy couples said, “We’re incompatible”, they were truly meaning, “We don’t get along very well”.
That’s where the issue arises with compatibility, everyone who is unhappy naturally blames it on the facade of compatibility. They fail to realize and comprehend that a successful relationship does not hinge its posterity on how alike you are —instead, it hangs on by the sheer willpower and desire to stay in a relationship.
As observed in arranged marriages, where they tend to last longer and tend to be happier in their relationships, according to international happiness surveys. Do these arranged marriages last longer because they don’t have the option of divorce as we do in the United States?
Of course not, it’s because they choose to stay committed and aren’t looking for “the next best thing” or someone that’s more suitable in their eyes.
Professor of Sociology at Stanford University, Michael J. Rosenfeld explains that arranged marriages aren’t that different from the love relationships we have in the Western world. The greatest difference is in culture, Americans value autonomy more than anything, they want the freedom to choose who they want to be with.
More often than not, however, we get stuck in the perpetual loop of consciously and unconsciously considering someone else when things aren’t going perfectly in our own relationship. And this is where the illusion of compatibility comes into play.
So we know that building a relationship with another person is dependent on you and the other person. It has more or less nothing to do with compatibility. But if you can’t depend on compatibility exams or some standard form of testing to find your ideal mate, then how do we do it?
John Gottman, the founder and director of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, said that measures of personality are incapable of truly predicting the length or success of a relationship.
John Gottman’s Relationship Research Institute discovered that couples who focus their energy on building something meaningful together in their life (e.g., starting a business together like a magazine,) tend to last the longest. How a couple interacts is the single most fundamental aspect of creating a successful relationship.
Meaning, it’s not who you are or what you do that will prolong or help you find your soulmate or the perfect mate. It’s how you speak to each other, how well you get along, how many dreams you can envision together.
John Gottman went on to say if your relationship or interest supports your life dreams, your ideal partner will look up to you, admire you, and view you through rose-colored lenses. Now, this sounds ideal, but when you truly reflect on how you’ve always wanted to be treated —having someone who genuinely believes in your greatness, is paramount.
Don’t think it’s all just how we view one another however, a lot of the connection you feel with another person is emotional. Therefore, you must be capable of responding to each other when you need something. Or as John Gottman said,
“Does your partner turn toward you with equal enthusiasm? You need to ask questions and constantly update your knowledge of one another.”
If you truly are looking for love and want to find that person that you can spend the rest of your life with —then remember, that it is YOU who creates compatibility. There is no magic formula or perfect algorithm for making a fruitful relationship with another human being.
Yes, you need to find the other person attractive, look up to them, and feel a strong sense of familiarity with, but those are but one small slice of the pie that constitutes a healthy and long relationship.
So next time, you spot someone who catches your attention and makes your pupils dilate with interest and enthusiasm, pay attention to whether or not they can see the dream you envisioned for your life.
If they can share in your delight and can accept you for who you are today, not for who you can be tomorrow —then you have found your soulmate.
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Excellent article, based on experience and motivated by a strong desire to determine what REALLY makes a relationship work (past that "point" when you feel totally incompatible and only 1 of you is trying to compromise, search for answers, and not give in - this is my interpretation. If I am off on things, it is only because I base things on my experiences.)
Thank you for sharing your research, your own life experience, and your sources for us to find more information. Good luck to you!
Soul mates don't exist. We fall in love with those who meet our unconscious list of traits that we are looking for in a potential partner. This means there are a lot of people who can fit that list. It only validates the well-known fact that we can fall in love with many people throughout our life. The rub is- choosing the person you can spend the rest of your life with.
Hanan,
You are the one with the only response I agree with. The only thing I would add is to have the GUTS to get rid of the ones you know are WRONG for you and not stay with them solely because they meet your subconscious needs and wants, and have the guts to choose the ONE who is actually RIGHT for you in addition to meeting your needs. It takes PATIENCE to wait for the right one. But you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT that it's all subconscious (or unconscious). WAKE UP CALL PEOPLE! We don't REALLY know what we want, because we use our CONSCIOUS mind to dictate what we only THINK we want, when in fact it's all UNCONSCIOUS! The sooner we learn this and use it to our advantage, the happier we'll be. That's why most people are miserable; because they SETTLE.
Sounds like classic narcissistic personality disorder. It's all about you, you, you. Get over yourself. Why should anyone settle for someone that believes that they have settled for less. Those people are miserable because they are envious of what others have and are not content with they have. They have unrealistic expectations and it takes too much to make them happy and that's why they are miserable. That is also why people cheat on their mate.
Likes versus dislikes: I want a woman who plays tennis and enjoys sailing, or not. But NO golfers!
No religious nuts telling me they KNOW what god thinks. No woman who is looking for a guy with more wealth like relationships are some kind of a fashion statement, here today, gone tomorrow, grass is greener. Those are shallow people but hard to recognize initially.
"Someone who thinks you are great??" Naaaa, just someone who is kind, is basically happy with her own life, vocation, etc., and treats me the way they want to be treated.
Someone who enjoys sex and good foods and nature like the ocean and mountains, snow storms outside and a warm fire inside.
Thanks for sharing this article, Luis. I think the issue is in defining what we mean when we say "soulmate". Many people have the idea that your soulmate is The One person in the world with whom you have The Perfect Relationship, Forever. But a soulmate relationship is not perfect and without conflict and disagreement. A soulmate relationship isn't necessarily a once in a lifetime ordeal, but it can be. Some people need only meet one soulmate before they realize what they have and settle in for the beautiful journey. For others, they will meet multiple soulmates-people integral to their life's mission and their person's growth, and they will need to move through these intense relationships.
The truth is, a soulmate is someone who helps you to grow exponentially, and this growth is mutual. It doesn't mean you will socially contract with each other under the law, an activity unrelated to "souls". It doesn't mean you'll be together Forever. The relationship is not always consummated sexually.
You'll know you've met a soulmate when your life has changed as a result of your meeting/knowing someone. The meeting is serendipitous and will leave you in awe. These meetings always end painfully because someone always has to go, do they not? We will all either walk away or die, eventually. This is love. And this is life blessed with a soulmate.
If we allow them to, soulmates teach us to love ourselves and others more deeply. They open us up to new possibilities and potentials-and sometimes new people. They do this when they are physically near as well as worlds away. You know you've found a soulmate when your love for them transcends time and space, when you can let them go and still grow in your love for them, when you want the best for them even if it isn't with you(especially then), when your empathy for them is so potent that you can feel them even at far distances, when you allow them to move into the deepest parts of your being without much fear of being intentionally hurt by them. This is a soulmate.
None of the above is to say that you ought marry any one of your soulmates though! Some soulmates are more suitable for the social contract of marriage than others. First, does your soulmate agree with you on the idea of marriage? Soulmate or not, marriage is not for everyone. Souls cannot be bound by earthly laws! Secondly, does your soulmate share your most important values? Soulmates don't think exactly alike. Are your sexual rhythms in sync? Are you each healthy enough to maintain a relationship? Essentially, if you intend on marrying or living with a soulmate, then you must ensure that your soul connection is meant to endure the romantic social expectations here on earth in a way that works excellently for the both of you. This is rare, but the waiting is worth it! The soulmate who endeavors to live blissfully on earth as you do, to take that long journey, that is the soulmate you consider for marriage(this is where Gottman comes in). All other soulmates lead to this one if marriage is to be a part of your life's great lesson.
Imagine what kind of world we'd live in if people would 1) wait for the *right* soulmate to *marry* and 2) realize that all loves, past, current, and future are soulmates of the highest order. They are our teachers: to be forever loved, cherished, and honored-even in separation,divorce, death, and the furthest geographical distances.
Your soulmate for marriage and life on earth is there, Luis. They will love you intensely and you them, your compatibility(the *ease* with which you execute Gottman's rules) will point you to them and they you. Your breakup, although intensely painful, has only brought you closer to what you seek. Never give up on love. Never give up on divine order. All that you need will be given time.
From reading this great article my intake is that when it comes to soulmate compatibility is not a major aspect at all, to make a relationship last a lifetime, two people have to be very dedicated to put their differences aside and work hard to overcome the obstacles. normally selfish folks who are looking for someone different and who wants to run through the hard times will indeed use "not compatible" phase to run from the relationship...