We’ve likely all heard about codependency and how becoming overly reliant on another person can leave you vulnerable to repeating cycles of behavior. But what about counterdependency?
Here we discover what counterdependency means, the impact it can have on your life, and signs that indicate you might be counterdependent.
By and large, in any healthy family, workplace, or relationship, having some dependency level is positive.
A reasonable degree of dependency means:
Being counterdependent is quite the opposite, and something in stark contrast to codependency, but just as potentially damaging.
Therefore, the definition of counterdependency is the refusal of attachment, intimacy, and any kind of reliance on other people.
People who are counterdependent are adverse to trust. They shy away from intimacy or friendships and feel exposed and unhappy when relying on anybody for anything.
This can be described as ‘avoidant attachment‘ – i.e., making concerted efforts never to be attached to anything at all.
Often, counterdependency is a personality trait arising from childhood trauma or being forced to become independent at far too young an age, leaving a person highly resistant to feeling reliant on other people, often to extremes.
Of course, sometimes, being self-sufficient and not needing to depend on anybody else is a great thing!
Everybody wants to have their own level of autonomy to make decisions, manage situations, and carve out their life path.
However, autonomy is about recognizing your confidence and self-reliance, but having no resistance to seeking support when you need it.
Some of the impacts of being counterdependent include:
The happy medium is best described as inter-dependence; i.e., you are content in yourself, can make decisions on your own, and aren’t controlled by anybody else’s behaviors.
However, you can form sustainable relationships, and are not afraid to be vulnerable or rely on others when the need arises.
Do you recognize any of these descriptions, and think that perhaps you might be counterdependent?
Here are some of the key signs to be mindful of:
Some of these traits are quite normal in moderation. From time to time, we can feel like it would be easier to finish a job independently, particularly when working with less experienced people.
However, there is great value in sharing your skills, knowledge, and passion.
It can be a healthy learning curve for everybody to have the confidence to take a step back and understand that you don’t have to shoulder the responsibility 100% of the time.
For most counterdependent people, this isn’t a sudden change or personality trait; it is a defense mechanism that can be isolating and debilitating.
If you feel like any of these statements apply to you, it is essential to seek help to avoid the risk of harming your relationships and the potential for happiness.
This might be something you can try to work on yourself, or a professional therapist may be best placed to help you.
The key is to try and identify why you have become counterdependent and to gradually make small steps to untangling your knots of anxiety and self-criticism to be able to breathe a little easier.
Other people can – and will – help if only you can let them.
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Lauren, This is a great article. At one time, I was so codependent. After so pain and all that goes with it. I finally found myself cold to those kind of relationship. Thanks, but I will stay to myself, and the me that I am. Carol. The pain and the healing are to much to endure.