One of the most uncomfortable times in your life will be when you call out a narcissist for their behavior. Be smart and careful when you do.
People with narcissistic personality disorder are some of the most difficult people to be around. When you discover their true nature, you will enjoy every moment you get away from them. When they are loved ones, this alone time may be rare. And when you call them out on their true behavior, expect harsh opposition.
Simply put, narcissistic personality types hate to be confronted with the truth. They’ve spent so much of their time hiding their identity that it’s scathing to them when the real person is revealed.
Even if this truth comes in small portions, they cannot stand to face themselves. So, several things happen when you call them out. Understanding this beforehand can keep you safe and prepared.
When you call out someone with narcissistic personality disorder, expect rage. You don’t even have to straight-up call them a narcissist, but you can say things like, “You’re a liar”, or “You gaslight people”, and this can make them angry.
If you confront them about proof of something they’re hiding, they will also rage, maybe in the form of a tantrum, and they will turn everything around on you. People who have this disorder do not like to see the truth of their negative behavior, so they get angry in response or use anger to throw you off track.
Be careful, some of them can be violent.
Narcissists are well known to use gaslighting when you confront them about their actions or toxic words. If you understand what gaslighting means, then you know what they will say. But, in case you aren’t familiar with this term, gaslighting is when someone tries to make you look crazy, or twist facts in their favor and against you.
For instance, if you remind a narcissist of something heinous that they did to hurt you, they will say,
“What? I never did anything like that. I think you’re imagining things.”
Gaslighting is a way for the narcissist to invade your thoughts and attempt to make you confused. If you call them out, they will use this for sure.
If you tell a narcissist that you know what they are, they will call YOU the narcissist. You see, most people have access to the internet, and the narcissist, believe it or not, reads about themselves.
They know the characteristics of someone with narcissistic personality disorder, so if you call them what they are, they will say you possess the traits of this disorder and so, YOU must be the real narcissist.
While you may have some of the symptoms of narcissism, as we are all located somewhere on the narcissistic spectrum, you may not have a disorder like they do, probably not. But watch out!
If you call them out, they will try to do the same thing in defense. Oh, and from my personal perspective, when you call a narcissist out, they love to say things like,
“You think you’re a saint.”
This is because, it’s unbearable for them to accept they aren’t perfect themselves, so they lash out.
When you call out a narcissistic person, they are prone to immediately find something to blame. You see, they rarely take responsibility for their own actions, and if they act badly, it must be someone else’s fault. They may say things like,
“I wouldn’t have cheated on you if you were intimate more often.”
Yes, they really do this. Or another thing they may say would be,
“I wouldn’t have been late for work if you hadn’t made me so mad that I couldn’t sleep.”
You see, nothing, and I mean nothing is ever their fault, no matter how obvious it is, and if you bring out proof, then here comes the rage.
A covert narcissist is prone to use the silent treatment when confronted. Maybe they will get angry first, deny things, or use blame-shifting, but when they see these do not work, they will go silent. This could last for hours, days, or even longer. It’s uncomfortable for some people when the narcissist does this.
So, sometimes innocent people will apologize when they’ve done nothing wrong just to get the narcissist to talk to them again. I remember going through this toxic experience when I was younger. You must be strong and expect this when you confront them.
When I read about confronting someone with narcissistic personality disorder, I feel kind of frustrated. Unlike others, confronting someone with this disorder seems like a fruitless endeavor.
If you think, however, that you can get through to someone you love that has this disorder, then try. People do have the ability to improve and change, even when it seems impossible. It’s about having hope.
But, if your relationship with a narcissist is damaging your health, either physically or mentally, then leave them alone. Calling out a narcissist is not for everyone, and not everyone with this disorder can change. That’s the saddest part.
So, I leave you with these warnings. If you call out a narcissistic person, be prepared to endure one or more of these reactions.
Be safe and stay strong.
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I had a narcissist friend from childhood. He eventually became friends with my husband after we married. Over the years, narc friend became toxic, continually angry, combative. We became aware of highly questionable behaviors towards others, and we pulled back from him. He was always at the periphery of our lives, and at times, he would engage with us, usually when he needed support of some kind. I knew that he had experienced a horrific childhood, so I put up with more of his troubling behaviors than I ever should have done. A couple of years ago, he was in a bad spot financially, and we needed someone to do a few things for us. He was qualified to do the tasks. We all came up with a price for his services, which we paid up front, before he had done anything. We paid in advance to help him out of a financial bind. Of course, we lived to regret it. After a couple of weeks of our home being filled with his simmering anger, resentment, manipulation, and nasty remarks, it all came to a final showdown. He raged at us, accused us of all sorts of crazy behaviors (equating it to his sexual abuse of his childhood), and even smeared my dead father and brother. Incidentally, my father and brother were always kind to him, my father even helped him out financially with a well-paying job. He was completely out of control during his rage, and I honestly believe that he would have become physically violent if he didn't understand that my husband would stomp his butt. He ended up leaving our home without completing his work, but we were so relieved that he was gone that we were okay with it. After a few months, we discovered a financial fraud that he had attempted against us, which could have resulted in us losing our home. I can only say that it was a miracle that the fraud was stopped, and no long term consequences for us occurred. Here is my current dilemma: when he stormed out, disappearing from our lives, he left behind two items which have a value of around a few hundred dollars. We don't know what to do with them, and we certainly don't want anything around to remind us of him, or tie ourselves to him. Some have suggested that we give them to his family members to pass on to him, but he has terrorized his family and we cannot put them in that position. One person suggested that we drop them off in his front yard, another that we give them to his landlord. Knowing him as I do, I feel he will look at any interaction with him, however far removed, as permission to re-engage, whether through face to face confrontation, or more attempted fraud. In other words, we are trying to not kick the hornet's nest. My solution is to take the items to the city dump and be done with them. I have zero intention of ever again acknowledging his presence on this earth. If I saw him face to face, I would treat him like a stranger, which of course, he is, in reality. I welcome any insights, or suggestions. Thank you.
My mother and my aunt sadly! Years of abuse and experience. They both to this day think the issue was not them. I give up with them, I just blank them out and try and keep out their way.