Has anyone ever said to you, “Oh, don’t be so sensitive” or “You’re over-reacting“? These are all examples of emotional invalidation, and while they may appear harmless enough, they can have long-lasting consequences.
Emotional invalidation is the dismissal of a person’s feelings. It is saying whatever you are feeling or thinking right now is irrelevant. Instead of accepting and understanding a person’s emotions, they are questioned, ignored, or even ridiculed.
If emotional invalidation continues regularly, and for long enough, it can lead to self-doubt, low self-esteem, and feelings of worthlessness. Research shows that daily validation confirms our understanding of the world and how we are perceiving it.
So what are the signs of emotional invalidation? They can be verbal or non-verbal.
“Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality.” Dr Anne Brown RNMS
When we are validated, we feel valued, useful, and accepted. We learn to trust our emotions, and this leads to a greater sense of self. Validation reinforces our identities. People agree with us, and this makes us feel confident in what we are expressing and subsequently experiencing.
Studies show that sharing our emotions serves as an important social service; it demonstrates our needs and wishes to others.
So when our emotions are invalidated, we feel as if we don’t matter, or that our opinions are not important. We feel as if we are not allowed to feel in a particular way. We believe that other people know better than us.
We start to question whether we have the right to feel the way we do. Perhaps we are being over-sensitive? Maybe we should learn to toughen up? We may have over-reacted and misjudged the situation.
The problem with emotional invalidation is that we eventually start to dampen down our feelings. Not only that – we begin to distrust our feelings. We must be wrong. However, distrusting your feelings can lead to several issues:
It can be difficult to insist that your feelings are valid in the face of someone determined to quash them. But there are ways to combat emotional invalidation:
Stand your ground – You have a right to feel whatever you are feeling in the moment or afterwards. Just because someone says that your feelings don’t matter, or that you are over-reacting, it doesn’t mean they have the right to make you feel differently.
After all, how can someone possibly know what you are thinking?
Speak objectively – We are more likely to experience emotional invalidation during times of stress. When explaining your feelings, be objective. State the reason why you are feeling the emotion using hard facts, not emotion. For example:
“I am upset because you forgot my birthday, and that makes me feel as if you don’t care about me.”
Set boundaries – For the sake of your mental health, you need to set clear boundaries and not get drawn into a debate about your feelings. Your feelings are not wrong, they reflect the way you perceive the situation.
It doesn’t matter whether this person agrees with you or not. What they shouldn’t do is tell you how to feel.
Move on – If someone repeatedly invalidates your emotions and you can’t get them to understand you, you’ll need to make a decision.
Typically, the closer the relationship, the more we need to be emotionally heard and validated. The person might be important to you, but if they don’t have the emotional intelligence to change, you may have to move on.
We all tend to offer advice, give judgements or filter the conversation to fit our own experiences. It takes practice to validate another person’s emotions.
Listen – If someone is upset, stop and actually listen to what they are saying. Don’t rush ahead in your own mind, trying to come up with solutions or examples. Just take in their words and really try and see their point of view.
Repeat – It’s a good idea to repeat back what the person has said so that you clearly understand why they are emotional. For example; you could say,
“You have told me that you are angry because I am late again, is that right?“
Acknowledge – Acknowledging the emotion is validating it. For instance, you could say,
“I see that you are angry with me, what can I do to make you feel better?” Or “I’m sorry that I have made you angry, I’ll try and be on time in future.“
Remember, it’s not about being right or wrong but accepting the way the other person feels.
You wouldn’t think that emotional invalidation is so important, but it is. When our emotions are not validated, we question whether we have the right to feel a certain way. We feel dismissed, unimportant and useless. Validating a person’s emotions show that you are respecting and supporting that person.
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Repeat – It’s a good idea to repeat back what the person has said so that you clearly understand why they are emotional. For example; you could say,
“You have told me that you are angry because I am late again, is that right?“
Might just be me, but if someone did that to me I would register it as condescending. If I were already leaning toward anger, this would probably send me over the tipping point. Especially if you feel you have already made it crystal clear to that person what they have done/are doing.