Partner manipulation has become pretty common. Many people have managed to get away from this sort of abusive relationship. However, manipulation is prevalent in all sorts of relationships, apart from the intimate sort. In fact, many people are reporting that family manipulation is also a problem. Mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers are all prone to become manipulative and abusive toward one another, and it can become a serious problem.
Family manipulation is mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse carried out by family members toward one another. This sort of abuse is generally used to control another for various purposes.
Having grown up with your family may make it difficult to decipher any abusive treatment. Considering the components of manipulation include “brainwashing”, it’s hard to tell if you’ve actually been mistreated at all. Sometimes, it’s not until you’ve gotten away or moved out of the home that you realize the extent of the unhealthy situation.
Here are some warning signs that family manipulation is or has been a part of your life.
You will recognize family manipulation when lies are involved. Family members, especially the narcissistic kind, will tell lies easily. When direct questions are met with vague answers, this is one indication that manipulative lies are being told.
Liars will always be able to give half-truths to convince you that they are honest and reliable people. When in truth, they are only striving for what they want. A liar will always lie and tell more lies to cover the old ones.
Even family members will resort to the silent treatment. In fact, the closer you are to someone, the more chance that their narcissistic actions will display this sort of behavior.
Silence is one of the manipulator’s choice weapons because it get’s the work done with little effort. For those who are unaware of the tactics, the silent treatment can garner pity and groveling, which is exactly what the manipulator wants. They have won.
Truly selfless people are honorable. The manipulator can fool you into thinking they are selfless as well, but they’re really not. They actually have a deeper motivation which includes rewarding themselves and making everyone else think highly of their “outward motivations” – which are false.
While people are busy being proud of the manipulator, they are also falling right into the trap and helping the manipulator win.
Dysfunctional families are notorious for gaslighting. Sometimes you might even find an entire family that constantly tries to convince each other that they are all crazy. The sheer volume of madness present in some families is almost unbelievable.
Gaslighting, in case you didn’t know, is the ability to convince another person that they are crazy while taking advantage of them. I bet you’ve seen sisters or brothers doing this to each other. Honestly, this is so common, it almost seems like a normal aspect of the family unit.
Family manipulation sometimes comes in the form of intimidation. While it might not be straightforward threats, it can still be frightening enough to make you do what the manipulators want. This is what’s called “covert” intimidation which is veiled in a form of kindness, and it is hard to decipher at times.
Pay close attention to the choice words of the manipulator, and these words will reveal true intentions.
A manipulator will use guilt trips on a regular basis. If you tell them no, they will find a way to make you feel bad about putting your foot down. Sometimes if you ask the manipulator to turn the volume down on their music, they will turn it off completely.
This tactic is used to make you feel bad about asking them to tone something down and will return by taking something away entirely. It is also done to show you they have control, and yet you should still feel guilty. It’s weird, isn’t it?
If family members are shaming your weaknesses, then they are being manipulative. For instance, if you have an insecurity about your weight, a manipulator will make shaming comments about that topic. Their intentions are to keep you beneath them in order to retain control. If they can retain control, they will feel better about themselves in turn.
After all, manipulators, truth be told, have a low self-esteem naturally, and all their tactics are used to fix that.
Let’s take this one step at a time. If you’ve always wondered whether your family was manipulators, you can use the warning signs to discover the truth.
After you know for sure, you can research ways to improve your life or get support from others. Maybe you can help your loved ones in the process. It may be a long road to healing, but its worth it.
Are you in a manipulative family? I want to hear from you.
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My parents are manipulative. They sometimes be little me, my brother, and my sister. They make me feel worthless. I want to know how to deal with that kind of behavior.
Thanks
Shatha
Hi Sherrie
Useful to read these experiences. I am recovering from what I can only describe as questioning my sanity. Twenty years ago my father passed away at the time my sibling , who has studied family dynamics, suggested a story about 'heads of family'. Not really appreciating the significance I repeated the conversation with in-laws. As a result a family member started acting up, to become the golden child. Due to their behaviour and other members, a breakdown in relationships occurred. No contact for 9 years. Same scenario has occurred again within my own immediate family, with the source of the problem being the original sibling. Have gone through family feuding on 3 occasions and have dragged our children through it too! Don't have any contact at the moment just keep our heads down and focus on our own unit. Problem is no sense of family, don't know who to trust and family members are trying to maintain contact with our children. What do we do?
I would like to talk to you. I’m in the same situation right now. Once I uncovered truths about my families past and called it out in nothing more than a kind question I got hit hard. I didn’t realize until I really started to crack what has been going on my whole life. When you wake up from the fog and see from the outside what the gaslighting has done to you it’s amazingly enlightens, I’m not crazy or depressed or ill it’s all been cognitive dissonance and they keep trying to do it. But I’m empathic and I know the truth now. That makes them scared. They have sucked my eldest daughter in and she is believing their lies. My vengeful ex is in on it too. I would like to speak to my daughter but she won’t believe me I don’t think because they and Maher father have her so brainwashed. I don’t know what to do, I’m no contact now, they have tried to reach my son. I’ve shut that down. I am strong for me and my family, but I see what this is doing to my daughter mentally just like what it did to me and I’m scared for her, they want to make me look crazy so I think I’m in a holding pattern until she breaks free.
Sounds like my live. At 43 I'm just starting to understand these behavior patterns and how I play a role. I've been trained to reacte a certain way to provide everything be else with their needs.
My family fits the bill for this. We have a parent with dementia and our nephew was appointed her care giver and after many phone calls from him stating that our father was manipulating our mother's finances to use on another young lady he had us convinced that he was the best option to be our mother's power of attorney. He has shamed us for not being there for her 24-7 he has used words such as "useless" and told me personally via a text that is what our mother has told him and how he see's it's true. We all do our best to help out I have gone above and beyond to help them with insurance and finances but that household is toxic. We are afraid for our mother but she seems to still want him to be her caregiver and POA for medical only. We fear that he will try his narcissist ways to manipulate our parents to Will their estate to him since he and his wife's family live there and our parents do not care how we feel about that. My nephews wife's family takes advantage of our parents generosity because they are elderly. My nephew is a narcissist he gets that from his father, they have no relationship. My nephew has gone so far as to say our father will be having affairs with women and catching diseases from them and has informed our mother about this and with her dementia she believes everything he tells her. It's a mess! We can't remove him as POA because our mother just loves her grandson and he's convinced her that we want to place her in a nursing home, assisted living - which she hates, so that she keeps trusting him over her own children. :(
How to deal with fiancee and older sister , both older than me.she is almost 80 years old and talks to him lies , manipulates and controls him like a little boy , and he believes her ,although sometimes I see him suspicious, she calls behind my back knows im on to her so no longer wants to speak with me and he is afraid to make her unhappy but its ok to make me unhappy. Dysfunctional family I have many years in this relationship he is now with cancer,.I feel I have no say as they want to be the boss, as they are both older than me, all goes back to their confused childhood and upbringing, Sorry to say I put up with it for the time I have invested, and try to remember him when he was more of a man to me