Partner manipulation has become pretty common. Many people have managed to get away from this sort of abusive relationship. However, manipulation is prevalent in all sorts of relationships, apart from the intimate sort. In fact, many people are reporting that family manipulation is also a problem. Mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers are all prone to become manipulative and abusive toward one another, and it can become a serious problem.
Family manipulation is mental, physical, sexual, or emotional abuse carried out by family members toward one another. This sort of abuse is generally used to control another for various purposes.
Having grown up with your family may make it difficult to decipher any abusive treatment. Considering the components of manipulation include “brainwashing”, it’s hard to tell if you’ve actually been mistreated at all. Sometimes, it’s not until you’ve gotten away or moved out of the home that you realize the extent of the unhealthy situation.
Here are some warning signs that family manipulation is or has been a part of your life.
You will recognize family manipulation when lies are involved. Family members, especially the narcissistic kind, will tell lies easily. When direct questions are met with vague answers, this is one indication that manipulative lies are being told.
Liars will always be able to give half-truths to convince you that they are honest and reliable people. When in truth, they are only striving for what they want. A liar will always lie and tell more lies to cover the old ones.
Even family members will resort to the silent treatment. In fact, the closer you are to someone, the more chance that their narcissistic actions will display this sort of behavior.
Silence is one of the manipulator’s choice weapons because it get’s the work done with little effort. For those who are unaware of the tactics, the silent treatment can garner pity and groveling, which is exactly what the manipulator wants. They have won.
Truly selfless people are honorable. The manipulator can fool you into thinking they are selfless as well, but they’re really not. They actually have a deeper motivation which includes rewarding themselves and making everyone else think highly of their “outward motivations” – which are false.
While people are busy being proud of the manipulator, they are also falling right into the trap and helping the manipulator win.
Dysfunctional families are notorious for gaslighting. Sometimes you might even find an entire family that constantly tries to convince each other that they are all crazy. The sheer volume of madness present in some families is almost unbelievable.
Gaslighting, in case you didn’t know, is the ability to convince another person that they are crazy while taking advantage of them. I bet you’ve seen sisters or brothers doing this to each other. Honestly, this is so common, it almost seems like a normal aspect of the family unit.
Family manipulation sometimes comes in the form of intimidation. While it might not be straightforward threats, it can still be frightening enough to make you do what the manipulators want. This is what’s called “covert” intimidation which is veiled in a form of kindness, and it is hard to decipher at times.
Pay close attention to the choice words of the manipulator, and these words will reveal true intentions.
A manipulator will use guilt trips on a regular basis. If you tell them no, they will find a way to make you feel bad about putting your foot down. Sometimes if you ask the manipulator to turn the volume down on their music, they will turn it off completely.
This tactic is used to make you feel bad about asking them to tone something down and will return by taking something away entirely. It is also done to show you they have control, and yet you should still feel guilty. It’s weird, isn’t it?
If family members are shaming your weaknesses, then they are being manipulative. For instance, if you have an insecurity about your weight, a manipulator will make shaming comments about that topic. Their intentions are to keep you beneath them in order to retain control. If they can retain control, they will feel better about themselves in turn.
After all, manipulators, truth be told, have a low self-esteem naturally, and all their tactics are used to fix that.
Let’s take this one step at a time. If you’ve always wondered whether your family was manipulators, you can use the warning signs to discover the truth.
After you know for sure, you can research ways to improve your life or get support from others. Maybe you can help your loved ones in the process. It may be a long road to healing, but its worth it.
Are you in a manipulative family? I want to hear from you.
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yes i am in a manipulative family. i was wondering for a right person to share my problems so that i can get a solution. plz i need ur help bcz of mental pressure i always want to suicide .
Hello Raghava,
I am terribly sorry for your situation. Manipulation is awful, and I can tell you that I have attempted suicide twice in my life and thought about it on many occasions. There is a reason, however, that I was not successful. I had a purpose. Now, when I think about killing myself, I remember the days following my attempts. After I attempted suicide, I had two more children, in whom I love so much. I went on to finish college, divorce and find someone who truly appreciated who I am, and watched my oldest son go off to college. If I had died that day or the day following, I would never have seen or experienced these things. So, when I think about it now, I always think about the things that tomorrow may hold. If I am dead, something miraculous or truly amazing could happen the next day, and I would have missed it. Also, if I am dead, I dont' get another chance to try and fight for a better life. And yes, I felt like nothing would get better for me in those times, I was abused and trampled on daily. When I decided to keep going, I popened up those possibilites and many of them came true. Please, always think about what might be, tomorrow, next week, next year~ If there is not purpose but this, keep this near to your heart and never give up.
Wow, This is my husbands ex. Yes, she made my life a living hell until she succeeded in ruining my marriage through her children and my husband by using all of these tactics. She made me physically ill. These people are relentless. They are ruthless and stop at nothing until they destroy everyone in their family and in their path. The people she manipulates are weak and clueless. Why do people need to be this way? .
I was raised by a narcissistic mom, but didn't know it until I was in my 40s when I had myself evaluated. Every single relationship romantically ended up being just as toxic because I didn't no to set boundaries and I was just so used to people treating me like that it's like I didn't know any different. I cried having to leave so many romantic partners. I fell in love with them and then had to leave them still in love with them heartbroken. I finally stopped dating at around age 45. Seriously anyway.
I had one guy lingering around for about 10 years, but he lived two hours away and I didn't see him much. He was more annoying and another dead end so I let him go. It was easy because I wasn't in love with him anymore. I actually knew that one would never go anywhere from like the first year but he wasn't around all the time like I said so I guess I figured what the heck why not. I think I just gave up expecting anything.
Right in the middle of kind of shuffling that guy, my biological father decides to pop in when I'm age 50. Him and my mom separated when I was still, I think in kindergarten and Dad stayed out of state, but he helped my mom move back to the state, her family was in with us kids. My dad later found a new girlfriend and eventually got married, but they just kept moving further away keeping phone contact with us kids. I had a handful of visits my entire life. Every visit would be stepmom can't handle the kids, but would be stuck with us all day while Dad worked. She would lock us outside in the scorching heat temperatures of North Carolina until just before Dad would walk in the door. Pretty much now that I'm older. I realize my stepmom left her kid in Germany and my dad fled so he can't really expect much from them too. At the age 50 I was fine with not having my dad around. His wife dies and he decides he's gonna come back to Minnesota to his kids. In his stories, he slips and tells me how he kept telling his wife. They needed to get back to us kids because they're getting older now. Yeah he needs caretakers and that's the only reason why he came back. Too bad it's not going so well for him. I knew I wasn't gonna want him to come back here and I was dreading him doing that. His wife died right before he laughed, and sadly I'm thankful because she's a nightmare and was never a good stepmom. We were always her problem. Anyway, Dad's popped back in right and he's trying to talk to a 50-year-old woman (me) like she is dumb as shit! Apparently, he thought I was gonna follow along with all his visions on the story of our history. He was gonna pat himself on the back about how he raised his kids right in front of me when I know dang well he had no part in it. I have an older brother that's an alcoholic and a younger brother that's out in the street shooting heroin and now my biological father is here shaking his head, wondering why his kids are all jacked up. Funny how he doesn't understand what happened. He knows he loved us with the narcissistic mom. He's seriously giving me the crazy eyes confused what happened with his children and why they are out on the streets and I'm sitting here struggling as a single mom. Well let's just say this left a bad taste in my mouth right away. I'm a single mom and my son's dad didn't want anything to do with him so I raised my boy from day one all on my own and I would never ever ever even think about ditching my kid that's how much I love my child and care about his mental stability. See the difference? So yeah, that's jackass. Isn't gonna come to my house pretending like he did all his stuff to raise his kids and had no part of any of us being jacked up. What a clueless loser and I'm not impressed at all. I actually wish he would find a new girlfriend and run away again.
Originally, he was going to move closer to his kids, but he chose a property two hours away. Now he's giving me those same crazy eyes, wondering why his living pay paycheck to paycheck daughter can't run to spend time with him at his great property. Well for one the guy doesn't shut up for a second, he has these weird ass trigger problems, and gets pissy about. Who knows what during conversations. In the last two years every single time he comes to my house, he runs out of cigarettes. This guy is so delusional actually it's manipulative that he will literally tell me he doesn't understand or he's not a cigarettes. He always thinks he gets enough yet. He always runs out. He does it intentionally because I roll my own cigarettes and he allows me. I'm so lucky, to roll his cigarettes for him when he runs out and he'll just smoke mine. He knows I'm broke his shit but he pulls this little trick every single time he's here. Then wants to talk to me like wow why is this always happened? I don't know because you're stupid! You do it on purpose! This is your stingy way of thinking because I don't know my guess is you paid for the gas to get here so I have to pitch in some thing so it might as well be your cigarettes that way you would still get to win somehow. That's exactly how he acts. Unless he's just senile, which totally could be. All I know is it's annoying. I think he does it on purpose because this is other stuff he does to me.
Actually, the last time I woke up in the morning and he's sitting at my table and right away, swinging his arms telling me how these nasty cigarettes taste. He's irritable as hell because I left him some cigar type cigarettes on the counter. He didn't come out and say that's what was pissing him off, but he knew I had regular tobacco in my bedroom. This is why the guy going off. How dare I leave him shitty cigarettes. Funny how when I rolled one for him all of a sudden he had a smile on his face. Clearly man manipulation tactics bullshit in my house. Can you believe it? I'm just floored. He thinks he's gonna continue to get away with this kind of behavior.
I went off on him twice already, but he pretends like he didn't hear any of it and believe me he comes back ass, kissing. The first time I chewed him out, he stuck up for the wife and I told the guy he could go back to whatever fucking shit we're old. He lived in cause I didn't want him there. He had me so mad!
I've been just dealing with this crap for the last couple years trying to just make it work. What I can't handle is the guy does not shut up for two seconds and you hear the same exact stories you heard it every time he visits like he can't remember he's repeating himself and it's just devastating to me when I know he's coming because I know I'm looking forward to this kind of crap. He gets a little weird about us just sitting at the table visiting, so I tried to break it up this last time and make soap. Come on let's make some soap. This will give us something to do and we're not just sitting at the table right trying to break up the madness. What does he do? Now he's pissy cause we're gonna make soap and he's shaking his eyeballs like oh. He seen me make a few loaves on the Internet and must think I'm getting a little crazy with this idea. Screw you buddy. I'll get crazy with the idea if I want to I'm 50 years old and you're not gonna tell me what my hobbies are and roll your fucking eyeballs cause I'm gonna stick my foot right between the two you keep doing that.
The end of my story here cause I'm not gonna keep carrying it on is this Dad's annoying and so is my mom and they're both elderly right now and playing needy as hell.
Mom's manipulation has her now on her ass having a back surgeries and stuff, but I'm the only one showing up but really I don't feel like showing up. I'll just do it because I'm a human who has a heart, but I know way think she deserves my attention. She just gets the attention because I'm a human who actually believes that mother and daughter should have a different relationship and I'm doing this to respect myself not her. If I had a daughter, I wouldn't be trying to manipulate her and make her feel like crap for every confidence she has so me and this lady don't get along all the time. Most times I just shut my mouth because she's my mom and I'm stuck with her..
My dad's about ready to get ditched altogether because you know what I was fine without him my whole life. I'm not gonna have an older man. I barely know walking into my house with whatever pissy attitude. He feels like having sporadically in my home, making me uncomfortable in my own home. I don't confront every single time because that would just be a shit show every single time visits. I've been trying to make it work, but I'm getting sick of doing that. I don't owe that man anything!
Bad enough I'm dealing with my mom, but I'm only dealing with her because she did stick around and raise me. I have compassion for her fuck ups. At least she stayed. She wasn't taught right by her parents so yeah she fucked up pretty good with us kids. I think she regrets it, but she's too stuck in her mental fucked up bullshit from her childhood and my dad leaving her with a bunch of kids and she just has never gonna change. It is what it is.
I'm an adult and as you can see, I struggle a lot with this, but I guarantee you why I hung up every bit of these two tearing down my confidence. They lose! They were shit parents! They do have me all jacked up, but I'm surviving and I will continue to plow down anything in my way. They gave me determination so how can I not be thankful? They gave me complete independence. How can I not be thankful?
They taught me how not to act like an asshole parent and I've done much better with mine so how can I not be thankful?
I will do all this all over again to be where I'm at today but I'm telling you right now those two are walking on thin ice just telling the world right now. I'm getting really sick of these old people shit! I'm old people now and I'm freaking too old for this crap!
I just come to these places to keep getting me through. I talk it out. I won't be giving up on my end not on myself for my kid. I'm allowed to give up on those two because they gave up on me. If they end up in the dust, that's their own problem. They need to start thinking real hard. What they want. Is this old geezer last moments because they might just be alone. I'm watching the good Lord hand them their ass right now. Karma will come back and it did.
I'm gonna go make a batch of soap and I'm gonna name this one dumb daddy let's see how he likes that one. Lmao I'm just kidding, but I am gonna go make more soap.
Just so everybody knows out there if you're struggling with these kinds of families, you can make it like I did. They don't have to define you and they don't. Take your life back and put them people in their place. Let them know you're onto their ridiculousness and just let them know it's not acceptable. When they act up, leave them in the dust and shut the mute button off until they can be behave. Get rid of them all together if they're that bad. They don't respect you you don't have to respect them.
Just because they birthed you or donated sperm for you doesn't give them the license to treat you like crap. If they don't respect you ditch them. Or hang on and buckle up because you're going for a ride.
I became a hvac journeyman, even though nobody paid attention to my education and I failed everything. I had to prove to myself and I did. I started training the guys.
I was a cosmetologist for a while until I found out. I'm too rough edged for the girls and that's OK.
I went for RV technician for four years.
Now I'm a fabricator learning how to weld doing commercial HVAC rooftop curbs.
How many mamas you know doing that? That's how I built my confidence. I ran straight into brick walls because believe me learning this stuff was not a cakewalk. I had to deal with men treating me like crap.(not all of them somewhere very eager to learn from me)
You can succeed and give yourself confidence that your parents didn't give you. Go kick this world's ass and take names later!❤️
Absolutely brilliant everything you described is happenig to me now at age 44. Ive recognised for some time covert narcissist traits in my mother and her abandonment/rejection issues have been projected onto me recently. She will go to arms lengths to 'act' a helpless frail sick role to keep me from leaving the family home which was only ever meant to be temporary after a relationship parting and redundancy which meant I relocated back to the North. Eight years later i am still here after complying to her needs to nstay. Aproximately 4 yeasr ago I met the love of my life and we embarked on a love affair with plans to cohabit which have been sneakily sabatoged. I have been subject to a ruthless smear campaign as well as blatantly bullied by other much younger family members recruited unaware by myself as flying monkeys. In addition I have had my human rights violated and my motor vehicles vandalised as well as items stolen from me. I am not budging my boundaries are clear and I will not submit to expectations inflicted on me that I have not agreed nor negotiated. The bigggest mistake in this from my mother is that I dont reuire validation or approval from her or others and as she cant manipulate nor bully me into co-operating she is becoming more and more disturbing in her behaviour. Its true what they say an educated empath is a narcissists nightmare and when I leave to my new abode I wont look back but wave and smile. This article has come at a timely moment for me which I believe to be a synchronicity and I thank you for reinforcing my strength and courage to continue to live the life that I so choose. Cheers
It is difficult leaving a narcissist. In many ways, you feel responsible for their wellbeing. Considering you know the truth about them, this makes it hard to leave them to their own devices. You actually fear that they will harm themselves or someone else. When you get to the point where you realize your self-worth you will also feel so sorry for them. It's a tragic relationship. When it comes to someone like a mother, this is so much more difficult. You have to find a balance when it comes to blood family, where you can still check in but not feel obligated to be at their beckoning call.
I wish you the best, Leonie.
Thank you so much for this article. I have a manipulative family member and it has caused me a lot of pain over the years. We were very close as children, but for as long as I can remember she’d ask me for favors and have me doing things for her without ANY show of appreciation or gratitude. It was an expectation. Like I owed it to her. No matter what I did I always felt like I wasn’t doing ENOUGH. I was never up to par. I always found myself doing things I didn’t want to do. She often used guilt trips. Always subtle and passive aggressive. After a while I began to distance myself from her because of it. I dreaded calls from her because it was always asking me to do things for her. I felt so guilty for not wanting to be close to her but the relationship only drained me. This made her worse. When I see her at family functions she will often give me the cold shoulder. It’s very hurtful and often makes me sick to my stomach. For a long time I blamed myself, thinking it must be me. After a while I began to think maybe it’s not me. Maybe I don’t owe her anything. Maybe it’s not my job to please her. I just have to learn to be okay with that. I’ve always been a people pleaser and she took advantage of that. I have another family function coming up where I’m sure I’ll get the cold shoulder. I don’t want to give up the rest of my family so I just want to learn to detach from her and know I’m okay the way I am, even if she doesn’t accept me that way. So I really appreciate this article. Again, thank you!
Carly,
You are doing the right thing, as difficult as it may seem. Warning: Her next move may be to slander your name. I just wanted to forwarn you so that it wasn't surprising when it happened. Most of the time when narcissists cannot get their way, they will talk bad about you to others. It is the only way they can fight back. It's all a game to them. Just keep being kind and keep your boundaries as you want.
I am not going to say that my parents manipulate me. They really do not. But, it always seems that one or both of them try to scheme or come up with an excuse whenever I prepare for a trip overseas or somewhere like Las Vegas. I guess that they are more scared than I am. I however am a 32 year old man who can do and go wherever I am.
Parents give birth to their children. Parents also raise their children properly (while some parents abuse or neglect their children). However, parents need to realize that they do not control or own their children. Children have their own minds, feelings, desires, needs, etc. So, I as an adult child have a right to go after what I want or need.
I am tired of doing what parents want or doing what I have to do. That is why I sometimes feel like I am half my age.
Hi, Emack. I totally agree with you on this. I have an aunt who is manipulative. You want to know how someone like her can be manipulative? I have a cousin (her son) who left home for college. My aunt just couldn't STAND her baby being away from her, so she actually recruited my dad (her brother) to try to talk my cousin into coming back home. Thankfully, he said "no" and stayed where he was. Another time, when my mom told her that I was going to Rio de Janeiro for a destination wedding, she (the aunt) said, "You're letting her go?" Keep in mind, I was 37 YEARS OLD, old enough to plan a trip, save money for it, get a passport, and JUST GO. I still went anyway and had a FABULOUS time. (I didn't find out about this, however, until after I came back.) And of course, she just HAD to put in her (negative) 2 cents' worth when my brother grew a beard and mustache, which he likes having; that's why he grew them in the first place. But her propensity for manipulation didn't start just then; it started before I was even born. Back in the 60s, when my dad was in the National Guard, he had the opportunity to go to OCS. But my aunt, ever the "concerned," dutiful, (over)protective sister, talked my dad out of going, citing my grandmother's heart condition. Guess what? He didn't go.
Because of her behavior, I no longer talk to her. I want nothing to do with a manipulative, selfish person like that. I'm so glad she's not my mom. God knows how much worse I'd be if I was.
My aunt was so manipulated by her parents that she let her boyfriend move away because her parents said they needed her to take care of them. My aunt was in her twenties, lived alone and was in love. Her boyfriend had to move a long distance and asked her to go. Everything worked out: her job etc, but her parents made her feel guilty. She died a couple years ago...never married, no children. :( I once caught her running her finger over a photo of the one who got away...she never forgot him, and I sometimes wonder if she was bitter with her parents.
Yes. I'm not really sure but I think I am. There was one event my mom did something and I was angry. I can't remember what she did but what she did after shocked me. When my dad came home and he asked who did it, she said it was me and then I had my dad and mom scream at me for something I didn't even do. Then a few years after that, I came back from school and was cooking non-stop cuz my dad goes to work and takes food with him. My three brothers were being bothers and so I kept getting stressed. My mother got back home and saw the house a mess. It was my brothers fault. She didn't go "oh my god you helped me cm thanks don't worry I'll tell your brothers to arrange it cuz it's their fault". She kept yelling at me and I just did what she wanted me to do as usual and then she pointed out another error and while I was doing it, she repeated it again and I just snapped and said I get it I'll do it. She then said I was shouting at her and hit my neck and was going on and on about During her time she couldn't even speak to her mom. She then proceeded to ignore me for a week and said I should apologize first. And I decided to. She then said she wants it in a letter because then she can use it to show me whenever I disobey. And the worst part about her is that she's oh so sexist. She has that girls should be soft and pretty and not make noise and they belong in the kitchen. She's fine that so often that one of my yonder brothers once went aren't you supposed to be in the kitchen. I just hate it. I feel like running away so bad
Emack,
It's okay and you are right. I tried this with my son a few years ago when he wanted to go see a girl in Texas. I grew angry and told him that he wasn't going. Well, he said this: "I didn't tell you because I was asking...I told you so that you would know where I was."
Of course, I was angry when he said this as well. But over time, I have come to realize that I can no longer tell him where to go or what to do. All I can do is be a positive influence and let him learn. Just have mercy on your parents, Emack. Their hearts are just breaking because you're no longer their baby. lol
THIS CAME INTO MY MAILBOX AT THE PERFECT TIME...JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH DAUGHTER AND WE BOTH APOLOGIZED TO EACH OTHER FOR YESTERDAYS BEHAVIOR...MAYBE WE'RE LEARNING...THIS IS VERY INSIGHTFUL...THANK YOU
Thank you for reading, Christine