What makes women with INTP type so rare? Probably, a set of unusual personality traits and quirks, most of which are not typical of women. If you ever happen to meet an INTP female, you’d better forget about gender stereotypes as she will be nothing like the society’s image of how a woman should be.
Here are some of the quirky traits and perceptions which will only ring true for a woman with INTP personality type:
Most women follow certain self-care and beauty routines every day to look more attractive. Washing your hair, doing some hair styling and applying makeup are sacred rituals for any woman. However, an INTP female may find it difficult to stick with these daily self-care activities. I’m not saying that we shower once a month or never make up our face – we are just not so concerned with our physical appearance.
INTPs, both men and women, tend to be more focused on the things which are beyond the material side of existence. For this reason, it just doesn’t make sense for us to spend hours of our time for the sake of looking better. We’d better read an interesting book or immerse in an inner dialogue on a meaningful topic.
Some men think that all women enjoy things like shopping, manicure and reading fashion magazines. Well, it’s certainly not the case with female INTPs. We are just not interested in this stuff and are bored to spend our time and energy on it, for the reasons described in the previous point. This also makes it difficult for us to relate to other women, especially those who love talking about nails, celebrities and clothes.
But it’s not only about interests – we struggle to make friends with other women simply because our way of thinking is different. Sometimes it feels that we can easier relate to men than to women because we highly rely on logical thinking (IN(T)P stands for thinking). So all those jokes about the “women’s logic” are certainly not about female INTPs.
Housekeeping and cooking are certainly not our cup of tea, which is another way an INTP female breaks gender stereotypes. INTP is an example of chaotic mind, so anything that has to do with putting things into order is not our thing. So if you are a man who seeks a perfect housewife who will cook and clean, be sure that a relationship with an INTP female is not going to work.
This is mainly caused by the traits discussed in the first point – anything about the material side of life is not of great interest for INTPs. As long as we have something great to occupy our mind with, we just don’t notice that mess in the room and it doesn’t bother us at all.
Another reason why women with INTP personality are such bad housewives is that we are incredibly impractical. According to the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator, there are sensing and intuitive types. The first ones have pretty good practical skills while the latter ones (I(N)TP stands for intuition) are better at working with theoretical concepts.
This basically means that we would find it easier to solve a mathematical equation (if we are math geeks, of course) than to choose the right fabric softener for our washing machine. Sometimes, these kinds of mundane tasks make us feel completely incapable and helpless.
This lack of practical thinking also influences our ability to engage in social interaction. INTPs are some of the most socially awkward and quirky personalities who seem to lack any social skills.
It doesn’t mean that we hate people and don’t like to be involved in an interesting discussion though. We just don’t do well with superficial connections which are based solely on the social obligation. And we absolutely can’t stand small talk.
That’s why an INTP female may be perceived as arrogant or weird by the people she doesn’t feel connected to.
Most women adore flowers, cute gifts and other expressions of love in its romantic sense. But not the INTP ones. We tend to look for the essence of things, so more superficial expressions of affection like giving teddy bears or calling sweet names don’t touch us.
What really touches us though is to feel understood and appreciated for our personality and intellect. For an INTP female, there is nothing better than to have a deep conversation about meaningful things with her significant other.
Independence in any sphere of life is one of the highest priorities for an INTP. For this reason, people with this personality type rarely work in office jobs or public/military service. So it’s highly unlikely to see an INTP female working as a personal assistant or a client manager.
The same is true for relationships – an INTP needs healthy boundaries and a certain degree of freedom. This personality type also tends to be highly reserved (INTP stands for introversion), so we need pretty much time to stay alone with our thoughts.
That’s why an INTP female will never tolerate possessive behaviors in a relationship. She’d better be alone than with a man who tells her what to do or where to or not to go.
Since this personality type tends to highly rely on independence and needs a personal space, starting a family can be a great challenge for an INTP female. Even if we are lucky to have a great man in our life, the idea of having children really frightens us. Because in this case, we will have to sacrifice so many things that are essential for us – privacy, alone time, personal freedom. And we will also have to face so many mundane problems which accompany the upbringing of kids.
The truth is that INTPs rarely make great parents because we fail to devote ourselves to our children as well as give them the necessary emotional support. So an INTP female is very likely to have fears and doubts about her ability to become a good mother.
As you see from the above, women with INTP personality type bash so many gender stereotypes about how a woman should be, think and behave. We certainly don’t look like the image of a perfect woman the society wants us to strive for.
Do you know anyone with these characteristics or are you an INTP female yourself? If you are unsure, you can check out the detailed description of the Myers-Briggs personality types to find out which type resonates with you most of all.
Please feel free to share your experiences in the comments below.
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Not sure about those traits, every test I do comes up as INTP and I fully identify with the INTP description, also reflected in my career path. However, I love clothes and shoes (although I tend to favour minimalistic fashion without bows or sparkles) and I do care a great deal about looks (I hate having a bad hair day or putting on weight). Having said that, I try to keep my beauty routine to the bare minimum to look decent, so I have time available to do more "interesting" things. I also like to live in a nice, clean and cosy house, although I do hate the work that goes into maintaining that. Also, cooking does not have to be a regular housework chore if you take a more scientific approach where you analyze the results of your cooking and baking. Regarding being a rubbish mother, yes and no, it is true that I was hopeless with my baby, never knew when it was time to put him to sleep, I did not succeed at giving him a dummy and did not have a clue how to start potty training, let alone that I was always desperate to find some space and time... However, now that my "baby" is bigger, I play with him in a way that many "non-INTPs" women probably would not, i.e., we build planes, trains and garbage bins out of paper and cardboard boxes, build tunnels and towers with other stuff, etc. It helps that he is a boy, though, I would not know what to do with a doll...
While I initially tested INXJ at 15, I identify as an INTP. I think this piece got INTP women basically right, but I disagree about the math/fabric softener thing. I am terrible at math (which seems to me to be a subject that Sensors do well in actually). Also, there is so much more to "Sensing" than being a domestic goddess or whatever. I have no problem choosing laundry products. On the other hand, I have a terrible sense of direction. Also, oh yeah, most Sensors find me strange and possibly kind of stupid. I tend to cause more problems than I solve. In fact this has been especially apparent to me the past month or so, as I have been setting up an estate sale and the work has been almost laughably slow-going for me. The difference between my helper (a strong Sensor) and me, when it comes to cleaning, organizing, and generally not messing things up further or breaking things, is very apparent.
I have a kind of on-again/off-again relationship with cosmetics (mostly off). I wore make-up every day in high school but I haven't worn it much as an adult. I actually sold Estee Lauder products for three years behind a cosmetics counter at the mall. I was bored stiff and hated that I had to work with and for women all day, but I never really developed an interest in anything practical, so I have been stuck with jobs like that my whole life.
I have tested as INTP :)
I completely identify with numbers 1, 2, 5, & 6.
My responses to the rest:
#3 - I function at a high level of organization with life ... not objects. The basics of a housewife is multitasking and orchestrating life. I'm pretty dang good at that. I can make decisions on mundane and practical things, sometimes I enjoy it, sometimes not.
#4 - I half identify with this. I am AMAZING at reading and navigating social situations and people, I just don't really like people so I don't care to use that skill all the time. Being social is so exhausting. I definitely do not enjoy 'small talk', but I do actually care how people are feeling. I usually turn 'small talk' into 'deep discussion' when used on me though lol
#7 - I think it's not fair to say they just worry about being a good parent. I think it goes 50/50 with those that worry and those that don't want kids. I don't want kids, not because I worry but because of other reasons that are logical to me.
Though, to be fair, I had a significant mental break in my mid 20's that turned my personality to almost a complete 180. I believe most of my interpersonal skills were because of who I was before, as well as whom I was groomed to be (raised by an extrovert).
In hindsight, I had many introverted traits and could have flourished if embraced. I usually say that I'm an introvert that was raised to be an extrovert.
I am 55, a student of psychology and sociology as well as the study of human and natural law. I have tested numerous times over the years as INTP. We are wondrous and complex creatures. We are uniquely shaped by our nature as well as the nurture, good and bad, experienced as children. Some of us will identify with the blanket statements above but, of course, some of us will not. I don't take it personally because no one person, I've ever encountered, has ever really truly "gotten" me. When I was younger I found that difficult to deal with but these days, I'm more ok with it.
This was interesting. My thoughts (caveat, it's long because this lacked a lot of nuance imo):
1. We don’t care about looks as much as most women do.
Do you look like a slob everyday or something? INTPs can be incredibly self-conscious, myself included. I care about I look, I don't enjoy the process of maintenance and will try to find a way to exert the least amount of effort to look the sh*t and stunt on em lol. I hated sitting in the beauty shop for ours to get my hair down, so naturally looking hair pieces was a gawdsend and allowed me to change my hair for any mood I was in. I love cute clothes. I hate being in the mall shopping and trying clothes on bc I get bored super easy. If I cant find what I want relatively quickly I get antsy. Shopping with GFs can be torture but I stick it out to spend time with them occasionally, however online shopping is my preferred. I will get my nails done for an event, arch or tint my brows, etc. to again look damn good, but if I can find a shortcut to do any of it, I'm going to do it. So I care about looks, I just don't enjoy the maintenance process.
2. We don’t like girly stuff and we struggle to make friends with other women
As mentioned above, I also don't enjoy shopping at length, but additionally my attention span is short. If I can do it quickly and efficiently I can do it and I'm fine. I tend to look on sites in advance so I know what I am looking for ahead of time (Pinterest is the sh*t). The only exception to this is home decor and tech stores. But that's surroundings stuff, and not my body which INTPs would probably lose if not attached to our head sometimes.
I don't hate fashion magazines and will flip through them but I don't actively subscribe nor will I rush to talk about the new looks dropping. I like looking good, I don't care about fashion trends and will put old & new together and look damn good doing so, that is of course when I've decided to leave my house. Heck, I have two full Pinterest boards for streetwear and styling suggestions, both organized by different looks.
I'm kind of tired of this 'relating' to women trope. We aren't one dimensional. Just bc INTP women are drawn to less conventional things and don't have an affinity for contrivances, it does not restrict our ability to 'relate' to women. In my youth I didn't have an outlet for some of my more obsure interests with either gender, and even if I did with men, preferred it at a distance for the most part.
Social networking, not being constricted by teenagedom, etc. has damn near killed that narrative so I have a hard time understanding an adult struggling with this. I don't struggle with finding connections with depth at all. I have a tribe and I have long distance friendships. Some of my local friends LOVE doing the stuff I'd rather AND for fun, but we have AMAZING conversations because INTPs more so need depth, variety, and people who'll take an interest, not a bunch that like to do exactly what we like to do...sounds boring.
Re: men. Haha. I said that stuff in my teens and 20s too about it being easier to relate to them. The idea that I think/process similarly to 'men' is enough to make me gag and I have found that to be largely untrue. This whole 'logical' sex thing is hilarious because what lol? I struggle to relate to men because of their ego which reaaaaallly inhibits their objectivity and also it's fcuking annoying. But I guess. Maybe in your case.
3. We are really terrible housewives
Ok, this I can agree on this somewhat. I have never liked housekeeping but the way my ADHD is set up, I can only go so long without tending to it because I don't like chaos. If I could hire and afford a guy to manage all my daily so I can spending all my time thinking, conceptualizing, and creating I would do it. Either way, I'll still notice mess and won't like it cause I'm also visually stimulated, not just philosophically, so I care about aesthetics, like aesthetics, will pay for good aesthetics if affordable, and whenever I find less intensive and time consuming ways to get there, in there like swimwear.
4. We are useless at social relations
I hate small talk with every fibre of my being (screams internally). But, I am not useless at social interactions. INTPs come in four subtypes. I'm an INFJ subtype, the Observer. I know ENFP and ENTJ subtypes. We all shift and operate based on the environments that shape us and the need to apply the most logical/rational action to a given situation. But without even getting into the subtype discussion, INTPs still can mirror like second skin to maintain our equilibrium.
As I have gotten older, I've become more savvy at veering conversations to more compelling small talk topics that make it more tolerable so nah, we aren't useless and being quirky doesn't mean we lack social graces. We're just not invested in them.
5. Lovey-dovey stuff is not for us
Yes, we need to feel understood, we need to be appreciated for who we are. We care about meaningfulness and mindfulness and we simply aren't driven to sentimentality just because cute or performative action in the moment. HOWEVER, if those two M's exist in the lovey dovey stuff, in my case anyway, it will resonate. Gifts rank pretty low for me but when they are incredibly thoughtful and in line with who I am, I'm touched.
But gifts aren't just about us in a healthy relationship. If a bf picked up flowers for me randomly because he thought about me while he was grocery shopping and it brought a smile to his face, that will stay with me fondly and for a while as opposed to a bf buying flowers for Valentines day or something. That random thought in the grocery store that led him to the floral section because I made him smile, and it meant something to him to show me that I'm meaningful to him for him to do something about it. Or the seemingly out of the blue "baby I just love being around you, you make me laugh." Girl bye, INTPs like that sh*t lol. INTPs see things deeply, need meaning, but INTP also sees things from multiple angles (not just our own), so coupled with our strong cognitive empathy etc. we would/should be conscious of our partners love languages cause sometimes the gift or show of affection is their form of communicating about you, but independent, in and of itself, of you.
6. We highly value independence and healthy boundaries
I agree with this, but unsure INTPs come out the womb knowing how to navigate this. Sure we value it, but in my case, it took time to learn how to communicate that and draw them.
I don't like emotional manipulation or controlling/possessive behavior and a quiet rebel was always in my DNA, but the naive INTP of 10-15 years ago sure as sh*t had to grow into the woman today who yes, I'd rather be alone than in a toxic relationship, but let's admit weren't Joan of Arc about our entire existence at age 9 and 3/4.
7. We struggle with starting a family
Lol. We have qualities that can make it a struggle but I don't know if this perception is colored by INTP descriptions being incredibly gendered and your anecdotal experiences but this reads narrow. INTPs can be impractical, very indepedent, needs space etc. but if we are healthy, resourceful, and intentional with our partners, we can make excellent parents. I don't know where you got that INTPs rarely make great parents, because I read they may make some of the best parents because of our incredible patience. Sure we have a low tolerance for stupidity and irrational behavior, but because the INTP road tends to be difficult, we are very conscious of unfairness and innocence. I know many of us decide we don't want to treat people the way we felt unless it's with good reason meaning we won't start sh*t but we'll finish it.
For those of us that want kids, sure we fear it, big responsibility, and we also question our ability, but I don't really think it's just because motherhood is tough, I think INTPs although confident in what we are confident about, we can have incredible self- doubt, a big part of why we procratinate. We don't have the luxury that INTP men do when it comes with having a child because we are the ones stuck with gestating a gut full of human. I have a hard time believing an INTP woman would make the decision lightly. INTP parenting skews to fathers bc majority. There isn't enough content about previous generations of INTP women bc one rare, two who knows if the populations conformed for their survival so likely tainted even if there was. For all we know more INTP woman are popping up now more because a shift in the design makes it more feasible to live amongst these mortals lol.
INTPs are more prone to philosophizing and being in our heads, so when we vent, we're just getting it out, not really looking for a way out. So when I read experiences from INTP moms, I think they are just releasing. I fear failure, but I have never regretted something I intentionally made a decision to try even if it didn't work out. Unless regrets from intentional decisions we thought about 7 ways from Sunday is a new thing for us, I have a hard time thinking an INTP mom, unless unhealthy, had a kid, would struggle with showing how devoted they are to their children because they would have thought it to death lol. So I'm again wondering is this colored by some review of INTP dads parenting and/or INTP moms venting in the moment.
Until INTP moms kids grow up to join MBTI forums, I'm going to have to trust that if I make the intentional decision to carry some bigheaded man's child in my womb for 10 months, lose sleep (my favorite), get fat (not so favorite), give up my space, I did it because I am 100% committed to my decision.
Sorry about the typos. I typed this out on my phone and didn't double check the predicative text before emailing to myself. It is what it is.
Hi Kems, you understand being an INTP far better than the author of this article. I related to nearly everything you wrote. I've preferred women friends ever since boys started pushing me down in 1st grade. As I got older its rare they can actually be just friends. My closest friends are usually very smart. I was raised by two parents that highly valued outer appearance so it matters to me, but I also try to minimize amount of time/$ spent on it. I love shopping at consignment stores and enjoy clothes too. Most antithetical to this article is I'm a pediatric home health nurse, a typical woman's career. It actually works because I love being independent, not dealing with workplace politics, and develop meaningful one-on-one relationships with my little patients and families. It takes significant effort to not live in my head and be engaged with my patients through the day. I'm back in school though because I want a change and more $$ to buy a home and possibly adopt an older child if I don't marry.
I'm a 27 year old INTP woman. I think this article was kind of right but the essence of the underlying motives was not painted very well. I'll comment my opinion on the subjects:
1. We don’t care about looks as much as most women do
The older I get the less I care. My biggest problem is that I want to look nice but I can't seem to get myself to follow regular patterns to maintain or be consistent. It doesn't help that I am always very busy because I work a full-time job (biomedical engineer working as a mechanical engineer) that is demanding and I always have personal side projects and online classes I'm trying to keep up with. Time management is also not a strong-suite of mine- i'm notoriously running behind, at all times. I lack a concept of time, it's probably my biggest frustration with myself and I'm constantly trying to improve. My looks are one of the first things that I'll deem "not as important" when I feel my time is being compromised. I force myself to completely get ready (shower, shave, make-up, hair, outfit I think is flattering) at least once a week because it makes me feel better and helps with my confidence. I have always been almost envious by the time men save because they don't have to maintain the same level beauty routine to look nice. And no - I honestly don't think I want to look nice because of societal pressure per-se... I can be self conscious but not exclusively about my looks.. it's mainly because I enjoy my femininity and like the way it makes me feel. Though, I keep myself somewhat presentable in public on my off days because of societal expectations.. to blend and stay under the radar. I honestly think the formalities of dressing up and stuff are dumb but I like to every once in awhile none-the-less. So yes, I agree with this one.
2. We don’t like girly stuff and we struggle to make friends with other women
I don't think I struggle to make girl friends because I don't like "girly" things. I think it is because I don't think the same way as most woman in general and although I may share more cognitive functions with the majority of men, it doesn't mean I can relate with them either. I find it difficult to try and communicate with people who do not use logic in their decisions or their basic morals and beliefs and/or people that are closed off to new information, man or woman. They are too rigid and/or too driven by emotion/ego. I rather distance myself from those people because they are not stimulating and can draw a lot of energy. I find this in most extroverted personality types that are not *NT*, which happens to be a lot of women. I like some "girly" things but I also have many other interests. I have never understood why people think that interests are gender related (read more about my childhood, if you please, in the little section I put below this paragraph). The truth of it is, I relate with a very limited amount of all people. I do not enjoy people completely driven by ego, who can not try to see things without bias, have shallow interests, have no depth, limit themselves, are scared of everything, and that are their way or the highway. A lot of people possess at least ONE of those... It's not that I won't talk or deal with them but I don't enjoy them enough for them to ever be "my people." I don't try to exclude or be mean to those people but I do not gravitate to them and they will not open up the side of me that is full of wonder.. the "childlike" side of my INTP self. I think it is safe to say that I'm just not a people person, but that doesn't mean I don't know how to socialize or to adapt to what I need to be (I can actually be very charming and get a rooms attention with little effort).. I just don't enjoy it and if you catch me in a introspective or blah mood I won't sugar coat my social interactions with niceties - offending the feelers and sensors when I really don't mean anything by it. BUT I will admit that most (not all) of my deeper connections have been with men... but I think it's because men and women naturally make a puzzle piece duo... something about the energy and no need to have ego because there's no reason to compete with each other. BTW I am not really competitive against people (just myself) and have zero interest in social games. So.. I think this topic just has many factors but I agree. I would be much more comfortable in a room full of men than women because the energy is usually more mellow and I don't feel like I'm being judged/competed against as much... and could probably get away with keeping to myself on subjects that are not of interest to me. Though, I rather be alone then in a room full of people, generally speaking.
**Early childhood I self-entertained and had little interest in/didn't know how to interact with other kids.. I loved being outside doing whatever/digging holes, lincoln logs, beginner chemistry sets, easy bake ovens, stuffed-animals, making tents, making bracelets, designing the interior of doll houses and making crazy backstories for the dolls/characters, ancient history and science magazines, soccer, trying to jump off the roof and fly, making cool aquarium setups- loved turtles, dogs, hamsters, cats, painting, drawing, trying to debug my parents computer on a regular bases because my mom clicks on everything, reading.. once I got into the first couple chapters, swimming, tumbling classes, making things (like I made a bunch of flashlights out of toilet paper rolls, wire, and batteries- perfecting each one). I guess I just never understood how some of these things could be exclusively "male" interests because I didn't think I wasn't female. It was a confusing childhood once I was in the school system. For a moment I thought maybe I was supposed to be a boy because my interests were so different from the girls around me.. but I wasn't a boy so I was just kinda awkward and felt out of place in my early childhood. My mom always influenced me to be a well rounded person and would push me out of my comfort zone. If I wanted to do soccer I also had to do ballet or some type of dance class. If I wanted to take art classes I also had to take piano class. If I wanted to do swim team I also had to do a film camp. If wanted to do tumble classes I also had to do cheerleading. She used my interests to get me to do other things she wanted me to do. I do think she wanted me to be well rounded but I also think she wanted me to fit in a little better and have typical things to "brag" to her coworkers about- she is ESFP. I didn't really like it but didn't really think about it or protest it too much because I wanted to do my other interests. I'm grateful because I like the way it made me. I think it helped me be more dynamic. I'll probably do similar things with my children.
3. We are really terrible housewives
This is a way too brash way to explain the INTP female dynamic in my opinion. Of course.. maybe I'm different. I think I could be an excellent housewife under the right conditions. Even though I have a chaotic mind and organization is not my strong suit, I have a hard time being productive if my surroundings are chaotic or dirty. I enjoy being productive even though I struggle with it... because my mind is all over the place (I'm constantly jumping down the next new rabbit hole). One of the first things I will do to try to minimize the chaos is to have a clean home. As soon as I get home from work I will spend at least 30 minutes trying to get household chores out of the way so I can free up my mind/time for other things. It is not to say that I enjoy them but I feel they are necessary in order to do other things. I also have no one else to rely on to take care of those things. Though.. I've been meaning to organize the massive amounts of papers building a fortress around me at my work... Anyway.. I like being clean- but organization is a struggle. I will organize one way but find a new way the next day.. or if I'm unsure I will abandon the organization process altogether. Like, honestly, I would be unstoppable if I had a helper who was good at those things. I think it is helping that I have an INTJ boyfriend because he leads the way from an organization standpoint. Now.. if I were to be solely a housewife, I would use it to my advantage/productive way for sure. I know I couldn't and wouldn't be a typical housewife. I don't think I would have a problem with keeping the house clean and I already keep up with things financially with no problems. I would probably even keep up with my appearance more because I would have time. But it's like my dreammm to have a workshop in the backyard that I can make whatever is peaking my interest and to learn. I love coming up with new ideas/inventions, programming, CNC related things, making furniture, designing stuff (like i even designed my own kitchen remodel with CAD and everything), etc etc etc. Anyway, since I haven't quite found a job that completely suits me.. I find work to be stifling to creativity and to who I am as a person. If I didn't have to worry with making money and supporting myself in the immediate future I would definitely find an alternative way to support myself (although I purposely got a degree and stuff that I can support myself no matter what - because I think it is important to be able to independently support yourself). Anyway, I would create/make things that would be profitable if I were to choose what I want to do with money being a non factor... we can dream.. right? I plan on getting there eventually. I save my money and I learn new skills so that I can one day start focusing more on my ideas and not so much on work and other social distractions. I'm constantly trying to bring minimalism to my life.. small social circle.. multipurpose devices.. not too cluttered.. get rid of old things.. I like having nice/clean/simple things. Idk.. I'm trying to find balance everyday. Anyway, I think INTP women wouldn't be typical housewives but I don't think it means they wouldn't be good ones. I know I can make a warm home even with my chaotic mind :) and I LOVE cooking.. though I rarely make the same thing and when I do I usually change it.. it's like experimenting lol. So, I personally disagree with this one. I think I would be an excellent housewife if I wasn't oppressed and felt financially stable to pursue some of my interests... for interests sake. If I felt oppressed and it limited my ability to explore.. I'd probably be a bad housewife.. because I would be unhappy.
4. We are useless at social relations
No. I can be whoever I want to be, really. I can completely transform myself when needed. Do I like it.. no.. but I'm actually really good at it if I feel it is important. Now.. what I deem important to do so is very limited because I don't like transforming. I rather be who I am and keep to myself to avoid trivial niceties and expectations unless I know someone well enough and feel comfortable around them. So, anyway... yeah I am quirky and a little awkward but I'm completely capable of using these traits or turning them off when needed. I did have to learn how to do this though. My younger years were rough and I felt isolated. I developed into being able to adapt to social situations, and to also not care as much about not fitting in. Also, while on the subject, I don't feel like I'm the one that lacks social skills. I can read people and tune into what they are thinking and feeling very easily and I always have been. I am straightforward but never mean or anything. In my opinion, it's people that have to have the trivial niceties and expectations that are lacking social skills... they are who is unable to read and tune into others thoughts and emotions and only thinking about the self. I don't get how this issue got turned into a negative light on INTPs. So, I disagree.
5. Lovey-dovey stuff is not for us
Actually, I love lovey-dovey but probably not from a traditional sense. I love being deeply connected to my boyfriend (INTJ). I love learning about him and being able to be my true self with him. I love that we have deep and/or intellectual conversations but we can be goofy and not too serious together. He is my mind-mate, and I think that is very important to INTP women. I think we need someone who can match up to us intellectually for us to feel like we can truly be ourselves and to be stimulated. I found myself becoming a much more angry and cynical person when I tried to date people that weren't around my level.. not on purpose or because I felt above them per se.. but I wasn't being stimulated and would get frustrated when they couldn't seem to understand me, remember things that were important to me, follow my train of thought- ever, never had anything of interest to add to the conversation, and generally these people weren't as capable of realizing when they were the cause of a problem... I would get frustrated and start to resent and detach myself from them. I would never end the relationships when I needed to though because I'm horrible about the "what ifs" and I work very hard in my relationships to make them work.. once I commit I'm all in.. until I'm not.. but won't cut the cord when it is necessary. Now that I'm older and have some hindsight.. and have found what things are important to me in a relationship, I don't think I would fall into this cycle again and would cut the cord much more easily. I also need a mind-mate because I have a tendency to run over someone who can't put me in my place when needed, because I'll do the same with my partner. I don't like to tell people what to do or to control them but I can also become critical and annoyed by the way they do things -- if it's dumb or inconsiderate. I do better when I'm with someone that I think is capable of making sound decisions, who can defend their actions (sometimes I just missed a reason/information as to why they were doing what they were doing), and who is able and willing to listen to reason and is somewhat adaptable to my needs (which are not much, like, really.. I'm low maintenance). I hold myself to the same standards for them. But once I've found my mind-mate I love to receive sweet text messages or have a thoughtful gift. I don't like gifts for the sake of receiving a gift.. if I only get flowers once a year on Valentines Day.. I'll dislike receiving flowers on Valentine's Day.. because it was only done because of a formality/obligation. I like things that have more meaning or that took thought or was because they were thinking of me and wanted to express it (not always needing a holiday). Honestly, I'm actually a very romantic, kind, thoughtful, supportive partner when I'm with my mind-mate. I like to feel close and I love very deeply and purely. So, I disagree with this one personally. I don't think wanting to be valued for our intellect negates liking lovey-dovey.. it means we don't like superficial expressions of love.
6. We highly value independence and healthy boundaries
I think independence is important but it is also how I am naturally. I am a very self-sufficient person and I rarely ask for help. Not because their help is unwanted but because I honestly don't really think about it. If I think I can handle something on my own- I just handle it. I know some people are actually offended by this. If I'm lost in thought and I'm trying to get something done.. for example.. I'm trying to carry a heavy box into another room and a man is close-by that could either take the box or open the door.. I'll usually waltz to the door and do some maneuver to keep hold of the box and open the door on my own. Though, if I wasn't lost in thought I would probably ask him to open the door so that he could feel a sense of pride in helping if I felt he wanted/needed that. I don't naturally look for outside help because I just.. don't. Now if I really need help, I don't necessarily have a problem asking for it but I don't have that dynamic with many people (I'm usually the helper and I have found that asking help from help-ees ends up only causing problems or some unwanted drama or an unwanted obligation to them.. I try to only ask help from other helpers) so I don't have many people to ask.. usually my resource is my dad lol. In terms of with my partner- if I ask for help you better help (if you're actually able, of course) and not drag your feet and be rude about it, because if I do ask I legitimately feel that I need help and I know that I always extend the same courtesies to them without hesitation or negative attitude. When it comes to work, I just like to be left alone because no one likes my path or way of doing things even though I accomplish the same thing, but usually better if I'm left to do it how I want. I much rather be self sufficient and be my own work or at least have creative flexibility.. that's just where thrive best. When it comes to healthy boundaries.. I'm not sure that I'm the best with this but I don't think this is because of my INTP-ness. I feel I used to be this way. I would take care of myself and others when I could. I would still clear out my schedule if I could afford to but if I couldn't I would usually tell them I couldn't. Now, I compromise my own needs a lot more than I used to. I was in an unhealthy relationship a few years ago that I thought had destroyed me. I lost all concept of healthy boundaries. He manipulated me and made me think I was someone I wasn't. He would constantly used the things I hated the most and accused me of doing that.. twisting situations.. messing with my head. Of course, it didn't start out that way. We were happy and in love, at least I was. I'm not saying that I was perfect in the relationship but I am not a manipulative/game playing person by nature so I had a hard time seeing/understanding it in others. It has taken me a long time to recover and feel myself again... to have the same confidence and willpower to do things solely for myself. He would accuse me of being "my way or the highway" and of "being negative about our relationship," to name a couple. And it threw me for a loop because I wasn't those things.. I was trying so hard and I was compromising everything and it was never enough. It is sad and and in a way humiliating (yet humbling in hindsight) the way I let someone detach me from who I was- he even detached me from logic because there was no logic with him. He truly used my love for him against me and broke me. I was constantly walking on egg-shells with him. I became very unhealthy in every sense. I wouldn't keep up with coursework, would ignore my family, became easily agitated and angry all the time (accept towards him), constant tears/depression, gained weight, sick all the time, the list goes on. He was even the one that ultimately ended things. He called me and said I was nothing but a fat w**** and hung up on me and disappeared completely. I had zero closure and that was really hard for me. Our paths happened to cross 3 years later and it was then that he said he did it for me because he knew I wouldn't let go, which was probably true but he was still being a manipulative b****** and did not acknowledge his faults or the way he drug me along for his own weird ego.. he let me go when it was convenient for him to do so. I think he may have been an unhealthy ENTJ. Anyway, I will never fall victim to it again. I still compromise but I see things much more clear now and will call out a person who is trying to manipulate me for their own benefit. Healthy boundaries to me is to be able to feel free to be myself, even with the other person is around. I want to be able to watch a million youtube videos on different locking mechanisms without feeling they constantly need my energy or casting real judgement. I want to be able to go to my parents house without them accusing me of anything. I want to be able to have my same interests even if they don't always match theirs. I don't want there to be a huge emphasis on ownership of things or space but respect privacy, like.. being able to use each others cellphone but not digging through texts. It's what I have now with my INTJ and it makes me happy. I do catch him taking a sniff at my DMs from time to time lol but it's out of a place of curiosity, not mistrust. He is the best.
7. We struggle with starting a family
Ummm, I don't know. I don't think that it would ever define me. Like, I don't see myself being "just" a mom, ever. I don't think not having kids would make or break me either. Though, I'm not opposed and I think I would be a great mom. I don't think I would necessarily have to have my own kids to be a mom to them either. I could see myself adopting or being a strong female role model to my sister's kids or something. I like children. I think their little minds are interesting but I have never thought my life wouldn't be complete with or without them. Now that I'm with my INTJ, I have more of a desire to procreate because I think we make a great duo and we would have interesting/intellectual kids that I would love to teach and nurture. I don't think I have ever had a problem with being compassionate- until someone is nonsensical with their emotions or just downright in the wrong. Though, I don't think kids need to be coddled in order to turn out right. I'm an extremely loving and patient person, but if you're being ridiculous... you're being ridiculous. I would take that time to sit them down and explain to them that they are out of line or explain why their perspective is not logical. I would try to teach them to think. I don't think I would be traditional but in no way would I be a bad mom. The thing that appeals to me the most about being a parent is to teach them to think for themselves and to be dynamic.. and to build blanket forts and dig in dirt with them. The only three fears I have had about having kids are from a logical perspective..
1. I think there are too many humans on earth and that there are a lot of children that need homes already.. so why have my own? As I have gotten older I realize I'm a dying species and that I probably need to spread my genes and influence.
2. I'm unsure about the stability of the government and I would never want to bring my kid into a world where I can't provide everything they need. As I have gotten older I realize that if that does happen.. I'll find a way to protect and provide.. and it isn't healthy to have too much anxiety about the future on "what ifs."
3. I really don't feel the need to have a human body growing inside me. It doesn't sound magical at all. It sounds like a lot of work and painful.. and my body will most likely never be the same again. As I've gotten older I realize that I can get over it and that a lot of it stems from vanity.
This is how I would have written my post if I wasn't impatient about it and/or on my phone.
All of this resonated with me completely, especially organization not being my strong suit. I change my process all the time.
The only way I could relate to some of the article is if I was in an inert state or a low mood. I do find if I don't want to go anywhere, upkeep is less of a concern but outside of that, I will make an effort.
Your post also resonated with me! I think we were basically saying the same thing, actually, lol. I definitely spent way too much time writing this and was most definitely procrastinating... ha
The INTP woman seems to be grossly misunderstood from what I have seen. I think it will be interesting to see how this subject transforms overtime. I believe we will see that the stereotypes don't quite hold true for the majority of INTP women. I read that INTP women are the most rare in the world population, though I'm not sure of the accuracy of these statistics.
My theory is that we were mostly killed off as witches and/or unruly wives. My mom used to tell me that she thought I would be a scientist that never married if I were born some decades prior. I took it as a compliment lol
My instagram is @kameowoman . It is the only social media I have. Feel free to follow so we can see what we are all up to.