Dealing with toxic people’s behaviors is bad enough on its own, but when it comes to the passive-aggressive narcissist, you’re on another level.
On the scale of narcissism, you never want to be at the high end. Well, you wouldn’t want to be at the low end either. Anyway, narcissism is in us all, to a certain degree, but a balance is what we should all attain for.
Now, there is a certain type of narcissist that can be especially heinous. The passive-aggressive narcissist can be worse because they can appear to be kind, reserved and even seem perfect. Similar to the passive-aggressive personality, the narcissist operates in a covert manner.
If you want to get deeper into what a passive-aggressive type of narcissist is, then you have to understand the “perfect mate”, “one of the best people you’ve ever met”, or “she’s just perfect”.
Yeah, if you haven’t met the “earth angel” yet, then you may not have encountered the passive-aggressive toxic personality. This personality type will have you thinking they are absolutely perfect in all ways.
Listen, I’ve met people who seemed too good to be true, and I will tell you, about 98% of them were. I’m sorry. I hate to be negative, but it’s just the way it is.
Our world, our genetics, and our parenting have created many wolves in sheep’s clothing. So, if you have encountered these people, how do you feel? I bet some of you feel pretty rotten.
If you thought the ordinary narcissist wore masks well, then you’re in for a surprise. The passive-aggressive sort of narcissistic personality can make everyone outside your household actually think they are perfect.
Now, here’s where they win heinous awards. The narcissist with passive-aggressive traits can even make household members, aside from their mate, also think they are perfect. Their poor mate is the only one who knows the truth, and hence, the one who suffers terribly.
A covert or introverted narcissist can also appear reserved, insecure, and sensitive at first. For example, they will be overly sensitive to any criticism, including the constructive one. They may say self-deprecating things and look sad and vulnerable, which has a certain degree of charm in it.
Guess what? This is all fake. In truth, the only thing they seek is your attention and empathy because they feed off others.
I hate gaslighting. Oh, I hate it with a passion. A toxic person with passive-aggressive traits can make a nun feel guilty and crazy.
Remember when you caught your narcissistic girlfriend flirting with that other guy? Well, if you confronted her, I am sure you’re still apologizing by now. You’re probably saying you’re sorry about how you took things the wrong way, and how things aren’t always the way they look, huh…
I’m sorry, but you’re being gaslit. They are making you feel crazy, mean, and presumptuous. That’s because they’re closer to crazy than you are. Narcissists use gaslighting for many reasons.
It can be a way to avoid responsibility for their actions and to conceal something wrong they did, like in the example above. They also gaslight their victims to feel power and control over them and thus feed their sick ego.
The passive-aggressive personality of the narcissist has no room to care for others. But make no mistake, they will appear to most people as if they care deeply about everyone. They put on the persona that they wish to be kind, they wish to help people, and they want to make sure everyone is treated fairly.
Now, become their wives, step into the bedroom and try to communicate about how something they did hurt you. Oh, and, just a hunch, have you ever seen your passive-aggressive narcissist cry? No?
Well, until something hurts THEM or threatens THEM, they won’t cry. And if something hurts you, Oh, well, it just has to be your own fault. Let me offer a little scenario that will give you chills.
Let’s say this is you, the real victim: “You know, we haven’t spent any quality time together lately.”
The narcissist: “Well, you’re always complaining. You’re never satisfied. Why would I want to spend time with you when you do that constantly?”
A narcissist is almost incapable of caring for others. A passive-aggressive version is about the same.
Let that sink in.
If you suggest something, the narcissist will say they suggested it. If it makes sense to you, it will be a lie, and the narcissist will be the one who cleared up any problems. When facts are laid upon the table, the narcissist will find a way to change facts.
Did you hear me??? A narcissist will attempt to change the very fabric of reality with the twisting and turning of their words. Whatever serves their purpose will be the facts.
Whatever makes them look better will be changed to accommodate that. It will get to be so ridiculous that you will hardly be able to believe what you are hearing.
But in the end, all the psychological games they play serve one single purpose – feeding their ego. To make themselves feel good and powerful, they will try to convince you that black is actually white.
Passive-aggressive narcissists do the strangest things, along with the negative things. They fail to take responsibility when they’ve done something bad, and they try to take responsibility for the good things they do not do.
They insist they are the ones who come up with all the good ideas and refuse to acknowledge the ideas that don’t work. It’s frustrating, to say the least.
If you call out a passive-aggressive narcissist, they will either twist the whole situation like in the examples above or just pretend that they didn’t hear or understand you.
Yes, I know, this sounds childish, but a narcissist would really prefer to behave in an immature way than to accept the truth and take responsibility.
Very often, a narcissist genuinely believes that they did nothing wrong. In other cases, they know it perfectly well but can’t stand the idea of being exposed. In the end, all they care about is to maintain a perfect image to others.
Even though the passive-aggressive narcissist doesn’t seem to have any anger problems on the surface, they have hidden fury.
When you confront a passive-aggressive personality about something bad they’ve done, they will throw a tantrum much like a child. If you’re not used to this sort of behavior, you will be surprised when it happens.
And of course, you will not know how to respond to this kind of childish behavior. Solution? Ignore them. Don’t give them any attention at all. It will starve their hungry ego. This is known as the gray rock method and you can try it if you are unfortunate to have a narcissistic person in your life.
I guess you can see how these traits can make you feel guilty if you aren’t familiar with narcissistic behavior. You can also begin to feel worthless when the narcissist blames everything on you and never seems to take responsibility for anything.
The thing is, you have to remember, these traits are characteristics of someone who is sick. You should never take things that people with personality disorders say too seriously, especially when it’s obviously ludicrous.
If you know someone who exhibits the traits of a passive-aggressive narcissist, then the first thing you must understand is that it’s not your fault for the way they act.
If you choose to remain close to someone like this, it’s your choice, but when it starts to deplete your self-esteem, you may have to cut ties.
I do wish you the best when the time comes to make difficult decisions in this area.
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You are welcome, Chris :)
A very helpful article! Thank you!
This article described my first marriage. I had my own problems and was slow to detect the gaslighting and the avoidance of responsibility. This took a life-long emotional toll on me. Although I am hurt and angry even after decades of having lived with this (I had a lot of reactive outbursts), I know the emotional history of my partner and it is horrible. There was every reason for him to behave the way he did. The sticking point is that he was NEVER going to take responsibility for his behavior. He had to protect himself at the expense of everyone else, especially his wife and family. My life will be continually dealing with the fallout from living with this. Thank you for depressing this dilemma so clearly.