So what’s the difference between say typical sibling rivalries to toxic sibling relationships?
Healthy sibling relationships are compassionate, loving, willing to listen and help. They are non-judgemental and caring. They want the best for their brothers and sisters. That’s why they are happy and pleased when their siblings achieve success. They are independent of their siblings but not distant from them.
Toxic sibling relationships are simply the opposite.
Parents should not have favourite children. But was your sibling always praised and given the best opportunities in your family? Did they get away with murder? Did the rules not apply to them?
Favouritism can lead to narcissistic behaviour. When a child always gets want they want and is never made to feel the consequences of their actions, it gives them a false sense of superiority.
Do you feel like you always have to do what your sibling wants to do? If you don’t, they will sulk or get aggressive? In the end, it’s just easier to go with whatever they want?
This is a form of control. Whether it is what friends are suitable for you or the type of college course you should study. If you find that you are not able to make your own decisions without your sibling getting their way, this is a sign of coercive control.
This is another form of control, but it also impacts a great deal on your life. Do they get upset if you say no to one of their requests or demands? Do they make you feel guilty for saying no? Finally, do they play on your emotions and try and make you feel bad for not helping them?
This is typical behaviour of a younger sibling that has narcissistic tendencies.
People that think and act in a rational and logical way can quite often be deceived and manipulated easily because they just don’t think in that kind of devious way. Someone who is lazy and can’t be bothered to work themselves will use deception to resolve their issues instead.
The problem here is that, of course, families are supposed to help out one another, but not to the point where one person is always benefitting to the detriment of everyone else.
No one is right all the time. We all have to have an open mind, even if we think we know the truth. But some people that believe that they know what is right and won’t listen to anyone else’s opinion.
This kind of closed mind can be exhausting and inevitably leads to arguments and breakdowns in a relationship. It also invalidates your feelings because you don’t feel as if your opinions and ideas are important or that they matter.
Does one sibling constantly gossip or badmouth to you about your other brothers or sisters? Does this undermine your relationships with them? This is one of the worst signs of toxic sibling relationships as this behaviour can cause lasting damage.
They do this to elevate their own position by making their other siblings look bad in your eyes. This is because their own behaviour is not good enough by itself, so they have to trash the reputation of others in order to look better.
We need validation when we are feeling angry, unloved, frightened, anxious or sad. When someone does not take our feelings into account, they are telling us in effect that we don’t matter. We are not important.
Our emotions are what drive us, they are interwoven into every action or behaviour that we take. To have them ignored is extremely detrimental to our psyche.
Not only do toxic siblings like to trash their brothers and sisters to other siblings in the family dynamic, but they also like to make you feel bad about yourself. They do this by constantly criticising you.
They will judge every aspect of your life and find you wanting. Nothing you do will be good enough in their eyes. Their barrage of putdowns will have a cumulative effect until you begin spending less time with them to escape the mental battles.
You get friends like this, ones that you only get a phone call or a text when they need money or a shoulder to cry on. And it can be exactly the same with siblings.
Do you go for months without hearing from your sibling and then suddenly out of the blue, you get an email or phone call from them?
It will start off innocently enough, perhaps asking how you are, but then the real reason for the call will soon become apparent. They want something from you.
Making threats is a toxic behaviour in itself. Well-adjusted people don’t tend to have to make ultimatums in order to get what they want or need in life. If your sibling is constantly making threats, it shows they do not have the mental capacity or the patience to get what they desire in a civilised way.
So how do you deal with toxic sibling relationships? It may be too late to change their behaviour, but you can certainly do something about yours.
Do not engage in bad behaviour, just ignore it. If you engage in it, it may encourage your sibling to carry on.
It is easy to doubt yourself when you have a toxic sibling. But if you are with positive well-balanced people, you’ll be able to recognise bad behaviour immediately and not put up with it.
Some toxic behaviour is quite intrusive and can take over a person’s life. By setting clear boundaries, you can regain control.
Finally, there’s no rule that you have to stay in close contact with your sibling. If the situation is really bad and affecting your health, it is best to sever contact.
Do you have a toxic relationship with your sibling that you would like to talk to us about? Let us know in the comments section.
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I'm 32 and my older sister is 36, the youngest is 24. We all have different dads, we did not grow up together. I am the only one who was raised with my mom. My older sister came into our lives when she was 14 and I was 10. It was hell, she was evil and a bully. Life went on and we grew seperate from each other, letting go of the past and embracing new lives as adults. But, the eldest always makes remarks about my physical appearance to my mom and anything I do or say that she doesnt like, she will text me about it. If my son behaves a certain way, she will text me about it and tell me what i should do. These are all intrusive comments and opinions. Yesterday she did it again and I clearly stated I wished for her not to speak to me about my private matters, she continued to give intrusive advice... again I stated for her not to comment on my personal life and to respect boundaries. She continued to bash me saying I am overrracting and absurd. I became annoyed and acused her of being absurd for getting in my business and that her intrusiveness is what bothered me. I asked her to never again text me with her opinions of my life. Well, now she's blocked me from all forms of communication and acused me of bringing drama into her life with my attitude.
I feel like I have had to endure her toxic comments about me for years and all I did yesterday was pull out a Hard Stop and she makes a big deal about it. I dont feel bad at all, I feel like its time for boundaries and to say what I feel about her toxic criticism. Except my mom blames me for all this. My mom says its my fault she got offended, that I should have kept quiet and let her talk all she wants. Now, I dont feel that what she criticizes about me changes who I am, not at all. I feel confident of who I am and what I do. I just feel like its just time to say "Stop! This is how far you can go with me." I am not 10yrs old anymore. How can I address this in a healthier way... because my mom will always blame me for it.
Just my brother is really smart.. I'm not great with words but hes makes me feel like I'm not worthy of being his brother. Like if I say anything he rebuttals everything I say. If I'm into something he always shoots it down an says its dumb. He basis my decisions as to being dumb. If you only talked to him daily like I do you would understand.. he has the right to his opinions. An what he says could be the truth but that's where I'm like struggling with having a relationship with him. I do love him but I do have anxiety around him. He hates people but I dont. If it helps we are half brothers an 7 years apart. I do look up to him but I dont know why he makes me feel this way... if I even tried to talk to him about it he just says I have sensitive skin
i know exacly what you mean but in the end we are always the sensitive ones because they don't know how to interact with people who don't feed their ego. I don't think you should have anxiety talking with someone who you love let alone it being a brother/sister but yet here we are seeing all the traits that they are in fact toxic. I too love my sister but she's toxic and i don't think she will change so soon. Best thing would be move out and remove this people from our lives but in the end we would become the bad guy for preserving our mental health...........................
I don't love my sister anymore. We were estranged for years for very good reasons, and after 30 years I tried again...we are fraternal twins, will be 62 in May. And it just never changes, never ends. She takes no responsibility for her actions, or lack of actions. She lies, plays people off each other....it goes on and on and on. I've read some of the comments, and oh my, I hear you all and feel you. My sister likes to hold me an "emotional hostage"...she " loves me, misses me"..etc. Just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you shouldn't do what is best for you! "But she's your sister!"...... what about me and all the trauma she inflicts on me? I know, I know, I am the one who LETS her do this to me. There is so much more that has gone on as most of you can well imagine....it'd take me weeks to recount it all...but I don't want to be an "injustice collector". I am the one who guilts me the worst, by far, that she's my sister. And I can't do it anymore, her being in contact with me is not healthy for me. Latest thing, oldest sister in hospital, has Corona virus. My twin sister talking about it all like she's already dead, relaying made up updates, etc. Why?!!!!! After almost 62 years you'd think I'd get that she will never change and this with her will never end. I, naively keep trying, because she's my sister. I am letting myself be held an emotional hostage. And I am the only one with the power to make it stop. Me. You can't reason with her, talk to her, present accurate facts/info. She doesn't listen, she won't hear. I tried. I really did. This is all just not fair to me, but how I let it affect me affects my husband, kids, grandkids, other relatives and friends. It affects my health, physically and mentally. Thank you for listening to me. I am obviously very upset, once again. It's like she's not happy unless she has me in hysterics...and that is MY fault. And I have to stop it. Again, thank you for listening as I rambled in my frustration and hurt. We are not alone in this.
I have just read this and just wanted to say I hope you are well. Sending you a virtual hug. I can feel the pain in your writing and I hope things have improved since you wrote it.
I hear you. Set your boundaries and guard them.
I am the second oldest one of the family, I live with 6 other siblings And they are really toxic towards me at one point in time two of my siblings told me to go kill myself and their insults got worse by the hour, Soon enough I couldn't take anymore and broke down my father came in the room and told them they needed to stop because they wouldn't like it if I did it to them, It got to the point where I started going into depression, Their toxic behavior has been going on for 5 years now and I considered going suicidal but declined that thought and said there are better things in life than those darn brats and I'm thinking about cutting all kinds of communication with them and isolate myself from people like them