So what’s the difference between say typical sibling rivalries to toxic sibling relationships?
Healthy sibling relationships are compassionate, loving, willing to listen and help. They are non-judgemental and caring. They want the best for their brothers and sisters. That’s why they are happy and pleased when their siblings achieve success. They are independent of their siblings but not distant from them.
Toxic sibling relationships are simply the opposite.
Parents should not have favourite children. But was your sibling always praised and given the best opportunities in your family? Did they get away with murder? Did the rules not apply to them?
Favouritism can lead to narcissistic behaviour. When a child always gets want they want and is never made to feel the consequences of their actions, it gives them a false sense of superiority.
Do you feel like you always have to do what your sibling wants to do? If you don’t, they will sulk or get aggressive? In the end, it’s just easier to go with whatever they want?
This is a form of control. Whether it is what friends are suitable for you or the type of college course you should study. If you find that you are not able to make your own decisions without your sibling getting their way, this is a sign of coercive control.
This is another form of control, but it also impacts a great deal on your life. Do they get upset if you say no to one of their requests or demands? Do they make you feel guilty for saying no? Finally, do they play on your emotions and try and make you feel bad for not helping them?
This is typical behaviour of a younger sibling that has narcissistic tendencies.
People that think and act in a rational and logical way can quite often be deceived and manipulated easily because they just don’t think in that kind of devious way. Someone who is lazy and can’t be bothered to work themselves will use deception to resolve their issues instead.
The problem here is that, of course, families are supposed to help out one another, but not to the point where one person is always benefitting to the detriment of everyone else.
No one is right all the time. We all have to have an open mind, even if we think we know the truth. But some people that believe that they know what is right and won’t listen to anyone else’s opinion.
This kind of closed mind can be exhausting and inevitably leads to arguments and breakdowns in a relationship. It also invalidates your feelings because you don’t feel as if your opinions and ideas are important or that they matter.
Does one sibling constantly gossip or badmouth to you about your other brothers or sisters? Does this undermine your relationships with them? This is one of the worst signs of toxic sibling relationships as this behaviour can cause lasting damage.
They do this to elevate their own position by making their other siblings look bad in your eyes. This is because their own behaviour is not good enough by itself, so they have to trash the reputation of others in order to look better.
We need validation when we are feeling angry, unloved, frightened, anxious or sad. When someone does not take our feelings into account, they are telling us in effect that we don’t matter. We are not important.
Our emotions are what drive us, they are interwoven into every action or behaviour that we take. To have them ignored is extremely detrimental to our psyche.
Not only do toxic siblings like to trash their brothers and sisters to other siblings in the family dynamic, but they also like to make you feel bad about yourself. They do this by constantly criticising you.
They will judge every aspect of your life and find you wanting. Nothing you do will be good enough in their eyes. Their barrage of putdowns will have a cumulative effect until you begin spending less time with them to escape the mental battles.
You get friends like this, ones that you only get a phone call or a text when they need money or a shoulder to cry on. And it can be exactly the same with siblings.
Do you go for months without hearing from your sibling and then suddenly out of the blue, you get an email or phone call from them?
It will start off innocently enough, perhaps asking how you are, but then the real reason for the call will soon become apparent. They want something from you.
Making threats is a toxic behaviour in itself. Well-adjusted people don’t tend to have to make ultimatums in order to get what they want or need in life. If your sibling is constantly making threats, it shows they do not have the mental capacity or the patience to get what they desire in a civilised way.
So how do you deal with toxic sibling relationships? It may be too late to change their behaviour, but you can certainly do something about yours.
Do not engage in bad behaviour, just ignore it. If you engage in it, it may encourage your sibling to carry on.
It is easy to doubt yourself when you have a toxic sibling. But if you are with positive well-balanced people, you’ll be able to recognise bad behaviour immediately and not put up with it.
Some toxic behaviour is quite intrusive and can take over a person’s life. By setting clear boundaries, you can regain control.
Finally, there’s no rule that you have to stay in close contact with your sibling. If the situation is really bad and affecting your health, it is best to sever contact.
Do you have a toxic relationship with your sibling that you would like to talk to us about? Let us know in the comments section.
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I am a twin and 63. For 59 years I thought my twin was my best friend until the night mom died. There is something badly wrong with her. I have begged her for 4 years to tell me what I did. She emotionally and physically abusive and IM a prisoner at her mercy. I cant take it anymore all I do is cry. I see not a living soul but her because she took everybody including my boyfriend of 20 years. I know she wants me dead so she can have my money and I used to protect myself . It is never going to end and I just wish shed kill me and get it over with. Most nights finds me with my weapon in my hand but I know I will never have the courage to use it. I wish I was brave but IM not. I wish shed go back to loving me or she never has I guess but I wish I never found out the truth. I pray to God but he must think IM bad too because he DOESNT listen or hear me. I so wish he would just take me home.
Hi Karen. It's been a while since you made your post, so I really hope you see this. I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Have things gotten any better for you in the past few months?
Hi There I am a young lady on the autistic spectrum, I have a sister who I find is quite unreasonable and toxic with me, sometimes she can be nice when she wants to text me being nice, then will start being toxic with me, and it makes me feel emotional, can't cope with it, and we dont exactly have a perfect relationship, and I try really hard to get on with her, but sometimes I cant cope with her toxic behaviour, which pulls me down, especially when I asked for help politely, and get an unreasonable responce back, and when its new technology I have never had such as a new fitness watch that I have never used before, I politely asked her tom help, and she became unreasonable and wouldnt help, so for the first time in a few days that I have had the fitness watch, I have had to struggle with learning how to charge it up at my mums home as she has an USB Port, where as I dont have a a USB Port at home, so today has been a challenge in to A Charging it up, and reassembling it again,
I have two older siblings and they are both toxic! The worst part is that my mom and dad are constantly making me feel guilty about the fact that I just can’t have a relationship with either one of them. My mom has said to me “why don’t you love your sisters? We are going to move away from all of you if you all don’t start getting along!” Etc., etc. I truly feel constantly guilty for not being able to have a relationship with either of them but having a relationship with them is just painful too! It is so so so hard.
My older sister and I were once close as we were growing up, but as the years went by, she changed a lot and she grew jealous of me and she had everything;a husband , a good-paying job, a husband, a family, a nice house; so I couldn't figure out why she would be jealous of me; I had a good-paying job, a nice car, etc. but I was single and I was happy; I had a younger sister and to this day, we still in touch with each other and we have a close bond; now my older sister isn't speaking to either me or my younger sister and we don't miss her; I am sad that this happened but eventhough I loved her; sometimes it's best that Ii don't speak to her; she chose to estrange herself from our family and I accepted it and moved on!
I guess I'm relieved that this is more common than I thought. When I post on quora or reddit to ask questions or get things off my chest, people act like I should just love her, or that it's my fault. Maybe we're both toxic but I see from the list above that my younger sister has done these things and still does some of these things. I go to a counselor now that my sister is back in the family home while I've been primary caregiver for parent. My sis is very difficult to live with and I would rather she not have returned at all, but she asked our parent if she could and he said yes and my protests didn't matter. I urged her to go to a counselor because I told her that she needed to work on herself due to her constant dramatics. She acts like her life is a secret while at home, and she tries to control all the cleaning, and chores. She complains about everything being dirty, and about me or my dad's hobbies. But when I initially asked her before she moved in to help with appointments, and cleaning, cooking, sharing the house. Well, she got mad at me and told me I should never ask her to do things and she still says this even about insignificant things. But she does help with cleaning, and appointments. It's like walking on eggshells either way. At least she will be leaving in a month and I'll get some relief from her drama.