Mother-son relationships are complicated. While a son is growing and learning about the world and establishing his independence, he needs the nurturing and loving support of his mother. However, there are certain situations when the relationship between a mother and son is distorted and this can cause destruction. Unhealthy mother-son relationships can not only have detrimental effects on both the mother and son, but can also ruin any other relationships they have in their lives.
In the following article, we will look at some examples of unhealthy mother-son relationships. We will also discuss why they are bad and how they can have negative effects on you and your life.
When the mother makes all the decisions for her son, this can make it incredibly hard for him to escape from this pattern of dependence. It is not healthy for a son to rely on the help of his mother to make decisions.
If a son still considers his mother to be the main priority in his life, before even his partner, the relationship is very unhealthy. This can cause the son to feel regret and guilt if he doesn’t stay in contact with his mother but also resent her expectations. As resentment can become guilt and vice versa, a horrible cycle starts.
This is not to say it is wrong for a mother and son to be close. If you are involved in the kind of relationship, whether you are a mother or a son, it is a good and healthy thing. Closeness between the two of you can help him to communicate better in life and learn how to understand and express their emotions better.
However, there is a line that should never be crossed. In the relationship, if you are too close, it can spell danger for you both.
It seems that mums, in general, have a difficult time letting go of their sons, when it is time for them to mature and break out in the world on their own.
It is important for the son to have a close relationship with his mother while he is growing up, for a secure base for him to develop and explore who he wants to be. And mothers should be protective of their children.
However, it is when they become too overprotective that the relationship becomes unhealthy not just for the son, but the mother also.
There are unhealthy mother-son relationships where the mother will replace the relationship she should have with her partner for an emotional one of the same kind with her son.
It may be that the husband/dad is not living with the family anymore or has died. It could also be that he is not giving the level of emotional support that the woman needs or is abusing her. In some ways, it may feel natural for her to turn to her son, as the next closest thing to a male partner.
However, just because the husband/dad is not shaping up to the man he should be or is not there to take on the responsibility of his role, it doesn’t mean the son should be seen as a substitute.
There are also relationships known as ‘enmeshed’ parent-child relationships. In these relationships, the children and parent rely on each other to fulfill their emotional needs – to make them feel healthy, whole, or just good.
Although that sounds fine, they do it to the extreme, and the psychological health of both parties is put at risk. All sense of individuality is lost.
Sometimes though, the above relationships can become more than just unhealthy, but illegal and immoral. Sexual, incestuous relationships form. Although this is generally rare, it is possible.
When a mother and son have an unhealthy relationship, it causes him to struggle with setting boundaries and detach from his mother.
This can be a real problem when he is involved in a romantic relationship such as a marriage. His wife may feel as if he always has to compete with the mother, so it can cause a rift between her and her husband.
All is not lost though. The problems caused by unhealthy mother-son relationships can be healed. The first step is admitting there is a problem and dealing with these problems by speaking to a therapist.
There are other ways to get the same sort of help if they don’t feel comfortable attending therapy – by joining an online forum or something similar. Issues may still arise because a relationship has two halves and if one is not prepared to work at a solution, nothing will be able to change.
It’s the very fact that boundaries that should have been in place were violated. When both parties are aware of this, it can be addressed and dealt with by setting healthy boundaries. This may involve taking baby steps at first.
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hi i'm 32 still living with my pairents, I am schizophrenic and unemployed since 2010. I am my mothers cairer when my dad is working off shore. I think that my love life has been destroyed because of this (not sure because i'v never realy had one).I (at this point) would like to move out, however being on benifits and the fact my dad would need to give up his job. Currently i spend most if not all of my time in my room in front of my tv (getting pissed off with that) and afew hours a month building a part work inbetween taking my mum to hospital ocasionaly or the supermarket and sorting out food for her the weeks my dad is offshore.
what do i do
My Ex was the victim of and emotionally incestuous relationship with his mother - that broke through all dysfunctional boundaries. No, I didn't know it when I married him. He actually kept me far away from her and complained about her - until we married. They spent evenings after work together going to movies, shopping, dinner - date nights!- and I was left at home. Nothing I said was valid. After all: "That's my mother!" He was 38 and she was 60. The end came quickly after she called him at 10:30pm, informing him she wanted to take a bubble bath and she was out of Jean Nate. He jumped out of bed and raced 32 miles away to grant his mother's wish. I was furious! The next morning I asked him what happened. Him: "Nothing! I ran her bath for her, lit some candles and played guitar for her while she bathed." - like it was the most normal thing in the world. I have to correctly assume their was nudity involved. My stomach turned in a hundred different directions. I told him he was in an incestuous relationship with his mother. My daughter was born ( don't ask me how that miracle happened) and the mother wanted him to take the baby from me. She even had a nursery done for her in her house! My husband came home screaming: " That's HER daughter! That's HER kid!" Outcome: Divorce; I gained sole custody; he consistently only spent 15 mins of visitation time because his mother "needed" him. Epilogue: His mother died shortly thereafter from AIDS.
you are so brave... I am going through a similar thing
Lol, smdh. That sounds like it was a very messy situation!!!!
The Spouse Substitute sounds like what my sister is doing to her son. It started when her husband became a homeless crack addict. My sister lives with her son, he's 32. He doesn't seem to realize how controlled he is by my sister. We (my mom, niece, me) have tried to talk to her about this, and she goes into a rage if we try to tell her she needs to move on w/out her sson; get her own place, he needs to get his...it's not healthy for a 32 year old guy to still live with mom! He has a girlfriend, but now the girlfriend and my sister are enemies. She gets almost psychotically angry with her son the same way she fought with her husband. It's as if she has replaced her husband with Louie (emotionally) and when he's not doing everything for her, she goes into a rage. She also drinks alot, which makes the fighting seem to become worse, and more physical. My nephew quit his job, and is talking about moving and my sister is besides herself with rage now because he's making plans without her. I told my nephew this needs to stop, I told him it's not healthy for him at his age to still be living with his mom, and he needs to move on, move out and get his own life without her. He seems to be codependent on her too. I don't get it. Most guys that don't get along with their moms will leave home at early ages. I don't understand why my nephew seems to find it so difficult to leave "mom", esp since she behaves psychotic at times. I don't have a good relationship with my sister because of her behavior. She is a narcissist. She's self centered to the point that I think she is a sociopath. How do I help my nephew break free of his mom. I'm totally independent. I've lived on my own for years. I don't get why he still wants to live with a mom that fights with him so horribly Tonight, he texted me photos of the bruises she left on his arm. She was having a tantrum because he said he wanted to move to another City to find a job. She wants to go with him! Unhealthy relationship is an understatement with my sister and her son.
You do not have a right to call anyone a psychopath, sociopath, not a narcissist unless you have gone to a University for at least ten years to become a Psychiatrist or at least a master's in Clinical Psychology. It can take years for the above professionals to make a diagnosis as they are very cautious. You need to back off and let mother and son work it out for themselves and focus on your own life. Sounds like your sister needs help and not to be criticized so harshly. You could try to gently recommend to see a doctor to be referred to a very good and compassionate Psychiatrist. She might have a chemical imbalance. The correct medication is available for every individual that is suffering. It sounds like she is very angry but anger always follows a deep sadness.
too bad. they surely must be separated. This is emotional slavery.
My girlfriend has an unhealthy relationship with her son from a previous relationship. He basically gets away with murder (figuratively not literally) and can do no wrong in her eyes unless she's (at the moment) mad at him. She excuses (or ignores) his apathy, his rudeness, and his neglect of his own son (yep...he's got a kid...and refuses to take care of him properly). Quite frankly he's the biggest asshole I've ever met and it's easy to see he has picked up his parents worst traits and none of their good traits. He's a disrespectful money sponge and can't think beyond his little head (if you get my meaning). I've never in my life met anyone so disrespectful and she just let's it slide, even makes excuses for him or even blames me for his (he's an adult) choices. I've never had a confrontation with him, but between his sick behaviour (walking around in his underwear and trying to go into the bathroom when she showers) and his selfish attitude I've come to a point where I want to either leave the situation entirely or have said confrontation.
um, his mom probably took too long of showers that took up the whole morning. nothing wrong with asking to use the bathroom if shes in a closed shower. people like you are a shame. thank god you have not taken up the roll as a real husband. sounds like you are not ready for husband duty yet. being a stepdad is very difficult,..but is not an excuse shame your spouse online and shame her son. shame on you
The last straw, stop being such an idiot. You surely do not fit to be a man in your girlfriend's life. You are very jealous of her son. You would get a direct slap on the face if you confront them. It's time to stop nagging and be a real man. You have no respect for her at all let alone her son. You are not a part of her but her son always is. You may leave her one day and she would be dating someone else but the relation between mother and son will never change.
Your problem is your attitude, not her son. Get it fixed you will be ok. Good luck