Mother-son relationships are complicated. While a son is growing and learning about the world and establishing his independence, he needs the nurturing and loving support of his mother. However, there are certain situations when the relationship between a mother and son is distorted and this can cause destruction. Unhealthy mother-son relationships can not only have detrimental effects on both the mother and son, but can also ruin any other relationships they have in their lives.
In the following article, we will look at some examples of unhealthy mother-son relationships. We will also discuss why they are bad and how they can have negative effects on you and your life.
When the mother makes all the decisions for her son, this can make it incredibly hard for him to escape from this pattern of dependence. It is not healthy for a son to rely on the help of his mother to make decisions.
If a son still considers his mother to be the main priority in his life, before even his partner, the relationship is very unhealthy. This can cause the son to feel regret and guilt if he doesn’t stay in contact with his mother but also resent her expectations. As resentment can become guilt and vice versa, a horrible cycle starts.
This is not to say it is wrong for a mother and son to be close. If you are involved in the kind of relationship, whether you are a mother or a son, it is a good and healthy thing. Closeness between the two of you can help him to communicate better in life and learn how to understand and express their emotions better.
However, there is a line that should never be crossed. In the relationship, if you are too close, it can spell danger for you both.
It seems that mums, in general, have a difficult time letting go of their sons, when it is time for them to mature and break out in the world on their own.
It is important for the son to have a close relationship with his mother while he is growing up, for a secure base for him to develop and explore who he wants to be. And mothers should be protective of their children.
However, it is when they become too overprotective that the relationship becomes unhealthy not just for the son, but the mother also.
There are unhealthy mother-son relationships where the mother will replace the relationship she should have with her partner for an emotional one of the same kind with her son.
It may be that the husband/dad is not living with the family anymore or has died. It could also be that he is not giving the level of emotional support that the woman needs or is abusing her. In some ways, it may feel natural for her to turn to her son, as the next closest thing to a male partner.
However, just because the husband/dad is not shaping up to the man he should be or is not there to take on the responsibility of his role, it doesn’t mean the son should be seen as a substitute.
There are also relationships known as ‘enmeshed’ parent-child relationships. In these relationships, the children and parent rely on each other to fulfill their emotional needs – to make them feel healthy, whole, or just good.
Although that sounds fine, they do it to the extreme, and the psychological health of both parties is put at risk. All sense of individuality is lost.
Sometimes though, the above relationships can become more than just unhealthy, but illegal and immoral. Sexual, incestuous relationships form. Although this is generally rare, it is possible.
When a mother and son have an unhealthy relationship, it causes him to struggle with setting boundaries and detach from his mother.
This can be a real problem when he is involved in a romantic relationship such as a marriage. His wife may feel as if he always has to compete with the mother, so it can cause a rift between her and her husband.
All is not lost though. The problems caused by unhealthy mother-son relationships can be healed. The first step is admitting there is a problem and dealing with these problems by speaking to a therapist.
There are other ways to get the same sort of help if they don’t feel comfortable attending therapy – by joining an online forum or something similar. Issues may still arise because a relationship has two halves and if one is not prepared to work at a solution, nothing will be able to change.
It’s the very fact that boundaries that should have been in place were violated. When both parties are aware of this, it can be addressed and dealt with by setting healthy boundaries. This may involve taking baby steps at first.
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I have a question more than a comment I'm saying this woman is 51 she has a son living with her that's around 30 or 37 every time he walks into the room she watches him and stares at him she doesn't have a sleeping pattern because she's up all night long she's always on the phone and him and her always talk about everything which is common but when I come into the room they get really quiet I've been dating this woman for over 2 months she stares at him more than she stares at me I mean like I told her if you paid more attention to me like you do your son you would get more attention from me she sleeps with her door open she's she wears nightgowns all day long she has a large breasts and she sets with no panties on and like I said she sleeps with her door open and the light on and she sleeps where the sun can see her naked she's admitted that her son has seen her naked many times I told her that's very strange is the time that you shouldn't let your child see you and I thought that was around about 4 or 5 she never said anything but when it comes to cooking food she'll fix what he wants but she always seems they ruin what I have I don't need a lot of things that she cooks for him and she doesn't make anything special for me I'm not jealous of her son oh and by the way her son hasn't worked for 10 years and she doesn't make him go look for a job
Jim, the question is why you are even dating this woman? if you think your girlfriend is doing something immoral or incestuous you should leave her straight away. Why you are still clinging to her? If she does not pay attention to you it means you have not been able to attract her. If she does not cook a special meal for you, seems like she is not interested to do so.
You are certainly jealous of her son because he gets her attention instead of you. If the son does not have a job or not willing to, this is not your problem. My words may seem harsh but not unreal.
I wish you the best life has to offer you.
My mom is all three of these types! I'm 36 and still working to set boundaries, speak my own mind, and seek healing from our past. There's hope out there folks!
I'm a concerned mother and worried about my children around my brother in law. The relationship he shares with his mother's is described as an old married couple. They both do not work and haven't in a long time . Mother in law was fired over fifteen years ago buying pot in a parking lot. Brother in law is slightly disabled on one side and collects social security. They both use his s.s. to pay rent and buy pot of whatever they need. Brother in law has never had a relationship of any kind, hand holding, kissing, etc. My main concern is having my young children around him. I brought this up to my husband and he doesn't seem to think anything of it and was very offended that I would be weary of him being alone with our kids. The mother and son relationship is too weird for me. He cannot go anywhere for more than an hour without having the mother come pick him up. His social life is nonexistent and he is very quiet and lacks normal behavior. I don't know how to approach this. The mother and son have never been apart and now moved in with grandmother because Grandpa passed. I'm not close with the family and they really don't want to be close to me. They have watched our children(they as in mother and grandma) so we could go out for a date night and the kids have spent the night before. But now I am getting worried and my gut is telling me something isn't right with him. Am I being too paranoid? Should I feel awful for thinking my brother in law shouldn't be alone with my children and not spend the night at grandma's again? My husband told me to tell his mom how I feel. I have expressed concern with not wanting to work or any desire to stop smoking pot. I understand people do it for medical, anxiety, or other reasons but I want my children around people in the right state of mind. I had a great uncle that acted like my brother in and the feelings came back that made me uncomfortable. I was never violated but it was borderline. I never want to put my children in a toxic situation but I don't want to assume someone I know will harm them. I don't know if I am right and if I do talk to the mother in law that she will protect her son no matter what.
I'm currently in a relationship with a Man who is 36 lives at home and is in a very unhealthy relationship with his mother and he can't see how bad her behaviour is for us I'm pulling My hair out with this they can't see how wrong the relationship is and everyone else in there lives in completely aware of the way they are and won't do anything about it I would do almost anything to make this work HELP ME I NEED ADVICE!!!
Get out!!!! They will not change. They like it just the way that it is. They also frown upon you for calling it what it is.
i have been with my bf for 7 years now i am 33 he is 30, we have 2 childeren together and recently becaume engaged. I feel like he is in an enmeshed relationship with his mother and possibly his sister too. His dad left when he was 4, had an affair with another woman, the sister was much older and so had her own life and he was left to look after his mothers emotional needs, his nan was sick during this time also so his mum was in a bad place and he had to grow up fast. Whenever his mum becomes upset or worried about things he becomes the same, and vice versa. They message eachother constantly throughout the day even sending love hearts and emojis blowing love kisses (which i have expressed to him creeps me out) but he gets on the defensive "whats wrong with that its my mum im sending her my love"......... Both his sister and his mum control him its like he has two mums. On his birthdays he always goes down to his sisters with his mum, when ive asked why he does this he says he feels like he has to, same with his sisters/mums/nephews birthdays the sister calls him up asks why hes not there yet. It took him 4 years to move in with me, and only because i had just given birth to our first son, i spent the whole pregnancy living on my own as he didnt want to leave his mother on her own. He has told me she has always said to him she hasnt found someone since his dad when he was 4 because she wanted to put all her energy in to raising him right. He doesnt cook, clean, do washing because he was raised with her doing all this for him so now i guess thats my job also. He doesnt seem to think theres a problem or at least wont admit to it. I feel left out of a lot of his family stuff partly my own fault as i have no want or need to associate with them. It causes problems within our relationship and i feel creeped out by his closeness to his mother i just dont get it or know what to do really
Clair's story sounds so familiar that I'm thinking to myself ,can this be the same person? But it's not same person just same story. I guess it's alot of them out there. Some unintentional and some intentional selfish acts of alot of mothers who destroy their sons lives. How sad!!! Cant possibly have good loving relationships with other women besides mommy!!!! This 48yr old guy that I know same situation. Dad left ,he was a kid. Sister and Mom runs his life specifically mom. Crosses so many boundaries!!! He Can't make decisions for self. Doesn't know how to handle responsibilities in order to live on his own, at all.whatever his mom says he also says. Lol. His mother has a one bdrm apt. And keeps some of his clothes there for when he comes over. It's just a sad situation. The dependence. A person couldn't pay me a million dollars to be in a relationship with this guy!!!! It's sad!!!! Mothers need to stop it. Manipulative and selfish Mothers!!!!!