Mother-son relationships are complicated. While a son is growing and learning about the world and establishing his independence, he needs the nurturing and loving support of his mother. However, there are certain situations when the relationship between a mother and son is distorted and this can cause destruction. Unhealthy mother-son relationships can not only have detrimental effects on both the mother and son, but can also ruin any other relationships they have in their lives.
In the following article, we will look at some examples of unhealthy mother-son relationships. We will also discuss why they are bad and how they can have negative effects on you and your life.
When the mother makes all the decisions for her son, this can make it incredibly hard for him to escape from this pattern of dependence. It is not healthy for a son to rely on the help of his mother to make decisions.
If a son still considers his mother to be the main priority in his life, before even his partner, the relationship is very unhealthy. This can cause the son to feel regret and guilt if he doesn’t stay in contact with his mother but also resent her expectations. As resentment can become guilt and vice versa, a horrible cycle starts.
This is not to say it is wrong for a mother and son to be close. If you are involved in the kind of relationship, whether you are a mother or a son, it is a good and healthy thing. Closeness between the two of you can help him to communicate better in life and learn how to understand and express their emotions better.
However, there is a line that should never be crossed. In the relationship, if you are too close, it can spell danger for you both.
It seems that mums, in general, have a difficult time letting go of their sons, when it is time for them to mature and break out in the world on their own.
It is important for the son to have a close relationship with his mother while he is growing up, for a secure base for him to develop and explore who he wants to be. And mothers should be protective of their children.
However, it is when they become too overprotective that the relationship becomes unhealthy not just for the son, but the mother also.
There are unhealthy mother-son relationships where the mother will replace the relationship she should have with her partner for an emotional one of the same kind with her son.
It may be that the husband/dad is not living with the family anymore or has died. It could also be that he is not giving the level of emotional support that the woman needs or is abusing her. In some ways, it may feel natural for her to turn to her son, as the next closest thing to a male partner.
However, just because the husband/dad is not shaping up to the man he should be or is not there to take on the responsibility of his role, it doesn’t mean the son should be seen as a substitute.
There are also relationships known as ‘enmeshed’ parent-child relationships. In these relationships, the children and parent rely on each other to fulfill their emotional needs – to make them feel healthy, whole, or just good.
Although that sounds fine, they do it to the extreme, and the psychological health of both parties is put at risk. All sense of individuality is lost.
Sometimes though, the above relationships can become more than just unhealthy, but illegal and immoral. Sexual, incestuous relationships form. Although this is generally rare, it is possible.
When a mother and son have an unhealthy relationship, it causes him to struggle with setting boundaries and detach from his mother.
This can be a real problem when he is involved in a romantic relationship such as a marriage. His wife may feel as if he always has to compete with the mother, so it can cause a rift between her and her husband.
All is not lost though. The problems caused by unhealthy mother-son relationships can be healed. The first step is admitting there is a problem and dealing with these problems by speaking to a therapist.
There are other ways to get the same sort of help if they don’t feel comfortable attending therapy – by joining an online forum or something similar. Issues may still arise because a relationship has two halves and if one is not prepared to work at a solution, nothing will be able to change.
It’s the very fact that boundaries that should have been in place were violated. When both parties are aware of this, it can be addressed and dealt with by setting healthy boundaries. This may involve taking baby steps at first.
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I am a 60 yo male living with an 80 year old mum . She's trying to make me her age . Everyday is the same no element of surprise no get up and go unless it's my sister or niece calling the shots I gotta get out of hear
What can be a solution to this problem.evdn i am going through similar situation and felt sad after reading this article that there are many more like me.
First of all its difficult to make my husband realize this as he would never accept and he is too close to his mom so he would not like to hear any such thing coming from wife's mouth.I am living in distress since past 13 yrs.How do I help him n mysrlf.
My kids suffering too
Wow never know that this is real cause that's what I'm going through cause my boyfriend mother is like oh do this and that with yourself than the depend pan that one she or oh she isn't good for toy n I don't see u long with him or her ....its,like she want to separate her son from me because she said her son means the world to she and he is her eye ball she have three kids two boy n one girl she only love one with all her heart n she hate the others .....when my boyfriend go out with me she gets mad but when her other kids do go out with their partner she doesn't care this stuff I just read make me realize im in a wrong relationship
I just trying to leave a yen year common law marriage it's hard I have not accepted or around her for nine years it's awefulnhevgoes home to his room in hisoms house she feeds clothes cigs beer buys him things he had yen of expensive steaks three hundred dollar already had the of does his laundry makes his bed hifrschim for three days won't even let me talk to him he thinks this is normal
I can identify with some any comments that have been left on this page. I too was involved with a 30 year old individual and the relationship between him and his Mother was toxic. They both live together in the same room and when I was not there they slept in the same bed!, although she had a separate bed to him. They behave like husband and wife and I was the mistress more or less. They discussed everything together basically, a co-dependent relationship. They both are very manipulative and only want to do what suits them. His excuse was that his Mother is living with him in a foreign country and he is responsible for her and her needs. She could not even go to the shops without him or withdraw money from her account alone. It used to drive me crazy! She is not disabled and well able to walk and find the closest shop which was less that 5 minutes away. She even rang him one night when he was staying with me to say she felt sick and had a headache. He was so worried all night about her. When we went to see her she looked fine and was so happy to see him.... She used to say" why do you leave me alone here". We went away one night and she phoned 4 times for nothing important and necessary. It was pathetic. She used to wait for him at the door after work, pet him like a child, and stand by watching him sleep in the morning if she woke before him. He could do NO wrong despite been a selfish self seeking looser. Any excuse to control him. But the ironic thing was this: I realized he actually seemed to enjoy the attention and her neediness because it made him feel wanted. He also controlled her and they were both in a disease to please each other. I had so many arguments about it and with her that in the end I gave up and we (her husband/ son) parted ways.
All I can say is that is is very difficult to change the dynamic of a co-dependent relationship between Mother and Son. Especially if he enjoys his mothers sickness. Its exhausting and not fun. Be frank and be honest is my advice and give consequences. Good luck to you all!