Mother-son relationships are complicated. While a son is growing and learning about the world and establishing his independence, he needs the nurturing and loving support of his mother. However, there are certain situations when the relationship between a mother and son is distorted and this can cause destruction. Unhealthy mother-son relationships can not only have detrimental effects on both the mother and son, but can also ruin any other relationships they have in their lives.
In the following article, we will look at some examples of unhealthy mother-son relationships. We will also discuss why they are bad and how they can have negative effects on you and your life.
When the mother makes all the decisions for her son, this can make it incredibly hard for him to escape from this pattern of dependence. It is not healthy for a son to rely on the help of his mother to make decisions.
If a son still considers his mother to be the main priority in his life, before even his partner, the relationship is very unhealthy. This can cause the son to feel regret and guilt if he doesn’t stay in contact with his mother but also resent her expectations. As resentment can become guilt and vice versa, a horrible cycle starts.
This is not to say it is wrong for a mother and son to be close. If you are involved in the kind of relationship, whether you are a mother or a son, it is a good and healthy thing. Closeness between the two of you can help him to communicate better in life and learn how to understand and express their emotions better.
However, there is a line that should never be crossed. In the relationship, if you are too close, it can spell danger for you both.
It seems that mums, in general, have a difficult time letting go of their sons, when it is time for them to mature and break out in the world on their own.
It is important for the son to have a close relationship with his mother while he is growing up, for a secure base for him to develop and explore who he wants to be. And mothers should be protective of their children.
However, it is when they become too overprotective that the relationship becomes unhealthy not just for the son, but the mother also.
There are unhealthy mother-son relationships where the mother will replace the relationship she should have with her partner for an emotional one of the same kind with her son.
It may be that the husband/dad is not living with the family anymore or has died. It could also be that he is not giving the level of emotional support that the woman needs or is abusing her. In some ways, it may feel natural for her to turn to her son, as the next closest thing to a male partner.
However, just because the husband/dad is not shaping up to the man he should be or is not there to take on the responsibility of his role, it doesn’t mean the son should be seen as a substitute.
There are also relationships known as ‘enmeshed’ parent-child relationships. In these relationships, the children and parent rely on each other to fulfill their emotional needs – to make them feel healthy, whole, or just good.
Although that sounds fine, they do it to the extreme, and the psychological health of both parties is put at risk. All sense of individuality is lost.
Sometimes though, the above relationships can become more than just unhealthy, but illegal and immoral. Sexual, incestuous relationships form. Although this is generally rare, it is possible.
When a mother and son have an unhealthy relationship, it causes him to struggle with setting boundaries and detach from his mother.
This can be a real problem when he is involved in a romantic relationship such as a marriage. His wife may feel as if he always has to compete with the mother, so it can cause a rift between her and her husband.
All is not lost though. The problems caused by unhealthy mother-son relationships can be healed. The first step is admitting there is a problem and dealing with these problems by speaking to a therapist.
There are other ways to get the same sort of help if they don’t feel comfortable attending therapy – by joining an online forum or something similar. Issues may still arise because a relationship has two halves and if one is not prepared to work at a solution, nothing will be able to change.
It’s the very fact that boundaries that should have been in place were violated. When both parties are aware of this, it can be addressed and dealt with by setting healthy boundaries. This may involve taking baby steps at first.
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My boy is 43 and still lives with me, we have only ever lived apart for about six mounts, we are very close and share just about all aspects of our lives .Is our relation unhealthy, is their a good age for children to leave home? Is it healthy to live together forever?
I think it's best and easier to live apart, but if not, you can always limit shared things, especially if both have other people in their lives! Other romantic relationships or other best friends or each person has their own life, own activities, etc.thus sharing a small amount of time together. I think the really important aspects of each person"s life like decision making, privacy, and a healthy respect for separateness are a must! The child [man] must be and feel capable of standing on his own two feet, emotionally, financially and intellectually! No guilt should be imposed on one another and no manipulation should be used! If living together is necessary, if possible to have/use separate entrances to home. Do not create routines like meals a habit. Make appointments for a few days or meals together, and no accounting for coming home arrival times! No answering to each other! No negative attitude towards personal visitors or affections for someone else should exist.If all this works, great, if not ......... get out!
i am currently living in between a mother-son situation and it drains me. My boyfriend is about to turn 21 in November and still lives with his mother. I feel like I'm loosing myself as a person, like i'm loosing my worth. Whenever, we go out or on a date his mom calls wondering were he is, she walks into the bathroom while he takes a shower and just talks to him, which really makes me mad because why couldn't his mom wait until after the shower. whenever, I approach him or talk about it he acts like its not a big deal, like they used to do that all the time. His mother is also a lesbian which i never minded, but I can feel her needed attention from her son all the time like constantly. This is why I am here searching for answer and information on how to deal with this.
I was married for ten years with a man that had a pretty sick relationship with his mother. She called him everyday at work I didn't know this until his boss in front of me stated that a mother should not call her son everyday thats usually is the wife's right. She used to do this while he was home but I complained to him and the calls stopped. Get this she never married his father and did not raised her two kids. She would constantly tell me how she walked around naked and neither thought that was a problem. As teens he and his sister moved in with her but the daughter left after one year and moved in with an aunt in another city. The mother was a sex driven unattractive woman she wore revealing clothes all the time and she acted like his wife. This caused a lot of problems in our marriage did I mention she was on her third husband? When I became pregnant she gave me the silent treatment and when our daughter was born she tried to take over. I told her that my child was mine not hers and to stand down she knew I was not playing. She allowed her son to bring his girlfriend/s we were still married to be in her company she hated me in a pathological way. I asked him once if he was sleeping with her because she acted like his wife and this was beyond sick. Our friends accused him of allowing his mother to have some hold over him Needless to say there was a divorce much needed for my sanity and the emotional health of our child. He is on his third wife.... both have made statements regarding her intrusive behavior. Whenever I see him I always asked "how is your wife" thinking I meant present wife I correct him by saying no I am talking about your mother.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years and I can’t stand his mom. She is best friends with two of his exes and is constantly trying to be friends with his friends and act like she’s our age. She has said things like I can’t wait for you to have a baby can you imagaine what MY baby shower will be like. Also said in front of Al my friends while I was in the bathroom at his birthday party that he wished his exes where there. She is always in competition with me and I can’t handle it. It hurts me so much that I can’t have a normal relationship with my boyfriend without competing with her. I also asked my boyfriend if I could start working with him in his industry and he said one day yes but then got his mom in and now she is working with him. I’m always in competition and I hate feeling like this. Everyone I talk to tells me to break up with him because it’s just going to get worse. Please help