The veil is being removed and now I can clearly see the reasons for why people behave the way they do. In ways, this makes life easier but in other ways, it makes life much more difficult. Those who suffer from childhood emotional neglect, as adults, are experiencing long-term effects.
The roots of these actions are long and thick, causing a stronghold in daily life. Sometimes, I feel these symptoms as well.
I was left with my grandmother, every weekday, while my parents worked. During those days, I was sexually abused by my adult cousin who paid a visit. Maybe my parents, in a sense, neglected me, but yet they had to work. Or was it my grandmother who was acting in a neglectful manner? Did they understand what they were doing? Probably not.
It was such a different way of life in the 70s. When my parents were at home, they never talked about my future and never really gave me credit for my creativity. It was normal to just keep me fed and safe. It wasn’t necessary to keep me enthusiastic.
I found the support that I needed in my older brother, who provided a small portion of the reinforcement that would give me a reason to live. We are still close to this day.
If you try to figure it out on your own, it could be too difficult. There are signs, however, which point to the root of your feelings. If you suffered from childhood emotional neglect, you may have a better understanding after reading these indicators. Here are 7 signs that you probably were emotionally neglected.
When I refer to being numb, I don’t mean losing physical sensations in certain parts of your body. I refer to losing emotional sensation in your thoughts. Numbness is a place where concerns become trivial, and emotions just disappear. Now, you might not feel numb all the time, but when you do, nothing matters.
You can almost feel like you are close to nothing, void and non-existent. After a while, you may actually start to experience a physical numbness.
Those who have experienced childhood emotional neglect will sometimes be confused about what they’re feeling. They may be angry, irritated or depressed with no understanding of why they feel this way.
Sometimes, they have trouble calming down as well, feeling anger and frustration continually building inside. It’s usually because of the past complex emotions after being left alone or forgotten.
I have noticed with some people in my life, that no matter how difficult things become for them, they refuse to ask for help. In fact, I have felt this strange refusal as well. Using what I understand about the situation gives me insight.
When neglected as a child, you sometimes had no help when you needed it the most. As an adult, you become used to this. Being dependent on someone else is abnormal for the emotionally neglected adult.
When an adult has been emotionally neglected as a child, they will always have this hole inside. There will be a lingering feeling that something is missing from their lives, either a person or a situation that they may crave.
Unfortunately, many people keep filling this space with things they hope will bring them joy but still feel so empty inside. You lose a sense of home and you lose a sense of love if not careful.
A low self-esteem also comes from being emotionally neglected as a child. You feel that if your parents and loved ones neglected you, then you aren’t worth their time or important to them. This is usually not true, but it’s complicated.
Oftentimes, parents just aren’t aware of the effects of their actions. As an adult, you transfer these feelings over to present situations and people. You experience a low self-esteem that sometimes becomes permanent and affects your home and work life.
If you recognize this trait, you may have subject to childhood emotional neglect after all.
If you are a perfectionist, you could have been neglected emotionally. Think about it this way, if your loved ones neglected you as a child, you could have tried almost anything to get their attention, even striving for perfection to be noticed.
As an adult, this perfectionism grew and maybe, by now, you’ve become obsessed with this behavior.
Are you a neat freak, need everything to be organized perfectly, and even require perfectionist friends? You could still be trying to validate your existence. Be careful.
Being overly sensitive about much of anything is a sign of past rejection. You are afraid, and your fear is manifesting through being offended about what others say to you. Sometimes people are only offering constructive criticism, but those who have experienced childhood emotional neglect see it as being attacked.
I never really considered the fact that I could have been emotionally abused in childhood until I understood the repercussions of this abuse. I had so many issues trying to figure out where each one of my faults and eccentricities derived. I
saw my depression in a clear way, I saw my anxious traits in another, but there were things like listed above that I just couldn’t categorize….until now.
I appreciate the ability to learn the roots of my characteristics, how about you? When we learn where our faults come from, we will be able to heal each hurt and replace it with a peace of mind. I think it’s just one step closer to an enlightened self.
We’re getting closer. Just be patient.
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I have been taken back many times by what you write. There is something - always something - that affects or is close to my heart in your writing. Another comment here mentioned being similar, I find we are very dissimiler, yet so close in so many thoughts and feelings. We are different in background, lives lived, and problems faced, but you always reach into me in some way. You are strangely like a friend I don't know, but comforts, and helps along the path.
Don,
Thank you so much. It means so much to me to read these comments. I share my life and what I have learned through writing and research and here, at Learning Mind, in hopes that it does help people be hopeful. And yes, this is my job, but it's more than that. Sometimes, to be honest, these comments make my day a little brighter. Just look! We are not alone!!! So many people reaching out to understand things! I wish, I really wish I could have found a site like this when I was in my twenties. I was suffering and hurting so much and just believing that I was no good. I had no idea how blessed I was, even in the midst of my many MANY imperfections. Most importantly of all, I had no idea how strong I could be until I realized the truth of what I was going through. Thank you so much, yet again, for reading! Please share comments as much as you like.
Sherrie
I feel like life has ended even though I am 20, I have been disappointed in all areas of life. Now I am just not interested. Nothing is interesting. I've given up. I can't bring myself to believe in wonder. I wish I were more innocent, hopeful and curious. I wish I were able to believe in wonders. I wish I could get my enthusiasm back. It feels like I am dead inside.
Hello Bryan,
If I told you there was an easy solution, I would be lying. You may be feeling dead inside, at an early age, but there have been many young adults that have felt this way. I felt this way many times as well.But.....and yes, there is a but...
There is something bright in your life somewhere. If you cannot see it, then just keep looking. These conversations are difficult and I am sure you've heard all sorts of enthusiastic people trying to lift your mood. Hey, they all mean well, and so do I. According to my own darkness, I should have given up a long time ago, but I didn't. I started seeing things in the sky, the trees and in the warm ground beneath my feet. Everything started to get larger than me, as most things are. lol. I had children, and their light spread out and reached for me. I had friends, lost friends and then gained even more.
But even more than that...all those little bright lights that filled me with warmth was not how I endured. It was reaching a place where I was okay with the fact that I wasn't okay at all. Death, divorce, abortion, miscarriage, abandonment, abuse, neglect, sickness....and then there was still this desire and this passion to be me. When you can't push anymore, and you can barely breathe, this is when you push just a little bit harder. When you feel dead, then get angry and live just to spite death. death, as with life, will always be there, but what's important is that you be bigger than that. No words, not even these can reach your darkness, but you can. Look at it, embrace it and use it to create.
And remember, no matter how much innocence you think that you have lost, there is more inside. One thing that helped me at my lowest of points was to help someone else. It was usually someone that could do nothing for me in return, nothing but talk to me. I always seemed to come away from that a little bit different and little more hopeful.
Take care
This post is right on the money. I, too, was emotionally neglected as a child and I can identify with all of these things. I am a serious people "watcher" and am constantly trying to figure out peoples' psychology. After doing that for the last 25 years, I feel like I have a much better sense of my own psychology and that many (MANY) of us have these same issues. We all created some kind of coping mechanism as children to deal with the neglect/abuse and these carry out into adulthood in our subconscious minds. Once we are able to identify that these are all patterns of similar behavior, it should give you a sense of solace that you are not crazy, or broken, or ruined. Try to understand that we created these coping mechanisms as children, and now, as adults, we must analyze those mechanisms from our new, higher perspectives. I've always been super sensitive about criticism and its only been in the last few years that I have been able to recognize that these are often constructive feedback thoughts and not a direct attack on my entire person. Self love is a good starting point. Recognizing that we are playing out the same old patterns over and over again is the KEY to stopping the cycle and decide on how you really want to live, and obtain what you really want from life. One of the best practices that has helped me is very simple, but world changing. In prayer last year during a very difficult period, I only heard the word "love". From that point on, I started making every decision, every action/reaction based on love.... love for myself and love for others. Constantly asking myself, "is this choice the most loving choice?" "is this reaction just a gut instinct or can you use Love to see this from a better perspective?" It completely changed the way I was disciplining my 3 new step children, 2 of whom are disabled and all 3 had been through significant trauma from their former step mother. One has autism; it was extremely difficult to understand her lack of common sense and lens through which she reacted to the world around her. I would get so angry and upset. I was at my wits end! So, before I would allow myself to flow into anger or instant reaction, I took some breaths and asked how can I deal with this in the most loving way? At this point, all 3 of my girls are vastly better in every way. We have become a real family in less than 1 year together. Was it easy? HELL NO! But I have learned to discipline myself and choose love at every crossroads... maybe that sounds overly simplistic, but it is powerful. It has given me back control over my own life. I stopped letting some of the more "toxic" people in my life harm me by removing myself from that kind of drama and simply respond to them in love. Some people will flee, believe me. They are addicted to drama and they don't know how to handle grace, empathy and goodwill. You CAN be better. And, you are the only one that can do it.
Sherri,
I applaud you, Sherri. To experience any form of neglect and abuse takes real strength and courage to overcome. We can, however, find those tools and tactics that help us and we can surely grow stronger. I am in a strange place momentarily. I feel the outer shell of my damage cracking and falling away. Mind you, these are little pieces, but I still feel it. I FEEL IT! Only someone who has endured trauma and hardships can understand how healing feels. Now, I do take steps back at times, but now I am able to recognize exactly what I did and stand back up. Before, I got caught in a volley of stomping feet which kept me on the ground. It seemed like I could never stand. Thank you so much for your comment. I believe this right here, this support and knowledge that I (we) are not alone, is what breaks the stigma and really starts the healing process!
Sherrie
Sherri,
AMAZING post... hard to face reality but 5 or 6 from 7 for me... deep stuff.
My question is... knowing/believing that I was neglected as a child, is there any way to find or discover the concrete situations that caused that?
Thank you!
I can never forgive my parents for installing all that negativity in me and being so arrogant on my face fir feeding me and bringing me up ... but i think each one of us has our own destiny ... relatiobships and their importance is really over emphasised .... no one dies for no one ...