Want to know what it feels like to be raised by an emotionally unavailable mother? Let me tell you my story.
Whenever someone asks me about my mother, I say ‘She died when I was young’. When they reply that they are so sorry, I always say ‘It doesn’t matter, she was an evil cow and I didn’t love her anyway’. Most people are shocked.
Are you? If you are – why? You didn’t know her. You didn’t know what she was like. What it was like growing up with her. And before you say ‘Well yes that’s all very well, but she was your mother’, so what? Tell me what law or unwritten rule stipulates that I have to love my mother? There is none.
You might think it is disrespectful to talk the way I do. But those among you who have experienced an emotionally unavailable mother will understand my point of view. And believe me when I tell you that I tried my very hardest to love her.
‘Emotionally unavailable mother’ to me is just a fancy psychological way of saying cold-hearted and unfeeling. But what is the difference between a mother who struggles sometimes to show her love and one that is emotionally unavailable? I can only tell you my story and it may appear cold and matter-of-fact.
But what if your mother never cuddled you or told you she loved you? Or actually even spoke to you that much? What if your mother used you as a means to earn money and her own personal housekeeper? How would you feel if she was abusive to your siblings and cold towards you? Perhaps then you might understand a little of how I feel.
So let me tell you a few stories about dear old mum. Maybe you’ll get where I’m coming from. Or perhaps you’ll think I’m being a total snowflake and I should just get over myself and stop blaming her for everything.
I remember being very little, probably around 4 or 5 and craving my mother’s touch. She never touched me ever. Not a hug, a cuddle, nothing.
But she did do one thing and that was to come into my and my sisters’ bedrooms after a night out drinking and check we were all in bed. If our bedsheets were tangled, she would straighten them out.
This was an opportunity for me to receive a touch from my mother as sometimes if my arm was hanging out of the bed, she would put it back under the sheets. Imagine being this starved of a mother’s touch that you engineer a scenario where she might come into contact with you? And at that young age?
Again, when I was young, I could write so I guess I was around the age of 5-6, I would leave little notes to my mother. The notes would say things like ‘I love you so much mum’ and ‘You are the best mum in the world’.
I would leave these love notes to my mother on her pillow on her bed so she would see them before she went to sleep. She never mentioned them. She never replied. I would excitably go to bed and look under my pillow to see what she had left for me. After a few weeks, I stopped writing them.
I passed my 12+ which meant I could go to a local grammar school. There were two choices; an all-girls one which had a very posh reputation (not me at all, we lived on a council estate) or a local mixed grammar where all my friends were going.
Mother decided I was to attend the all-girls school. Despite my protests, she told me ‘It would look better on my CV later’ when I applied for jobs. Ironically, I wasn’t allowed to carry on and study for A-Levels. I had to work at the factory job she had found for me when I was 16 to help pay the household bills.
I had a very bad time at grammar school. I didn’t know anyone. There were cliques of girls who had known one another from middle school and were quite happy to stay in their own little groups.
It got so bad that I ran away twice and went home. Each time my mother took me back to the school, no questions asked. The school did try to help but as far as mother was concerned I was to ‘get on with it’. I contemplated ending it all but got through it.
Some years later, mother and I were arguing and she had said she’d always done her best for me. I shouted back that because she’d sent me to that school I’d tried to top myself. I ran upstairs to my bedroom. She followed and for the first time in my life, she put her arm around me. It felt so odd and strange I felt physically sick and had to move away.
So that’s a little of my pity party story. There’s much more but a lot involves other people and that is their story to tell. So how am I affected and what do I do about it?
Well, I never wanted children. I don’t have a maternal bone in me. I am shown pictures of babies and I don’t get it. I don’t feel this flush of warmth or emotion. But show me a puppy or an animal in pain or distress and I am weeping like a baby. I think I feel emotionally attached to animals more because they have no voice. They can’t tell you what is wrong. I felt the same way during childhood.
I have a cold heart. I always say I have a heart of stone. Nothing touches it. I’ve formed this hard barrier around it so nothing will crack it. This is a survival technique I learned as a child. Don’t let anyone in and you won’t be hurt.
A late boyfriend of mine used to say to me ‘You are a hard nut to crack’ and I never knew what he meant but now I do. He also said that I was either clingy or hostile. This is also true. You are either everything to me or you are nothing.
As a child, I had an avoidant attachment style. I had spent a long time trying to get my mother’s attention. Having failed I shut down and become ambivalent about her. As an adult, this has transformed into a dismissive-avoidant style where I keep myself to myself. I avoid contact with others and keep emotions at arm’s length.
In fact, I am thankful she had me. It was the 60s, she was out of wedlock and she could easily have not have done so.
I remind myself that I am not my mother. I understand the weaknesses of my upbringing and that allows me to cope with life as an adult.
Then, I have a tendency to shut myself away from people and have to try hard to socialise. The saying ‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ doesn’t apply to me. If there is a chance of losing love I won’t love in the first place.
I know why I have to be the centre of attention when I am in company. It is because I craved it as a child and never got it. Likewise, I like to shock people and see their reaction. This goes directly back to my mother. I would intentionally shock her when I was a teen. Just to try and get something out of her.
I think that we need to remember that emotional neglect from an unavailable mother can be as damaging as abuse and physical neglect. However, understanding how any kind of neglect has affected you is key to moving forward.
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"she put her arm around me. "It felt so odd and strange) I felt physically sick and had to move away."
This is something I have struggled with in my adult years, especially since I started remembering parts of my childhood and my older sister filled in the gaps.
I still don't really understand why I feel so repulsed by her but what you wrote resonates with me. Thank you for sharing your story.
I was lucky Mary that I got love from my dad. I hope you received love too in your childhood xx
Unfortunately my father left us when I was a baby (12 months) and moved in with another woman and her 2 sons so my older sister and I were left without a father, and a mother who ate valium like lollies and spent 99% of the first 8 years of my life passed out on the sofa.
When my sister (who was 4 years older than me) started school at the age of 5 &1/2 I was probably 18 months old. Before we moved to Queensland we lived about 4 houses down from her school, my sister told me that she would get herself off to school because she couldn't wake our mother and most days I'd be left alone until she came home. Sometimes our mother would get up when my sister came home at morning tea time because I somehow learnt to unlock the front door so there were many times I walked all the way up the street and found my way to her classroom but because my mother wouldn't wake up when the school called her to tell them I was there I got to stay there until morning tea.
There's so much more in the following years but I can't believe how much I've already blurted out, sorry!
I'm sorry you went through that Mary. I hope you are doing well.
Janey
Here's the thing ~ I basically had the same kind of mother, learned later in life she didn't want children and was pressured into giving her mother a grandchild - who BTW died when I was 2 - so much for the grandma connection on that side. NOW after being on a spiritually awakening path for years and after learning about reincarnation - I, ME, choose my parents for this lifetime, choose those experiences (very hurtful and didn't understand at the time) - but today thankful for the lessons and that their actions instilled in me to be very independent and NOW HAPPY!. Totally relate to the kids - still to this day can not ever understand why people want to have them, don't get, probably never will. Have a house full of pets and help in rescue as much as I can. I care more about animals than I ever will about people. My grandmother on my father's side, showered me in love and nurtured me, so my loving background comes from her. When my mother passed and the fellow from the funeral home called with his platitudes, I shocked him when I said "Hell get me a marching band, champagne and balloons, I'm so glad she has gone home". Today I can stand back and send her love and thank her for playing the role she chose to take one - how hard that had to be knowing your kid hated you half the time back them.
Yes Elaine, I understand the reincarnation part. I am thankful my mother had me, at one point she wasn't going to and was under pressure not to. I think she was just not meant to have kids. And I feel much more at home with a bunch of animals than I ever did a house full of kids!
Was not planning on reading or reliving my odd upbringing, I am still 61, and losing my new place, today, my job last month and really not to thrilled about ending up here with no funds. It never goes away for long. I wish this part was over now, I'm 61 and exhausted of all of it. It really shouldn't be this way
That exact thing happened with me. Like as was said she felt physically sick when she touched you, I experience the same thing!. I am often called bitter and cold towards my parents, but its only because my father was nonexistent and my mother couch-surfed, moving from boyfriend to boyfriend, (dragging me along)for 5 years of my life until she traded me off to my grandparents every few years. When I entered 8th grade My grandparents got custody, but my mom still legally owned me, so she still received child support every month from my dad. Never using it for me, she instead was selfish and used it for drugs and herself. I was always trying to help my mother in anyway I could, I was my moms emotional crutch. Or something like that..
Hi Rain, thank you for commenting. I've learnt through talking to others that I'm not alone in my experiences and it makes me feel a little more 'normal'.
Janey
Did you ever wonder what your mum went through in her life to make her that way?
I think sometimes its very hard to give love from an empty cup. I am not excusing her behaviour, but do you think she was 'evil' in some ways or just running on empty herself with nothing to give?
I had a verbally abusive parent and even though I love my daughter she says she doesn't feel it sometimes. its harder when you haven't had a loving childhood yourself as you have nothing to model it on. I know that due to deep depression I have been inconsistent and its such a horrible feeling to know that i should have been better but cant repair that, even though I try to make up for it as best I can by always being there when she needs me. I really tried in many ways, for example I've always told her she could achieve anything, but of course nothings perfect; we have had some bad rows over the years. Physical affection was something that was always there as i had none at all so I was determined to give her that...but still there are 'gaps'. She says she feels that my love is inconsistent. It hurts to hear that but its true, much of the time I was in a fog of depression. In reality I probably would have been better not being a mum, even though she is the most amazing person and a total gift. If I'm honest I would say she deserved better. Being a mum is perhaps the most difficult thing there is, and more so if you have never felt love from a parent yourself. I'm not excusing bad mothering btw, but just my perspective. Id give anything to have that time over, go back and do it right, but in reality I'd probably still make tons of mistakes. The mother/daughter relationship is complicated on so many levels, and I think there are many like me who have so many regrets about not getting it right.
Hi Anne, yes, I have got to the point now where I wonder what made her the way she was. I accept she may not have had the best childhood herself and that parents are not perfect.
I think the best way to describe myself is that I have deep-seated validation issues from a lack of love but now I know why, I recognise them and live with them.
Janey