You’ve heard the words, the lists, and indicators of how it feels to know a narcissistic person, but that’s just a generalization for those on the outside. From the inside, it feels much different. Living with a narcissist can actually drive you mad, and that’s no understatement.
The truth remains hidden deep behind smiles and proclamations of achievements. The truth is painted over with colors and displayed as something else entirely. This is what it’s like living with a narcissist. Basically, the reality is fantasy and fantasy is reality – yes, it can be flipped and this is how the narcissist remains so successful.
Living with a narcissist revolves around becoming their biggest fan, and always staying interested in all their little “accomplishments”. I used to think that narcissistic people genuinely wanted me as a part of their life and success, and they do…but only as a groupie.
As far as my feelings and concerns, they did not matter. Everything, and I mean, absolutely everything, is about them and nothing is their fault.
The moment you show the slightest bit of disinterest, the narcissist notices and starts becoming irritated. Over time, the irritation grows because of the lack of a “#1 fan” in the club.
They may seek others to provide what you are taking away, but they will return to you and push their interests further until you’re quietly wishing they would go away. If you have said, “Enough!”, they may even try to worm their way back in with fake kindness.
After they’ve tried all their tricks and it doesn’t work, they will blow up. Outbursts of anger will be used to demand attention because a narcissist would rather gain negative attention than none at all. When you decide to take away their fan club outlet, you actually cause them physical pain because of the mind-body connection that most of us already understand.
Now, I will break that down further. Do you know why they have to have this much attention? It’s because, honestly, they are empty. The true personality they once had was either ripped away, covered up, or rejected so many times that they have created a fake person. When they catch glimpses of that real person, it scares them so badly that it’s painful. Some of them were also abused, and this is the way they coped.
With that being said, when you deny the narcissist the attention they crave, they are faced with themselves, which is either fake or hollow. This is tormenting and horrific for the narcissist, but they will never blame themselves. The fake personality won’t allow it. They will turn to the one who denied them attention, and they will attack them, either physically or mentally… even verbally.
Usually, the narcissist will partake in substance abuse as well, which will heighten the negative behavior. During drunkenness, the narcissist will insult and use trigger words to incite anger or start a fight. The drunken narcissist seems pathetic to those who are aware of their tactics, they somehow they continue to portray a lofty image of themselves.
During this time, they can be violent. I have tried to avoid violence before by staying quiet during the rants of the narcissist, but unfortunately, this didn’t work either. After trying to start a fight over and over, the narcissist, that I knew, started to throw furniture and my belongings just because I refused to engage in his confrontation.
I was, in effect, witnessing the breaking down of the narcissist’s greatest power, the power of manipulation.
The second part of this post will be my attempt to help you recognize and deal with the narcissist in your life. Now mind you, this will not be an easy task, as getting away from the narcissistic influence is like breaking free from a sticky tar pit. Here are a few indicators to help you decide if you’re living with a narcissist.
A true narcissist will be extremely charming, especially when you first meet them. They will try hard to remain charming even while trying to get attention. They will use this charm to keep you as their “#1 fan”. Now, don’t be mistaken, they will always want more fans, and most of the time, they will keep others as “intimate” fans as well, as the narcissist is rarely faithful – sorry, just being honest.
The narcissist is highly competitive, for obvious reasons. As long as they can strive to be the best at something, they will retain the spotlight. Now, competitiveness is not bad, but it’s the motive that makes it one way or the other.
For the narcissist, being competitive is necessary to remain on top. If they see someone admiring a skill, they will learn how to do that particular skill in order to steal that admiration for themselves.
The narcissist is a dominant personality. This is because, in order to keep control of other people, they must have a strong aggressive nature.
As for me, I was dominated for over 20 years by a narcissist. I felt trapped because I was young and I was stricken with multiple disorders which decreased my self-esteem. Only after I reached middle age, did I learn that I was not who the narcissist had trained me to be.
This goes along with domination, but it’s a tad bit different. A narcissist will make threats in order to intimidate the person in which they don’t wish to lose. They use aggression and trigger words to keep others under their control.
One example is the narcissist will frighten their wife with the threat of having the children taken from her. This is a personal threat I received after deciding to leave. It’s a fairly common tactic.
Now, there are ways to get away from the narcissist, and I do mean GET AWAY because in most cases, there will be no fixing, healing, or changing this personality.
They DO NOT care how you feel, they DO NOT respect you, and they DO NOT want to be fixed. Their primary goal is to manipulate you for the rest of your life, whether they are with you or not.
I’m sorry that this is a rather negative point, but at this point, you need to be shaken out of your dream state and awakened to the truth….if you are living with a narcissist, be strong.
Here are a few tips before I go:
These are just a few things you can do. I wish you luck in dealing with this type of abuse. It is so much more dangerous than you might think. When dealing with someone who is both aggressive and manipulative, it can be a true recipe for disaster. I will leave you with one final warning inspired by the hurricanes hitting my country….
“Don’t stay, leave now.”
Although that might sound mandatory, it’s just my experienced opinion considering what I have witnessed before. Take care.
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Know EXACTLY what your all talking about. It's horrible because it can bring you to suicide and you'd know inside they wouldn't care. In fact, They would be soooo happy because everyone would be feeling sorry for them and doing all these nice things and giving them all kinds of attention. More Blind Suckers. I even went to Sheriff office. Showed them my phone. I had threat's amidst the Love You's. It even says " I know you're getting evidence". I was told, It sounds like he really loves me. ( I had told him we should get divorced. Been separated over 6 no.). There was nothing that stood out as him being dangerous. We all have bad days. Dear God, I don't go punching holes in walls, throwing furniture, smash my truck against a tree, throw my boots up on the roof, punch people in the nose because they have a different opinion than mine. Threatening to make their life a nightmare if you don't let them be in yours. It's almost worth death if they can outsmart the law and your experiencing it. I don't have to do it myself. The depression, not being able to eat or sleep. No, it'll pass. Thank u for letting me share and your stories. I only wish u safe and happiness.
I was 21 when we met, 25 when we got married and during this time I've witnessed weird behaviors but was in love, and so I painted the image of his with the colors that I wanted to be.
He has done sll the things that you mentioned, physical and mental abuse, gaslighting, creating scenarions to make me delusional and start doubting my sanity... got worse when we had our only child...thought coz he had issues with his mom who's a psycho was the reason that made him hold anger towards me now that I've become a mom...but no
Stayed with him for 13 years overall, which is quarter of my life, and now we're divorcing.
Narcissists are sick...they are pitiful and manipulative... they have no boundaries, no ethics and their for them were JUST TOOLS.
At court, he did what he does best...dubbed the story in every aspect to suit him...
Ppl like these are pitiful...I feel pity for him coz he's VOID...
Wish him to stay away from me forever
Been married to one 25 years tomorrow. Dont know what to do. Have 2 young adult children still at home. They are so scarred, they will always have problems. May even end up npd themselves. Feel so weak and stupid, Ive tolerated so much evil in the name of keeping the peace. Im ashamed and i need to get us out of here, but weve left twice and he always wins us back after some harrassment. There is no hope for us, we are stuck here
My narc maiplayed me through my daughter since she knew how much I loved her. I have been in and out of therapy, and when I started saying NO to her commands. She called 911 on me and lied. I spent a few nights in the slammer and now not stable. But then she emails everyone telling them that she wants to help me in court etc... she is out to destroy me
I was married to a narcissist for just under 20 years. We were both active alcoholics when we met. He was so charming and loving. Two weeks after we met he proposed to me and we married three months after that. Life lurched from one drama to another. He was violent, controlling and a bully. The police had a season ticket to our home due to his abusive and destructive behaviour. I was determined to make the marriage work so accepted his apologies and promises to be be a better husband. It was like being on a misery-go-round.
Seven years into our marriage I got sober and have never picked up another drink. He took about three more years but eventually he managed to put the booze down. The deal was that if he EVER picked up another drink that would be the end of us. No argument, no debate.
To cut a very long, miserable story short, he had started drinking in secret a couple of years ago. I had suspicions but eventually got the truth out of him a year ago. I threw him out and ten days later he kissed our dogs goodbye and left with all his belongings. Two days later he cleared our bank account. I then enlisted the help of the charity Refuge who helped me enormously. My now estranged husband was on a mission to destroy me. I refused to allow him to and he tried everything to make my life difficult. He told anyone who would listen, including his siblings that everything was my fault. I was the bitch from hell. His life spiralled out of control, fuelled by more and more alcohol. He had no friends left due to his aggressive and supercilious behaviour towards them over the years.
I had told him the day that he left me that he would end up in the gutter or dead due to his alcoholism. He grandiosely informed me that without having me hanging round his neck like a dead weight his life was going to be wonderful. That was on 1st December 2017.
I left him in no doubt that there was no going back for us. It had taken me years to find the courage to end our marriage.
For the next few months I was made aware that he was going down rapidly. I had some vile drunken texts from him but I answered with equally vile sober replies.
On the night of 10th March of this year I was woken by my dogs barking. I was scared that he’d managed to gain access to the block where my flat is. I went to my front door and peered through the spyhole. Two police officers were standing there. I opened the door and once I confirmed who I was and that I was the wife of the person that they had come to see me about I just turned round and said to the officers “He’s dead, isn’t he?”. Sure enough he had been found dead in his room in the shared house where he was living. It turned out that he’d committed suicide. He had 45-60 paracetamol tablets in his system. Even in death, he had to cause a scene. He was found naked, slumped over his bed, beginning to decompose and with black mould on his body.
It’s only now that I am beginning to sort out my emotions. What I do know is that for the first time since I met him I am physically, emotionally and mentally safe. I am suffering from PTSD but am starting on m one to one treatment soon. I am lucky. I have survived. I have no money but my life is richer with my friends rallying around. They could all see what he was doing to me and are all praying that the old me can escape from what he turned me into-a clone of himself. At the age of 62 I am learning to live again.
I believed that I loved this man. I did. He couldn’t love me. He couldn’t love himself. He was on a self destruct course and tried to take me with him. I was lucky. I got out in time.
He had every trait that was described so succinctly in the above article.
Jinty, it's never too late! I'm so glad you had the strength to leave his dusty bum. You're independent, courageous and amazing, I'm sure life has many opportunities in store for you.
It's hopeless especially when he acts emotionally distraught and gets others on his side. F*cking hate him, excuse my profanity. I feel like I'm losing myself in the process, I'm more stressed and have nervous breakdowns. He just doesn't get it and neither does his 'fan club'. Hell, the best way to deal with these people is to stay away. When you're alone in the same room as them, leave. Leave them in their own despair. The wild thing is that, they'll even use your silence against you, for instance, my uncle avoids Him at all costs, because he goes on and on about his irreverent stuff, it took me to be a victim to realise that my uncle does not feel at home in his own house, because He is convincing and Him and his fan club have so much bul crap against my uncle. Moments of peace are rare. Just avoid at all costs. The only problem is that, they are dependent on others to provide for them, and it doesn't help when you live in a sexist society where the woman has to be the caregiver and His fan club are made up of back-biting manipulators also. Looking forward to leaving this place.