Here Is What Living with a Narcissist Is Really Like

///Here Is What Living with a Narcissist Is Really Like

living with a narcissist

Until you’re living with a narcissist, you will never understand just how toxic this person can be. I’m going to be brave and share the inside scoop.

You’ve heard the words, the lists, and indicators of how it feels to know a narcissistic person, but that’s just a generalization for those on the outside. From the inside, it feels much different. Living with a narcissist can actually drive you mad, and that’s no understatement.

My attempt to explain the truth

The truth remains hidden deep behind smiles and proclamations of achievements. The truth is painted over with colors and displayed as something else entirely. This is what it’s like living with a narcissist. Basically, the reality is fantasy and fantasy is reality – yes, it can be flipped and this is how the narcissist remains so successful.

Living with a narcissist revolves around becoming their biggest fan, and always staying interested in all their little “accomplishments”. I used to think that narcissistic people genuinely wanted me as a part of their life and success, and they do…but only as a groupie. As far as my feelings and concerns, they did not matter. Everything, and I mean, absolutely everything, is about them and nothing is their fault.

When you take it away

The moment you show the slightest bit of disinterest, the narcissist notices and starts becoming irritated. Over time, the irritation grows because of the lack of a “#1 fan” in the club.

They may seek others to provide what you are taking away, but they will return to you and push their interests further until you’re quietly wishing they would go away. If you have said, “Enough!”,  they may even try to worm their way back in with fake kindness.

After they’ve tried all their tricks and it doesn’t work, they will blow up. Outbursts of anger will be used to demand attention because a narcissist would rather gain negative attention than none at all. When you decide to take away their fan club outlet, you actually cause them physical pain because of the mind-body connection that most of us already understand.

But why?

Now, I will break that down further. Do you know why they have to have this much attention? It’s because, honestly, they are empty. The true personality they once had was either ripped away, covered up or rejected so many times that they have created a fake person. When they catch glimpses of that real person, it scares them so badly that it’s painful. Some of them were also abused, and this is the way they coped.

With that being said, when you deny the narcissist the attention they crave, they are faced with themselves, which is either fake or hollow. This is tormenting and horrific for the narcissist, but they will never blame themselves. The fake personality won’t allow it. They will turn to the one who denied them attention, and they will attack them, either physically or mentally… even verbally.

This is what it’s like living with a narcissist, but there’s more

Usually, the narcissist will partake in substance abuse as well, which will heighten the negative behavior. During drunkenness, the narcissist will insult and use trigger words to incite anger or start a fight. The drunken narcissist seems pathetic to those who are aware of their tactics, they somehow they continue to portray a lofty image of themselves.

During this time, they can be violent. I have tried to avoid violence before by staying quiet during the rants of the narcissist, but unfortunately, this didn’t work either. After trying to start a fight over and over, the narcissist, that I knew, started to throw furniture and my belongings just because I refused to engage in his confrontation.

I was, in effect, witnessing the breaking down of the narcissist’s greatest power, the power of manipulation.

I will now attempt to help you

The second part of this post will be my attempt to help you recognize and deal with the narcissist in your life. Now mind you, this will not be an easy task, as getting away from the narcissistic influence is like breaking free from a sticky tar pit. Here are a few indicators to help you decide if you’re living with a narcissist.

Charming

A true narcissist will be extremely charming, especially when you first meet them. They will try hard to remain charming even while trying to get attention. They will use this charm to keep you as their “#1 fan”. Now, don’t be mistaken, they will always want more fans, and most of the time, they will keep others as “intimate” fans as well, as the narcissist is rarely faithful – sorry, just being honest.

Competitive

The narcissist is highly competitive, for obvious reasons. As long as they can strive to be the best at something, they will retain the spotlight. Now, competitiveness is not bad, but it’s the motive that makes it one way or the other. For the narcissist, being competitive is necessary to remain on top. If they see someone admiring a skill, they will learn how to do that particular skill in order to steal that admiration for themselves.

Dominant

The narcissist is a dominant personality. This is because, in order to keep control of other people, they must have a strong aggressive nature. As for me, I was dominated for over 20 years by a narcissist. I felt trapped because I was young and I was stricken with multiple disorders which decreased my self-esteem. Only after I reached middle age, did I learn that I was not who the narcissist had trained me to be.

Intimidating

This goes along with domination, but it’s a tad bit different. A narcissist will make threats in order to intimidate the person in which they don’t wish to lose. They use aggression and trigger words to keep others under their control.

One example is the narcissist will frighten their wife with the threat of having the children taken from her. This is a personal threat I received after deciding to leave. It’s a fairly common tactic.

How to get away from a narcissist

Now, there are ways to get away from the narcissist, and I do mean GET AWAY because in most cases, there will be no fixing, healing, or changing this personality.

They DO NOT care how you feel, they DO NOT respect you, and they DO NOT want to be fixed. Their primary goal is to manipulate you for the rest of your life, whether they are with you or not.

I’m sorry that this is a rather negative point, but at this point, you need to be shaken out of your dream state and awakened to the truth….if you are living with a narcissist, be strong.

Here are a few tips before I go:

  • If you are spiritual, pray, meditate, and be mindful of all your surroundings at all times.
  • Be strong. Resist the urge to give in to the narcissist’s charm. They will never stop trying.
  • Get help! You will need others to support you during this time. If you can find a way to record or take pictures of any evidence of the dysfunctional ways of the narcissist, this will help you convince your family and friends of the truth of your situation. If they destroy your home, take photos, If they start cursing you, try to turn on your phone’s recorder, and if they write anything abusive, keep it and show someone you trust. Considering the narcissist is great at hiding who they really are, there will be few people who believe your accusations until they see it for themselves. It’s just the truth.
  • Do not share your plans for leaving with the narcissist until you know you have a support system and a backup. Some narcissists become violent and you will need to always watch your back.
  • If you can afford it, place hidden cameras in your home to record any abuse that could be happening to your pets if you have any. Narcissists are notorious for abusing animals, and you will want to know what happens when you aren’t home, trust me.

These are just a few things you can do. I wish you luck in dealing with this type of abuse. It is so much more dangerous than you might think. When dealing with someone who is both aggressive and manipulative, it can be a true recipe for disaster. I will leave you with one final warning inspired by the hurricanes hitting my country….

“Don’t stay, leave now.”

Although that might sound mandatory, it’s just my experienced opinion considering what I have witnessed before. Take care.

References:

  1. http://www.sciencedirect.com
  2. http://psycnet.apa.org
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Sherrie

Sherrie is a freelance writer and artist with over 10 years of experience. She spends most of her time giving life to the renegade thoughts. As the words erupt and form new life, she knows that she is yet again free from the nagging persistence of her muse. She is a mother of three and a lifetime fan of the thought-provoking and questionable aspects of the universe.




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By | 2018-02-11T00:01:48+00:00 September 10th, 2017|Categories: Dark Personalities, Personality|Tags: , , , , , , |9 Comments

9 Comments

  1. Sakib September 12, 2017 at 12:25 am - Reply

    It’s awful living with a narcissist that abuses you spiritually with black magic and on top of that nobody believes you because everyone is so obsessed with materialism. Even if you manage to get away from them, their magic still continues to take effect. I really need a miracle.

    • Sherrie September 12, 2017 at 8:51 pm - Reply

      Sakib,

      Stay strong. Your miracle will come in ways that you never expected. I send you blessings.

  2. Trisha Bell February 15, 2018 at 2:13 am - Reply

    I am 73 years and have been married to a narcissist for almost 39 years. My life has been a living nightmare almost from the start. Slowly but surely he has degraded, stolen money that was rightfully mine, made my life pure Hell. Addicted to porn to the point of there being no normal relationship. He has been intimidating, controlling and is always right no matter what! I finally left after he acused me of being the problem in our marriage and said he was divorcing me! I have been gone a few months and our court date has been delayed or postponed several time. Everything to his advantage! I honestly fear for my life as I will soon face him in court. I have never opened my mouth over the years of all the things that he has done, physically or mentally. No one knows the truth! So far I am holding my own but at a distance. Very fearful! Answered all of his attorneys questions truthfully and when he sees how I have exposed him, it will,not be pretty. Actually terrified! But the truth will free you! But you might get killed in the process…….

    • Sherrie March 6, 2018 at 5:38 pm - Reply

      My heart goes out to you, Trisha Bell. I was also married to a narcissist. In my twenties, I thought about leaving but was terrified as well. I stayed on through my twenties, having three children total, and then finally divorced in my early forties. By the time I was divorced, I had grown so strong that I was ready for him. To my surprise, he has been civil and even has a girlfriend. Although I did love him at one time, and fought hard for that marriage, in the end, he was only a fraction of the fearsome beast that I thought he was. Yes, I could have left sooner, but then my children would not be here today. I don’t know for sure about your situation, but sometimes they only thing they have left is your fear. Not all of them are the fearsome beasts that they want you to believe. But do be careful through this process have a strong support system.

  3. Alex Durrell April 6, 2018 at 2:30 pm - Reply

    I have endured 7 years of the above and more. My particular Vampire has caused conflict between me and everyone we know through her ability to lie and recreate events to show that she is the victim. She has even contacted my ex partners in order to “get the facts” about me and “prove” that I am the problem. We have a child together and she has an 11 year old daughter; every time she is forced to acknowledge her controlling, manipulative or violent behaviour, she tells me that I hate her daughter and that she is terrified of me. The truth (which she has no interest in) is that I have begged her not to let the children see/hear any arguments but she WANTS to this to happen, assuming that they will blame me.

    Her need for control extends to our “conversations” about the issues during which she constantly interrupts, says two things at once, bullies, threatens, tells me what I’m thinking, involves the children and finally insults me and or hits me before leaving the house. Later she’ll say that “we need to talk”, if I decline due to what normally happens, she will do or say something to get a reaction, normally a threat to our child in some way.

    Because I know that she will hurt our son if a dare to leave her, I have have hung on but no more. I can say with certainty that she will make an allegation of some sort of sexual misbehaviour towards her daughter in order to “win” in her perverse thinking. Her daughter will naturally support her mother which puts me in danger and could affect me and my 5 year old son.

    I used to think that she was just self centered but I now know that she is a narcissist and can never be cured. Our son is a wonderful person despite what he’s witnessed and the next stage was not what I wanted for him but it’s better than him seeing his daddy in a prison cell because of what his mother did/said.

    Her cynical use of a child’s innocence is something I will never forgive her for.

  4. Deb April 7, 2018 at 6:22 pm - Reply

    This is so on point. It is possible to break free. I survived 11 years and am now happy for the first time.

  5. Lisa West April 26, 2018 at 12:19 am - Reply

    I live with two narcissists in a home 1 of them owns
    He is text book covert while the female is also covert but uses illegal substances making her much more abusive and dangerous. Since the first day o met her I’ve realized what I’m dealing with. She’s aware of too much about me due to our landlord disclosing information to this women. He doesn’t respect my privacy or my request that he stop. He’s the type who manipulates me to get more than the rent amount we agreed to by claiming he’s not had work.. but I’ve watched him get angered over the ph when ppl have attempted to put him on jobs, etc.. He’s using all the tactics listed to make himself appear to be without blame.. something he won’t entertain or tolerate at all, including advice. He also becomes offended and verbally abusive if I had tried suggesting work sources while he’s without his normal lines of employment .. just as written. He is the best at his trade and will not stoop to “peanut money” just to help me feel less financial burden for the rent increases that occur due to his over drafting habits with two accounts he holds. She, the other narcissist refuses to help and ironically her rent always stays the same. She is (perhaps this is not true..) not his gf.. but he has a obvious double standard for us. They both become enraged when presented with the truth. And I wondered if the fact they both think lying and cheating various gov and tax laws .. are they partners in crime because they are both the same d iognosis? By the way.. yes they have both convinced me that I’m the lunatic and I need help.. I believed this for the longest time. I no longer blame myself and will seek a new residence as well as the proper therapy for this type of abuse.. it’s nice I found this site! Thanks to you I’m learning my hunches are correct. Luckily for me, I’m not married or gf in this case.

  6. H Tears May 9, 2018 at 2:06 am - Reply

    Know EXACTLY what your all talking about. It’s horrible because it can bring you to suicide and you’d know inside they wouldn’t care. In fact, They would be soooo happy because everyone would be feeling sorry for them and doing all these nice things and giving them all kinds of attention. More Blind Suckers. I even went to Sheriff office. Showed them my phone. I had threat’s amidst the Love You’s. It even says ” I know you’re getting evidence”. I was told, It sounds like he really loves me. ( I had told him we should get divorced. Been separated over 6 no.). There was nothing that stood out as him being dangerous. We all have bad days. Dear God, I don’t go punching holes in walls, throwing furniture, smash my truck against a tree, throw my boots up on the roof, punch people in the nose because they have a different opinion than mine. Threatening to make their life a nightmare if you don’t let them be in yours. It’s almost worth death if they can outsmart the law and your experiencing it. I don’t have to do it myself. The depression, not being able to eat or sleep. No, it’ll pass. Thank u for letting me share and your stories. I only wish u safe and happiness.

  7. DramaQueen May 20, 2018 at 1:46 am - Reply

    I was 21 when we met, 25 when we got married and during this time I’ve witnessed weird behaviors but was in love, and so I painted the image of his with the colors that I wanted to be.
    He has done sll the things that you mentioned, physical and mental abuse, gaslighting, creating scenarions to make me delusional and start doubting my sanity… got worse when we had our only child…thought coz he had issues with his mom who’s a psycho was the reason that made him hold anger towards me now that I’ve become a mom…but no
    Stayed with him for 13 years overall, which is quarter of my life, and now we’re divorcing.
    Narcissists are sick…they are pitiful and manipulative… they have no boundaries, no ethics and their for them were JUST TOOLS.
    At court, he did what he does best…dubbed the story in every aspect to suit him…
    Ppl like these are pitiful…I feel pity for him coz he’s VOID…
    Wish him to stay away from me forever

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