You’ve heard the words, the lists, and indicators of how it feels to know a narcissistic person, but that’s just a generalization for those on the outside. From the inside, it feels much different. Living with a narcissist can actually drive you mad, and that’s no understatement.
The truth remains hidden deep behind smiles and proclamations of achievements. The truth is painted over with colors and displayed as something else entirely. This is what it’s like living with a narcissist. Basically, the reality is fantasy and fantasy is reality – yes, it can be flipped and this is how the narcissist remains so successful.
Living with a narcissist revolves around becoming their biggest fan, and always staying interested in all their little “accomplishments”. I used to think that narcissistic people genuinely wanted me as a part of their life and success, and they do…but only as a groupie.
As far as my feelings and concerns, they did not matter. Everything, and I mean, absolutely everything, is about them and nothing is their fault.
The moment you show the slightest bit of disinterest, the narcissist notices and starts becoming irritated. Over time, the irritation grows because of the lack of a “#1 fan” in the club.
They may seek others to provide what you are taking away, but they will return to you and push their interests further until you’re quietly wishing they would go away. If you have said, “Enough!”, they may even try to worm their way back in with fake kindness.
After they’ve tried all their tricks and it doesn’t work, they will blow up. Outbursts of anger will be used to demand attention because a narcissist would rather gain negative attention than none at all. When you decide to take away their fan club outlet, you actually cause them physical pain because of the mind-body connection that most of us already understand.
Now, I will break that down further. Do you know why they have to have this much attention? It’s because, honestly, they are empty. The true personality they once had was either ripped away, covered up, or rejected so many times that they have created a fake person. When they catch glimpses of that real person, it scares them so badly that it’s painful. Some of them were also abused, and this is the way they coped.
With that being said, when you deny the narcissist the attention they crave, they are faced with themselves, which is either fake or hollow. This is tormenting and horrific for the narcissist, but they will never blame themselves. The fake personality won’t allow it. They will turn to the one who denied them attention, and they will attack them, either physically or mentally… even verbally.
Usually, the narcissist will partake in substance abuse as well, which will heighten the negative behavior. During drunkenness, the narcissist will insult and use trigger words to incite anger or start a fight. The drunken narcissist seems pathetic to those who are aware of their tactics, they somehow they continue to portray a lofty image of themselves.
During this time, they can be violent. I have tried to avoid violence before by staying quiet during the rants of the narcissist, but unfortunately, this didn’t work either. After trying to start a fight over and over, the narcissist, that I knew, started to throw furniture and my belongings just because I refused to engage in his confrontation.
I was, in effect, witnessing the breaking down of the narcissist’s greatest power, the power of manipulation.
The second part of this post will be my attempt to help you recognize and deal with the narcissist in your life. Now mind you, this will not be an easy task, as getting away from the narcissistic influence is like breaking free from a sticky tar pit. Here are a few indicators to help you decide if you’re living with a narcissist.
A true narcissist will be extremely charming, especially when you first meet them. They will try hard to remain charming even while trying to get attention. They will use this charm to keep you as their “#1 fan”. Now, don’t be mistaken, they will always want more fans, and most of the time, they will keep others as “intimate” fans as well, as the narcissist is rarely faithful – sorry, just being honest.
The narcissist is highly competitive, for obvious reasons. As long as they can strive to be the best at something, they will retain the spotlight. Now, competitiveness is not bad, but it’s the motive that makes it one way or the other.
For the narcissist, being competitive is necessary to remain on top. If they see someone admiring a skill, they will learn how to do that particular skill in order to steal that admiration for themselves.
The narcissist is a dominant personality. This is because, in order to keep control of other people, they must have a strong aggressive nature.
As for me, I was dominated for over 20 years by a narcissist. I felt trapped because I was young and I was stricken with multiple disorders which decreased my self-esteem. Only after I reached middle age, did I learn that I was not who the narcissist had trained me to be.
This goes along with domination, but it’s a tad bit different. A narcissist will make threats in order to intimidate the person in which they don’t wish to lose. They use aggression and trigger words to keep others under their control.
One example is the narcissist will frighten their wife with the threat of having the children taken from her. This is a personal threat I received after deciding to leave. It’s a fairly common tactic.
Now, there are ways to get away from the narcissist, and I do mean GET AWAY because in most cases, there will be no fixing, healing, or changing this personality.
They DO NOT care how you feel, they DO NOT respect you, and they DO NOT want to be fixed. Their primary goal is to manipulate you for the rest of your life, whether they are with you or not.
I’m sorry that this is a rather negative point, but at this point, you need to be shaken out of your dream state and awakened to the truth….if you are living with a narcissist, be strong.
Here are a few tips before I go:
These are just a few things you can do. I wish you luck in dealing with this type of abuse. It is so much more dangerous than you might think. When dealing with someone who is both aggressive and manipulative, it can be a true recipe for disaster. I will leave you with one final warning inspired by the hurricanes hitting my country….
“Don’t stay, leave now.”
Although that might sound mandatory, it’s just my experienced opinion considering what I have witnessed before. Take care.
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Great article I'm stuck with one and we have a child and it's the worst thing I don't know how to get out of this relationship all the threats he is the worst type he is everything and more text book narsastic monster
How is your situation now, dear?
Thank you for this; it was a great read. I’m married to a narcissist and we have 2 kids together...one of whom adores his dad and really looks up to him. I want out, but am afraid of what my children will have to go through.
Hi, this article was great. Spot on. My friends husband lies, cheats, steals non stop, but plays the role of the caring, good guy rountine. He has got everyone in the neighborhood and at church even fooled. He has cheated on her 3x, made sexual comments to me, slapped me on the rear once, drinks like a fish, calls all women over 50 useless dried up shrews, thinks younger women are playtoys, is never on time, has been turned in 2x for sexual harassment, has pending court cases, liens on their property, lets the kids walk all over her, screams and rages when things don’t go his way and spends like no tomorrow on image and status. He apologized 1 time about cursing at me. He blames her and everyone for his issues. What is the deal? It seems like he gets away with everything or thinks everything is funny. By the way according to King of the Universe everyone is a “moron” compared to him. What a chaotic lifestyle.
They are evil and knowing this, without a shadow of a doubt, has helped me during our lengthy divorce. After 18 years , I can exhale. We had our first stressfree, predicatable Holiday season without him. It sounds cliche, wishful thinking or that I am in denial to say they are Evil..... but that is the sad truth. Reading how people have felt suicidal etc, is even more proof. That is exactly what the Devil wants you to do. These sick people have a dark spirit controlling their selfish, addictive, greedy loveless lives. Love comes only from God. These individuals can not Love. So they obviously do not have Truth and light in their souls. Knowing this is pure spiritual warefare and has helped me in unmeasurable ways. My Narc is off the chart on the Spectrum. 13 professionals have confirmed he is the worst of the worst. If I can survuve, anyone can. Just focus on happiness, the truth, light, love, peace and joy. Run and remember you are escaping evil and drakness! Take Care and God bless to all!!!!
i have lived with a man who has been verbally abusive to me every day of my life. The things has has done are unbelievable. i have never told anybody.