You’ve heard the words, the lists, and indicators of how it feels to know a narcissistic person, but that’s just a generalization for those on the outside. From the inside, it feels much different. Living with a narcissist can actually drive you mad, and that’s no understatement.
The truth remains hidden deep behind smiles and proclamations of achievements. The truth is painted over with colors and displayed as something else entirely. This is what it’s like living with a narcissist. Basically, the reality is fantasy and fantasy is reality – yes, it can be flipped and this is how the narcissist remains so successful.
Living with a narcissist revolves around becoming their biggest fan, and always staying interested in all their little “accomplishments”. I used to think that narcissistic people genuinely wanted me as a part of their life and success, and they do…but only as a groupie.
As far as my feelings and concerns, they did not matter. Everything, and I mean, absolutely everything, is about them and nothing is their fault.
The moment you show the slightest bit of disinterest, the narcissist notices and starts becoming irritated. Over time, the irritation grows because of the lack of a “#1 fan” in the club.
They may seek others to provide what you are taking away, but they will return to you and push their interests further until you’re quietly wishing they would go away. If you have said, “Enough!”, they may even try to worm their way back in with fake kindness.
After they’ve tried all their tricks and it doesn’t work, they will blow up. Outbursts of anger will be used to demand attention because a narcissist would rather gain negative attention than none at all. When you decide to take away their fan club outlet, you actually cause them physical pain because of the mind-body connection that most of us already understand.
Now, I will break that down further. Do you know why they have to have this much attention? It’s because, honestly, they are empty. The true personality they once had was either ripped away, covered up, or rejected so many times that they have created a fake person. When they catch glimpses of that real person, it scares them so badly that it’s painful. Some of them were also abused, and this is the way they coped.
With that being said, when you deny the narcissist the attention they crave, they are faced with themselves, which is either fake or hollow. This is tormenting and horrific for the narcissist, but they will never blame themselves. The fake personality won’t allow it. They will turn to the one who denied them attention, and they will attack them, either physically or mentally… even verbally.
Usually, the narcissist will partake in substance abuse as well, which will heighten the negative behavior. During drunkenness, the narcissist will insult and use trigger words to incite anger or start a fight. The drunken narcissist seems pathetic to those who are aware of their tactics, they somehow they continue to portray a lofty image of themselves.
During this time, they can be violent. I have tried to avoid violence before by staying quiet during the rants of the narcissist, but unfortunately, this didn’t work either. After trying to start a fight over and over, the narcissist, that I knew, started to throw furniture and my belongings just because I refused to engage in his confrontation.
I was, in effect, witnessing the breaking down of the narcissist’s greatest power, the power of manipulation.
The second part of this post will be my attempt to help you recognize and deal with the narcissist in your life. Now mind you, this will not be an easy task, as getting away from the narcissistic influence is like breaking free from a sticky tar pit. Here are a few indicators to help you decide if you’re living with a narcissist.
A true narcissist will be extremely charming, especially when you first meet them. They will try hard to remain charming even while trying to get attention. They will use this charm to keep you as their “#1 fan”. Now, don’t be mistaken, they will always want more fans, and most of the time, they will keep others as “intimate” fans as well, as the narcissist is rarely faithful – sorry, just being honest.
The narcissist is highly competitive, for obvious reasons. As long as they can strive to be the best at something, they will retain the spotlight. Now, competitiveness is not bad, but it’s the motive that makes it one way or the other.
For the narcissist, being competitive is necessary to remain on top. If they see someone admiring a skill, they will learn how to do that particular skill in order to steal that admiration for themselves.
The narcissist is a dominant personality. This is because, in order to keep control of other people, they must have a strong aggressive nature.
As for me, I was dominated for over 20 years by a narcissist. I felt trapped because I was young and I was stricken with multiple disorders which decreased my self-esteem. Only after I reached middle age, did I learn that I was not who the narcissist had trained me to be.
This goes along with domination, but it’s a tad bit different. A narcissist will make threats in order to intimidate the person in which they don’t wish to lose. They use aggression and trigger words to keep others under their control.
One example is the narcissist will frighten their wife with the threat of having the children taken from her. This is a personal threat I received after deciding to leave. It’s a fairly common tactic.
Now, there are ways to get away from the narcissist, and I do mean GET AWAY because in most cases, there will be no fixing, healing, or changing this personality.
They DO NOT care how you feel, they DO NOT respect you, and they DO NOT want to be fixed. Their primary goal is to manipulate you for the rest of your life, whether they are with you or not.
I’m sorry that this is a rather negative point, but at this point, you need to be shaken out of your dream state and awakened to the truth….if you are living with a narcissist, be strong.
Here are a few tips before I go:
These are just a few things you can do. I wish you luck in dealing with this type of abuse. It is so much more dangerous than you might think. When dealing with someone who is both aggressive and manipulative, it can be a true recipe for disaster. I will leave you with one final warning inspired by the hurricanes hitting my country….
“Don’t stay, leave now.”
Although that might sound mandatory, it’s just my experienced opinion considering what I have witnessed before. Take care.
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I have been through what some have experienced on here. I just wanted to be a good man and father to my kids and my alcholic ex narcisist used that against me in any way she could belittling silent treatment acts of violence for no reason or trying to isolate me from friends and family as all that mattered were her emotional needs and what she wanted. I just want people to know I eventually left her but feared for my teenage children. I was a mess mentally spiritually and toally lost as to who I was as a person. Roll on a couple of years and my kids are all with me after probably witnessing her abuse of me and then they ended ip the targets after I left.These people are monsters and destroy familys get out I was lucky I still have my real family intact and thank God everyday my sanity is gradually coming back and I am starting to love myself again theres hope at the end of this dark tunnel I am living proof be brave
My son is in bondage to a NARCISSIST. Its affected us negatively in so many ways. As the Grandma I am truly worried she will harm my grandsons in some manner because she is also a bi-sexual who has a preference for females rather then males. She holds men in malicious contempt and enjoys using and manipulating men because it gives her a sense of power and control. Tonight she threatened my son he will never see his children again if he does not babysit them while she goes out to drink. He doesnt want to be an enabler to her alcoholism. He also knows that if he stays with his kids at her house, she will come back maybe the next day, hung over, angry and aggressive. She will likely physically attack him again. I tried to educate him on Narcissistic Personality disorder to help him be more aware and expose her manipulative controlling tactics but hes so confused and afraid of her threats he cant seem to focus or cimprehend the big picture of what type of toxic person hes dealing with. Maybe reading this will bring light into a dark stormy situation.
I'm so grateful that people are talking, writing and posting about narcissism now. However, I think it does a profound disservice to countless victims of severe psychological abuse at the hands of narcissists who are truly of the highly sophisticated, covert and malignant type-- it can even contribute to the invalidation of their abuse-- when writers describe just one presentation of narcissism as definitive ("HERE is what IT is like..."). Usually it is the most easily comprehended form presented as well. A sophisticated abuser does not, for example, need to engage in physical or verbal violence to bring about profound devastation and complex PTSD.
look up chimera , think about what a spiritual chimera would act like , you will never untangle "them" - but you can see "them" for who they are , a permanent duality . A marriage of two that looks like one being . That is what we are all dealing with , The sooner that is faced the better . He and his inner bitch , Her and her inner Mussolini . ITs a bonded union of two .
After 15 years of suffering, confusion and fear I finally got out. I still have guilt for leaving my five children (aged 10 to 16) with him. It’s been 44 years; a 2 nd marriage also ended in divorce after 18 years. That marriage was happy most of the time but there was some abuse of alcohol & he was unfaithful. At age 62 I met the man I was praying for and we had a wonderful life until he passed away in 2013. Have faith, be strong and don’t take him back no matter what he promises. He can’t change. The longer you stay the worse it gets. My children have forgiven me but they have problems of their own now.