You’ve heard the words, the lists, and indicators of how it feels to know a narcissistic person, but that’s just a generalization for those on the outside. From the inside, it feels much different. Living with a narcissist can actually drive you mad, and that’s no understatement.
The truth remains hidden deep behind smiles and proclamations of achievements. The truth is painted over with colors and displayed as something else entirely. This is what it’s like living with a narcissist. Basically, the reality is fantasy and fantasy is reality – yes, it can be flipped and this is how the narcissist remains so successful.
Living with a narcissist revolves around becoming their biggest fan, and always staying interested in all their little “accomplishments”. I used to think that narcissistic people genuinely wanted me as a part of their life and success, and they do…but only as a groupie.
As far as my feelings and concerns, they did not matter. Everything, and I mean, absolutely everything, is about them and nothing is their fault.
The moment you show the slightest bit of disinterest, the narcissist notices and starts becoming irritated. Over time, the irritation grows because of the lack of a “#1 fan” in the club.
They may seek others to provide what you are taking away, but they will return to you and push their interests further until you’re quietly wishing they would go away. If you have said, “Enough!”, they may even try to worm their way back in with fake kindness.
After they’ve tried all their tricks and it doesn’t work, they will blow up. Outbursts of anger will be used to demand attention because a narcissist would rather gain negative attention than none at all. When you decide to take away their fan club outlet, you actually cause them physical pain because of the mind-body connection that most of us already understand.
Now, I will break that down further. Do you know why they have to have this much attention? It’s because, honestly, they are empty. The true personality they once had was either ripped away, covered up, or rejected so many times that they have created a fake person. When they catch glimpses of that real person, it scares them so badly that it’s painful. Some of them were also abused, and this is the way they coped.
With that being said, when you deny the narcissist the attention they crave, they are faced with themselves, which is either fake or hollow. This is tormenting and horrific for the narcissist, but they will never blame themselves. The fake personality won’t allow it. They will turn to the one who denied them attention, and they will attack them, either physically or mentally… even verbally.
Usually, the narcissist will partake in substance abuse as well, which will heighten the negative behavior. During drunkenness, the narcissist will insult and use trigger words to incite anger or start a fight. The drunken narcissist seems pathetic to those who are aware of their tactics, they somehow they continue to portray a lofty image of themselves.
During this time, they can be violent. I have tried to avoid violence before by staying quiet during the rants of the narcissist, but unfortunately, this didn’t work either. After trying to start a fight over and over, the narcissist, that I knew, started to throw furniture and my belongings just because I refused to engage in his confrontation.
I was, in effect, witnessing the breaking down of the narcissist’s greatest power, the power of manipulation.
The second part of this post will be my attempt to help you recognize and deal with the narcissist in your life. Now mind you, this will not be an easy task, as getting away from the narcissistic influence is like breaking free from a sticky tar pit. Here are a few indicators to help you decide if you’re living with a narcissist.
A true narcissist will be extremely charming, especially when you first meet them. They will try hard to remain charming even while trying to get attention. They will use this charm to keep you as their “#1 fan”. Now, don’t be mistaken, they will always want more fans, and most of the time, they will keep others as “intimate” fans as well, as the narcissist is rarely faithful – sorry, just being honest.
The narcissist is highly competitive, for obvious reasons. As long as they can strive to be the best at something, they will retain the spotlight. Now, competitiveness is not bad, but it’s the motive that makes it one way or the other.
For the narcissist, being competitive is necessary to remain on top. If they see someone admiring a skill, they will learn how to do that particular skill in order to steal that admiration for themselves.
The narcissist is a dominant personality. This is because, in order to keep control of other people, they must have a strong aggressive nature.
As for me, I was dominated for over 20 years by a narcissist. I felt trapped because I was young and I was stricken with multiple disorders which decreased my self-esteem. Only after I reached middle age, did I learn that I was not who the narcissist had trained me to be.
This goes along with domination, but it’s a tad bit different. A narcissist will make threats in order to intimidate the person in which they don’t wish to lose. They use aggression and trigger words to keep others under their control.
One example is the narcissist will frighten their wife with the threat of having the children taken from her. This is a personal threat I received after deciding to leave. It’s a fairly common tactic.
Now, there are ways to get away from the narcissist, and I do mean GET AWAY because in most cases, there will be no fixing, healing, or changing this personality.
They DO NOT care how you feel, they DO NOT respect you, and they DO NOT want to be fixed. Their primary goal is to manipulate you for the rest of your life, whether they are with you or not.
I’m sorry that this is a rather negative point, but at this point, you need to be shaken out of your dream state and awakened to the truth….if you are living with a narcissist, be strong.
Here are a few tips before I go:
These are just a few things you can do. I wish you luck in dealing with this type of abuse. It is so much more dangerous than you might think. When dealing with someone who is both aggressive and manipulative, it can be a true recipe for disaster. I will leave you with one final warning inspired by the hurricanes hitting my country….
“Don’t stay, leave now.”
Although that might sound mandatory, it’s just my experienced opinion considering what I have witnessed before. Take care.
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It's awful living with a narcissist that abuses you spiritually with black magic and on top of that nobody believes you because everyone is so obsessed with materialism. Even if you manage to get away from them, their magic still continues to take effect. I really need a miracle.
Sakib,
Stay strong. Your miracle will come in ways that you never expected. I send you blessings.
I am 73 years and have been married to a narcissist for almost 39 years. My life has been a living nightmare almost from the start. Slowly but surely he has degraded, stolen money that was rightfully mine, made my life pure Hell. Addicted to porn to the point of there being no normal relationship. He has been intimidating, controlling and is always right no matter what! I finally left after he acused me of being the problem in our marriage and said he was divorcing me! I have been gone a few months and our court date has been delayed or postponed several time. Everything to his advantage! I honestly fear for my life as I will soon face him in court. I have never opened my mouth over the years of all the things that he has done, physically or mentally. No one knows the truth! So far I am holding my own but at a distance. Very fearful! Answered all of his attorneys questions truthfully and when he sees how I have exposed him, it will,not be pretty. Actually terrified! But the truth will free you! But you might get killed in the process.......
My heart goes out to you, Trisha Bell. I was also married to a narcissist. In my twenties, I thought about leaving but was terrified as well. I stayed on through my twenties, having three children total, and then finally divorced in my early forties. By the time I was divorced, I had grown so strong that I was ready for him. To my surprise, he has been civil and even has a girlfriend. Although I did love him at one time, and fought hard for that marriage, in the end, he was only a fraction of the fearsome beast that I thought he was. Yes, I could have left sooner, but then my children would not be here today. I don't know for sure about your situation, but sometimes they only thing they have left is your fear. Not all of them are the fearsome beasts that they want you to believe. But do be careful through this process have a strong support system.
Trisha Bell, please let me know how you were able to leave! I’m wanting to leave my 30 yr marriage because I can’t take it any longer! I I’m beginning to become fearful of him! When he finally realizes Im really gone, I’m afraid things will go from really bad to much worse! He has never hit me but I’ve noticed lately because I don’t pay any attention to him that things are escalating! Recently, he screamed FU at me until I thought he was going to pop a vein in his head! If only!! I’m a shell of the woman I once was! So very depressed! Thank you! Hope you are free and doing well!
I have endured 7 years of the above and more. My particular Vampire has caused conflict between me and everyone we know through her ability to lie and recreate events to show that she is the victim. She has even contacted my ex partners in order to "get the facts" about me and "prove" that I am the problem. We have a child together and she has an 11 year old daughter; every time she is forced to acknowledge her controlling, manipulative or violent behaviour, she tells me that I hate her daughter and that she is terrified of me. The truth (which she has no interest in) is that I have begged her not to let the children see/hear any arguments but she WANTS to this to happen, assuming that they will blame me.
Her need for control extends to our "conversations" about the issues during which she constantly interrupts, says two things at once, bullies, threatens, tells me what I'm thinking, involves the children and finally insults me and or hits me before leaving the house. Later she'll say that "we need to talk", if I decline due to what normally happens, she will do or say something to get a reaction, normally a threat to our child in some way.
Because I know that she will hurt our son if a dare to leave her, I have have hung on but no more. I can say with certainty that she will make an allegation of some sort of sexual misbehaviour towards her daughter in order to "win" in her perverse thinking. Her daughter will naturally support her mother which puts me in danger and could affect me and my 5 year old son.
I used to think that she was just self centered but I now know that she is a narcissist and can never be cured. Our son is a wonderful person despite what he's witnessed and the next stage was not what I wanted for him but it's better than him seeing his daddy in a prison cell because of what his mother did/said.
Her cynical use of a child's innocence is something I will never forgive her for.
I know exactly what your going through, my advice step out in some way to calm yourself as this is how they operate. The use or manipulation of a child is also my trigger, it in 10 years still triggers me and the npd knows it, will use it to push you over the edge..which is exactly what they are trying to do. Man feel for you, been there..nothing worse.
Alex , how did you get away.? How do we protect our children?
How can we protect ourselves and our minds and our children against these monsters?
This is so on point. It is possible to break free. I survived 11 years and am now happy for the first time.
I live with two narcissists in a home 1 of them owns
He is text book covert while the female is also covert but uses illegal substances making her much more abusive and dangerous. Since the first day o met her I've realized what I'm dealing with. She's aware of too much about me due to our landlord disclosing information to this women. He doesn't respect my privacy or my request that he stop. He's the type who manipulates me to get more than the rent amount we agreed to by claiming he's not had work.. but I've watched him get angered over the ph when ppl have attempted to put him on jobs, etc.. He's using all the tactics listed to make himself appear to be without blame.. something he won't entertain or tolerate at all, including advice. He also becomes offended and verbally abusive if I had tried suggesting work sources while he's without his normal lines of employment .. just as written. He is the best at his trade and will not stoop to "peanut money" just to help me feel less financial burden for the rent increases that occur due to his over drafting habits with two accounts he holds. She, the other narcissist refuses to help and ironically her rent always stays the same. She is (perhaps this is not true..) not his gf.. but he has a obvious double standard for us. They both become enraged when presented with the truth. And I wondered if the fact they both think lying and cheating various gov and tax laws .. are they partners in crime because they are both the same d iognosis? By the way.. yes they have both convinced me that I'm the lunatic and I need help.. I believed this for the longest time. I no longer blame myself and will seek a new residence as well as the proper therapy for this type of abuse.. it's nice I found this site! Thanks to you I'm learning my hunches are correct. Luckily for me, I'm not married or gf in this case.