Are you tired of attracting narcissistic partners? Well, there are a few psychological reasons why you may be a magnet to toxic relationships.
Why do we attract toxic relationships? Well, it’s hard to say for sure, but we tend to create a subconscious pattern.
One of the most common ways we attract narcissistic partners is by falling for the quick attraction or love bombing phase. By the time we fall into this façade, it’s usually too late to easily back out.
It takes loads of work to dig our way out of this place, and while we’re doing so, we’re being love-bombed again, which makes it harder. But let’s back up.
Why do we attract toxic relationships?
If we could catch on to the unhealthy aspects of others, we could stop a relationship from the beginning. Or, at least, if we could catch the toxic behavior in the first couple of months, we could back our quickly and set ourselves free.
To do this, we must understand a few important things about ourselves. Why are we attracted to toxic people in the first place? Here are a few reasons why.
1. Family history
If you happened to grow up in a dysfunctional family environment, you see things differently than those who did not.
For instance, it may seem normal to be attracted to arrogance. It may be easy to fall for someone who tends to ghost you now and then because you’re used to the silent treatment during childhood.
It seems your past and attitude can attract toxic relationships because the things you experienced as a child now seem like normal emotions. In fact, you can send out vibes to narcissistic individuals that you are the type to accept their abuse.
2. Your pure honesty
It’s always a good idea to be honest and loyal. However, toxic people see this and are attracted to it. Why?
Because they know that you’re the type to give just about anybody the benefit of the doubt. And if this is so, the narcissist stands a good chance of entering a relationship with the honest person and getting away with all their lies.
Yes, an honest person will find out eventually, but by then, the damage is already done. If you’re an honest person, as soon as you recognize the toxic behavior, stop giving out information about yourself. The narcissist loves to gather information and use it against you.
3. You’re a good listener
Again, this is a great trait. But, for the toxic person, this trait means they can talk about themselves and humblebrag all day long. Since you are a good listener, you love to just absorb what other people have to say and be supportive to them.
When you attract a toxic relationship, you see someone you care about who needs your support and so you keep listening to their problems. It takes time to realize how you’ve been used, and when you do see the truth, it will feel like the worst betrayal.
You’ll then have to put limits on how much you take in from this toxic individual to stay mentally healthy.
4. A non-confrontational personality
If you’re not into confrontation, this means you’re uncomfortable with conflict. You’d rather stab yourself in the toe than talk about a situation that’s bothering you. The fact that you hate confrontation is noticed by the toxic individual, and they use this to their advantage.
You may be attracting toxic relationships because of your peaceful disposition. The narcissist knows that you will hesitate to say no or argue with them about things. But this is exactly what you should do.
When you notice that you’re being taken advantage of, you should practice saying no and stating how you feel about things regardless of conflict. This may be hard, but it will help you retain your sanity and self-esteem.
5. Insecurity
If you have a lack of confidence, it can show. Sometimes, you can cover this insecurity enough that most people won’t notice, but toxic people can sniff it out.
Your body language, like holding your head down, fumbling with your fingers, and speaking in a low voice, will show your low self-esteem. This is attractive to narcissistic people because this lack of confidence gives them the edge they need to use you.
When you enter into an unhealthy relationship and you lack confidence, it can be a disaster. As your partner lies, deceives, and insults you, it will be hard for you to stand up for yourself.
You may even begin to believe all these things and become submitted to this toxic person. If you ever get a whiff of your own strength, get out.
6. Too nice
Goodness and kindness are what the world needs. Unfortunately, it feeds the toxic individual too. And most people want to be nice, but in our hardened world, we tend to grow soul callouses to protect ourselves. Those who still try to be nice and kind, are targets for narcissists.
Empaths, for instance, seem to attract toxic relationships more often than others. This is because the other partner in the relationship tends to be narcissistic.
You see, toxic people see empathic people as something to drain for their own strength. They know that empaths are nice, and they use this to get away with things, say hurtful things, and gaslight. I’ve lived it, and I’ve seen it too many times.
Safeguarding against toxic relationships
Okay, so it’s not going to be easy, but there are ways to dodge toxic relationships. First of all, know who you are. Learn how to be kind and strong at the same time.
Do not let your past guide your future. See the present as unrelated to the past, if possible. Give but make sure you give just as much to yourself when in need. And if you are suffering from insecurities, by all means, stay away from relationships until you’ve gotten better at loving yourself.
Relationships aren’t all bad, but unfortunately, it’s easy to get into toxic unions and not even know it until months later. So, be cautious, look for red flags, and feel free to refer back to any of our articles here on the Learning Mind.
When I was younger, I went through so much, and I wished I had the information that I have now. Keep this post close at hand and when you think you’re getting too close to a toxic person, read up.
Be blessed and be careful.
I am about 1/2 of these! Because I’ve learned…..and keep learning…..(The online dating world will do that!) But, it’s good practice. I am a kind ‘ Empath’……. and attract Narcissists like bees to honey! They love me in the beginning because I am my sweet self, and as soon as they start to control me? I hit back and or, have an opinion and that really turns them off, lol!
Thanks for the great article 🙂
Oh, they hate it when you give them the same medicine. Thank you for reading, Jade.
I always try to add my 2 cents to a contribution I feel is challenging. In this case I am speechless.
The problem is do you let this person or persons take advantage of you once, or change you for ever? Any way you slice it, it is sad. Maybe there is a way to avoid both!
It’s just important to stay aware all the time. Stay educated. Know when someone is manipulating you. Learn body language so you can tell the difference between someone having genuine problems and someone who is attempting to use you. It is not easy! I am still dealing with this and learning the levels and new tactics being used. I just recently got tricked into an argument. The person called me and started talking about mundane things and then suddenly asked if I even cared about them at all. They just wanted to know, just a simple question. Of course, I said, “Yes”. But this led to more questions and how they didn’t believe me. It just turned into this ridiculous argument that I could have nipped in the bud by simply saying, “I”m still sleeping right now. I will talk to you later, face to face.”
Tip: Never have a serious sensitive conversation via text or on the phone unless you must, especially with someone who has toxic tendencies.
Eddie,
It’s hard to avoid this. The truth is, more people are turning out the be like this. I don’t know if we are just recently realizing that our treatment is not normal, or if there are more toxic individuals being born, made, or generated. lol. Nice people just tend to attract the opposite, and sometimes it’s just because deep down, others want the same demeanor, but only know how to drain it from others. It is sad. I’ve been through this, had some of it rub off on me too. it can be infectious, so watch out!
Jade,
Stay strong and keep being kind/stable/ tough. You’re good. And I’m telling you, if you want to be alone, that is fine too. It’s hard to find someone right now that’s not out to get something from you. Yes, there are good people, but they are so hard to find. The world is not kind and it sometimes even hardens and creates those who feed off others. To you, I also say, be careful.
Hi Jade,
During the years I have developed an “intuition” for reading people. The FBI and other similar organizations have turned it into a science – which they teach – built around body language and speech recognition. You are right; like anything else we are prone to learn from others for good or bad! As long as I realize what I am doing is not right, I am hopeful not to repeat it; no matter how trivial it is. Constantly self correcting! When I deal with toxic people, I try not to act impulsively. I first try the communication route. Every once a while I come across a “lost case”; then I use the last option: to cut off the person all together. There were times when I blew off my lid and went on full confrontation mode, which I am not proud of. Currently I pray everyday asking for help to avoid toxic people and help me not be one myself. No matter what, I always try not to punish one person for another’s behavior. 🥰
In my country I see a lot of people I know get into abusive relationshops because they are trying to “fix” either the relationship of their parents or for themselves.
Like: “my father wasn’t there for me, so I’m going to find someone like him and make him stay and then I’ll know it’s not me” and I myself fell victim to this. Of course, the relationship isn’t started with this knowledge, for me I started noticing that I would always be attracted to the silent type and I’d drag any info out of them (just like my mum did with dad). Did we have many talks about these kind of relationships. I only broke the circle when I started working on myself.