If you have a fixer personality, where did this urge to be a hero come from? Maybe you should analyze the reasons why some people like to fix others.
Fixing objects and fixing people isn’t the same thing. You can’t just slap a band-aid on a friend and expect them to be okay. On the contrary, sometimes it’s best to leave them be. But the truth is, there are so many of us who cannot help ourselves – we must try and fix others.
But why do we do this?
Reasons why people like to fix others
Well, there are a few reasons. And to be honest, not all these reasons are negative or self-serving. If you think you might be a fixer personality, then first you must understand why you want, so bad, to be a hero, and save the say.
1. A hard habit to break
I’ve found that people sometimes try to fix others because they’re used to taking care of them.
For instance, when you take care of your children, you fix their problems from an early age, but you also teach them to be independent as well. But even after they’ve reached adulthood, you may still try to fix their problems. Sometimes they appreciate it, and other times, they may get offended.
I’ve personally been in this place emotionally with my oldest son. So, I had to learn to stop trying to fix him. It was hard. If you have children, then maybe you understand exactly where I’m coming from.
Sometimes they like the help, and then sometimes they don’t. You may find yourself trying to fix them all the time. This can push them away if they don’t like interference.
2. Empathy in action
Here is one reason why we may be trying to fix others, and this reason isn’t selfish. If you’re an empath, you understand the pain of your friends and family, which means you never want to stand by and do nothing when they’re hurting. An Empath cannot just look away from the emotions shared between them and another.
If this seems familiar, then you’re trying to be a hero to those you love. If they’re being mistreated, you want to save them because you can feel a bit of their torment as if it’s your own. You aren’t looking in, you’re looking out with them, and you feel that something must be done.
3. A sense of control
On the other hand, trying to fix others can come from a place of control. When a friend is having problems at work, and she talks about it all the time, it means there’s a sense of uncertainty about your friend’s future. Uncertainty can mean loss of control.
As with your own life, and trying to control things, you want to control her problems as well. But maybe she isn’t asking for help as much as just venting.
Either way, you may find yourself giving advice and telling her about job openings instead of just listening. You cannot stand being out of control about situations, either in your life or the lives of other people.
4. Responsibility for other’s happiness
One reason why we may feel the need to fix things for others is that we feel responsible for making them happy. If our mate is having problems with his family, we may offer to get involved to make things right. This isn’t always the thing to do. In fact, it’s rarely ever the thing to do. And why do we feel responsible for other’s happiness like this?
Well, to some individuals, intimacy means making each other happy. The truth is, happiness comes from within, and we are not responsible for cultivating this feeling for others, only ourselves.
So, when we become enmeshed with another person, meaning too involved emotionally, we try to save them from all their heartaches and pains.
5. We’ve become condescending
When we listen to our friends talk about being mistreated, sometimes we may think, “Well, I wouldn’t tolerate that”, and then we start giving advice on how to fix those problems. In a way, we think we’re smarter, so instead of just offering support, we jump in with all sorts of solutions assuring them that our ideas are foolproof.
Are you guilty of this? Do you look down on others and sweep in to save the day? Maybe you don’t think you’re being condescending, but you are.
While friends pour their hearts out to you, you’re already thinking about much better ways to handle situations that hurt them. Because, in truth, you think these things would never happen to you, but you’re just as human as they are.
Are you trying to fix others?
Is this you? Do you fit into these categories? If so, then you need to learn how to step away and let friends and loved ones sometimes help themselves. After all, they’re not helpless, and you’re not a savior to them. So, to change this pattern of behavior, you must take a few steps.
1. Examine yourself
First off, you must find out the root of why you’re trying to save people. It could be because of one aspect, or a few of the aspects I mentioned above.
If you’re only worried about them, then you should address that feeling. If you’re being selfish, you must approach this issue about yourself in a whole different manner. Either way, the source must be located first.
2. Learn to listen
You might sit across from your spouse and hear their words, but are you listening? Before you can stop being ‘Captain Fixer’ you must learn to really listen. To really listen is to hear other’s words, understand what they’re saying both with your ears and your mind.
Pay attention and stop formulating answers as they talk. First, hear them out, then pause. If you take just a moment to let the words sink in, you can make a much better response, void of playing the hero.
3. Be supportive
Instead of going into situations with a mindset of fixing people, try a mindset of support. When someone you love tells you that they’re having problems in school, don’t automatically turn everyone else into a villain in your mind. Just offer support.
Say something like,
“I am here for you”, or “I’m listening, and I will help if you want.”
You can offer support, and even help, but do not be aggressive about solving their problem without hearing them out.
4. Ask questions
If you’re unsure if they need your help, it’s okay to ask them. But, if they insist that they need no help, and can take care of things on their own, then let them. You should never push yourself on someone even if you think you’re helping them. Sometimes you can do more harm than good.
You cannot fix everything
Unfortunately, not everything in this world can be fixed by heroes. Sometimes all you can do is listen when loved ones talk about their pain. As much as you want to solve their problems, sometimes, it’s impossible.
Remember, some things must work themselves out, and then other times, we must let people save their own lives. It all depends on the factors involved.
So, simply put if you’re a person who likes to fix others, then stop. First, focus on yourself, and then when loved ones need support, you will be better equipped to truly help them. Just think it through.
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- 5 Reasons Why Some People Like to Fix Others & What to Do If This Is You - July 22, 2021
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