It takes courage and determination to ignore a manipulator. If you ignore a manipulator, what happens now? Will they choose another victim or start harassing you?
Manipulators want to control. They use tactics designed to undermine your confidence and self-esteem, making it harder to break away from them. So, what happens when you ignore a manipulator? Here are eight things manipulators try to regain control.
What happens when you ignore a manipulator?
Control underpins everything a manipulator does. If you ignore them, they have temporarily lost control. There are several ways they can get it back. They can control what others think of you, how you behave, how people perceive a situation you’re involved in. Even your financial status.
Let’s look at how manipulators act when you ignore them.
1. They start a smear campaign against you
If a manipulator can’t control you, they’ll exert their influence on people that know you. Manipulators are prolific liars. They are not ashamed about spreading untrue rumors or badmouthing you. This creates distance between you and your support network.
Once you are isolated, they can regain control once again. Manipulators also like to denigrate your friends and family members. They might say a certain person is a bad influence on you and you should cut them from your life.
2. They guilt-trip you into contacting them
Typically, what happens when you ignore a manipulator is that they escalate their behavior.
Guilt-tripping is on page one of the manipulator’s playbook. It’s a way of gaslighting you to believe you have done something wrong. One tactic is to remind you of everything they’ve done for you. How they tolerated you when no one else would.
Or they might blame you for their circumstances; saying they’d be better off if they hadn’t met you and now you owe them something. It’s your fault they are in the mess they’re in.
3. They create an emergency
If guilt-tripping doesn’t work, the next stage is coming up with an emergency you cannot ignore. Narcissists are manipulative, and they cannot stand being ignored. Narcissists must be the center of attention. They’ll take drastic action to get your attention back.
Creating an emergency can involve:
- Threatening suicide or self-harm and then not responding to your calls.
- Start dating a close friend of yours.
- Tell you they are being evicted, and they have nowhere to go.
- Bingeing on drink or drugs and calling you from the hospital, blaming you because you weren’t there to stop them.
- Criminal behavior and asking you to bail them out.
- Show up drunk at places they know you frequent.
4. They bombard you with texts and calls
In the film Fatal Attraction, Alex Forrest tells the married man Dan “I won’t be ignored, Dan!”
Narcissists and sociopaths hate losing control. How dare you refuse to answer their messages? Who do you think you are? Who do you think you’re dealing with?
The messages may start off in a cajoling and loving manner, but if you ignore a manipulator, they’ll soon turn nasty. The messages often follow a pattern, for instance:
- Pleading: “I miss you so much, please return my call.”
- Matter-of-fact statements: “Look, I just want to talk, call me.”
- Threatening behavior: “Listen you stupid b****, pick up the phone right now or you’ll be sorry.”
- Saying sorry: “Please forgive me, I didn’t know what I was doing.”
It will all start over again when they don’t get a response. Using Fatal Attraction again as an example; Dan relents after Alex calls him 20 times. A detective tells him that what he’s done is prove to her it takes 20 calls for him to answer.
5. They’ll use inventive ways to contact you
If a direct approach doesn’t work, the manipulator will resort to covert methods of contacting you. This might include ‘liking’ or commenting on social media posts. Posting anniversary photos to your Facebook wall or asking their followers to comment on the situation.
Manipulators have no qualms about approaching your friends and family members. As a result, you may get a call from one of them. If they are vindictive, they can go through your place of work, knowing that constant interruptions could jeopardize your career.
6. They bring in a third party (triangulation)
For instance, if they get on with your parents, they might show fake concern about your career or love life. Now your mother and father are involved and instead of you battling the manipulator, you’re taking on your family members.
Of course, the manipulator will use charm and persuasion to convince your parents they only have your best interests at heart.
7. They act as if nothing is wrong
What happens when you ignore a manipulator? Sometimes they go on as normal. You might think the relationship is over and you’ve made your feelings clear. Then, out of the blue, a few months later, the manipulator contacts you with a message like
“Hey, how are you doing? Fancy catching up later?”
You’re shocked. This person may have cheated or broken up with you; they may have bombarded you with texts and calls and you’ve never replied. In the end, you blocked their number and went on with your life. Now, out of the blue, they pop up as if you are BFFs and nothing has happened.
8. They punish you for ignoring them
There is nothing as scary and dramatic as narcissistic rage. But rage is not just a trait of narcissists. When certain manipulators don’t get what they want, this turns into an uncontrollable rage. They will punish you for ignoring them.
A manipulator will lash out physically or verbally, or both. They’ll attack your reputation, your relationships, and your new partner; they’ll even go after your finances. The moment you leave a manipulator for good and they realize control is gone is the most dangerous time for victims.
I’ve talked about what happens when you ignore a manipulator, so what should you do? It is best to maintain no contact.
You can’t reason or challenge a manipulator. They are not looking to resolve an issue with an honest conversation. You are under no obligation to explain your actions with a manipulator.
Manipulators are like bullies. If they don’t get the reaction they want, eventually they’ll get bored and move on to someone else.
Copyright © 2012-2023 Learning Mind. All rights reserved. For permission to reprint, contact us.