When there is a manipulator in your life, you need to learn the way to deal with them and gain your freedom. It will take strength, endurance, and love to make this happen.
I’ve told my story time and time again, speaking from angles of abuse, vengeance, and even ways of finding peace. I have explained from different perspectives in hopes of reaching all who may need help in their particular situations as well. Today, I just want to impart some simple knowledge on how to deal with a manipulator because, as you may already know, this is a fragile yet difficult task.
Who is a manipulator? Here’s what the urban dictionary has to say:
“Someone who is well calculated and a polished liar. Manipulators are usually undetectable, and some may not act for personal gain but for a larger goal. Some do not put others in danger for the sake of the gain, but it is common that they do. A true manipulator’s personality is nothing similar to the way they are seen by others and is more often than not non-existent.”
Hmm, interesting. So, apparently, a manipulator can be classified as several personality types according to this criteria. In its dysfunctional form, the manipulator can be narcissists, toxic, or even a mentally disabled person.
A manipulator can also easily be undiagnosed of any personality disorders too. With that being said, you could be dealing with a manipulator and not even know it. Honestly, most people who are manipulated have no clue, and rather they see themselves as the problem – the crazy one.
Does this sound familiar?
Now that you get the basic definition, let me share a few characteristics of the manipulator. The master manipulator is known to lie, cheat, brag, throw tantrums, and dish out the silent treatment. Each of these tools is used depending on how you act or react to their demands or showboating.
If you are dealing with a narcissist, and you decide to stop giving them lots of attention, they could have a sudden burst of anger, violence, or even abusive threats.
Sometimes if you get up the nerve to say no, you will be faced with the manipulator giving you the silent treatment, in hopes that you will come groveling for forgiveness for your “wrong answer”, your “misguided ideas”, or your “ignorance”….sarcasm there…
The manipulator is never wrong, you see, and you will quickly lose your identity or self-image and become, what I have always referred to as the “#1 fan”. As long as you remain the fan, strive to do everything perfectly, and never say no, you might leave a halfway decent life built on these strict ideals.
No one wants to live like that, face it, so here are ways to deal with the manipulator in your life and reap your blessings instead.
Before you can accomplish anything else, you have to wake up. This means you have to be able to see the truth and start to rebuild your self-esteem. One reason the manipulator is able to do so much damage is because of your lack of love for yourself.
Now, I’m not saying this is your fault, but what I am saying is that you have to TAKE your life back. The manipulator will not give it freely.
Waking up means, listening to the way the manipulator talks, how they act, and your body’s response to their actions. Do they scare you? Do they make you think negative things about yourself? Does your loved one seem to care for your feelings or do they make a habit out of degrading you?
There are so many questions you can ask yourself, and these questions and analysis should be your top priority. Your first step is to see the truth and remove the veil from your eyes.
After you have awakened from your delusions, you can begin to grow stronger. There are several ways to build up your self-esteem and other powerful characteristics.
For instance, if you aren’t working, now is the time to become independent, just in case you need to be self-sufficient. Manipulators love the fact that someone is dependent upon them because this gives them more control. To put an end to your dependence, you must strengthen all areas of your life.
You will also need to build a good support system for times when you feel as though you are being taken advantage of and degraded. To ensure you have a solid support system through friends and loved ones, make sure you document and record the actions and words of the manipulator.
If they are violent, take pictures and if they are degrading you or calling you names, then record them. This will help you show their true nature and gain a really powerful support team.
Practice peace and positivity
No matter how hard the storm rages, refuse to lose your sense of well-being and peace. If you are spiritual, continue in prayer, meditation, or whatever comforts you the most. Stay mentally active by reading and partaking in activities that you enjoy personally.
If you have suffered from an advanced loss of identity, sample hobbies and entertainment until you find out what YOU like to do. This will take some time.
As you continue in a peaceful nature and with positive responses, you will fortify your mental health. This may be a little more difficult as well if you suffer from a mental illness, but this is where your support system can help you.
Try not to engage in arguments or disagreements, but keep saying no when you feel you should and refuse to back down. This can be done peacefully, believe it or not. Use statements like:
- “I don’t agree with you. Are you saying it’s wrong to have a different opinion?”
- “I will not argue with you.”
- “I respect you, but I think a different way about these things.”
Although these statements may not be fully understood or appreciated, you still did your part in a peaceful manner.
Don’t back down
Now, first of all, there are factors involved in how far you should go with standing up for yourself. First of all, say no if you don’t agree. If they threaten to leave, don’t beg them to stay. You just go ahead and say “okay”. If they call you derogatory names, either ignore it or just say “okay”. You aren’t agreeing with them, you are silently telling them that you won’t play their game.
If they are doing something that you don’t like, such as abusing your pets, then tell them to stop. If they threaten to leave, then say “okay”. If they don’t stop the abuse, you have every right to call authorities. Animal violence is now considered a punishable crime, meaning you can be arrested for such things.
If you pay the rent, then ask them to leave. If they pay the rent, then contact your support system and find a way to get away from the violence.
If they are not being violent, then just refuse to join in on any arguments and refuse to give them any extra attention. They will get the point eventually and will either change or move to a higher level of manipulation, trying desperately to gain back control. As they fall apart, you will grow stronger…just hang in there.
During any altercation with a manipulator, make sure you keep firm boundaries. If something they are doing is making you feel uncomfortable in the slightest, remind them of your boundaries. Refuse to let their opinions change your own morals and beliefs about a thing, person, or situation. Retaining healthy boundaries reminds them that you are a separate person and not just an extension of them.
You don’t have to play the game of the manipulator. Just because they may resort to cruel words and actions doesn’t mean you have to. No matter what happens, always be respectful, even if you are asking them to leave. Sometimes the only way to free yourself will be to leave and you can be kind and tactful when you do.
If you are fighting for the relationship, be kind but never let them put you under their thumb again. When you don’t agree or don’t wish to do what they ask, look them in the eye and say “No”. You don’t need to explain yourself, this just gives them more openings to manipulate you.
Read and get educated
A basic way to deal with a manipulator is to educate yourself on this topic. Read as much as you can and become familiar with what you’re dealing with. Only then can you do the things that are needed to break free.
You can break free
I will leave you with a few more words for comfort. There is hope for your relationship, but the key is to get the manipulator to see the truth.
Unfortunately, this is something they fight tooth and nail. They don’t really think they have a problem and most of them refuse to seek help. There are a few success stories, however, so the choice to stay or go is up to you.
For those of you who are ready to leave and start over, be brave. Although striking out on your own might seem daunting, there are support systems which can help you establish your new life. If you want to learn how to deal with a manipulator, just be honest with yourself. Are you happy?
If not, then work hard and try to change it. Believe it or not, you do have the power and I believe in you.
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